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Hello Internet

Friday, July 31, 2015

Sleeping (perhaps it's my superpower)

Did you know I'm am a hateful person?

No?

Hmmm. Triple S thinks so.

Okay, he doesn't think that all the time only when it's bedtime.

Hmmmmm, That could be the beginning of a completely different blog. I'd better clarify.

He thinks I've made a pact with the Devil because I can fall asleep in 30 seconds. Seriously. Doesn't matter what time it is or how tired I am,  I've always been able to pass out like I was shot with a horse tranquilizer. Although I've never tried it I'm convinced I could sleep standing up.

In addition to this fantastic quality I can also sleep through just about anything.

Time for an example.

Triple S is a volunteer at the local fire department and as such he has a pager. Not like one the cool kids had in the 90's. This thing is ridiculously loud and noisy.



For obvious reasons it must be loud. Think about the worst alarm clock you've ever had and magnify it by ten then throw in a howling monkey and one of those internet famous screaming goats and you will be some where close to the level of annoying this thing achieves.

Did I mention it vibrates? Of course it does because if the screaming banshee like noise isn't enough the fact that it can also shatter glass with it's vibration will make sure you know someone needs help.  It's like the bat signal but less cool and way more ear splitting.

Now imagine it going off at 2 am and the person you are sleeping next to getting out of bed, getting dressed and leaving your home.

Now imagine that you don't wake up.

Yep. Nothing. Not even a grunt of acknowledgement. In fact it's so bad that I've woken up in the morning and harassed Triple S about being lazy only for him to inform me that he was gone from 1am till 6am at a fire.

Yup. Didn't know that happened.

It's more complicated than that though.

The following is a list of things that have woken me up:

The dogs collar jangling

The kids using the bathroom (upstairs and at the other side of the house)

A kitchen timer going off in the garage

A car idling on the street

Small daughter falling out of bed

A dead battery on a smoke detector


You know the beep that goes off every minute? I'm sure your heard it. Our fire alarms are all hardwired with battery backups. Which is handy because it's not like you can't have a fire if there's no power.

But batteries die and of course this doesn't happen at 4 in the afternoon. It's always at 4 am. When everyone if snuggled tightly in bed. Dreaming about lollipops and rainbows.

So I was forced to wander around the house trying to pinpoint the sound. FYI I would make a really shitty DareDevil.  Seriously I'm thinking about getting my ears checked. Well not to see if they work; obviously they do. Wait is there a test to see how well your echolocation works? Is that a real thing?

Probably not and I'm way too lazy to google it right now.

Feel free to do your own Web MD search but try hard not to convince yourself you have cancer of the ear.

Conclusion: I got the dam thing off the ceiling and took out the battery but of course it was still beeping. I was going to smash it with a hammer because when I'm tired I tend to think like the Hulk but Triple S suggested I just put it in the garage. Please note above. Although he wouldn't have to hear it I was sure the dam thing would still sound as loud as the tell tale heart (YEAH NERDY BOOK REFERENCE). Luckily as I walked it out to the garage it stopped.

Here is the other thing that drives Triple S insane. After all this fun I crawled back into bed and was asleep in 30 seconds. Yup. Right back out like I hadn't just been wandering around the house in the middle of the night climbing ladders and cursing technology.

PS the battery was replaced the next morning and fire detector was put back on the ceiling. Serious side note. Fire detectors can only save your life if they are working and installed properly.

Wait!!! I just had a brilliant thought. Why isn't the battery in my fire alarm a rechargeable one that is continuously charged by the power? Seriously why isn't this a thing?

That's how your car works. It's also how my garage door opener works. See it's already a thing. Someone just needs to apply it to the fire alarm industry. Get on this smart people!

Monday, July 27, 2015

3 Hour Tour

So I've mentioned in the past that I went to Boat College.

Obviously there are so many day to day practical applications when this comes in handy. I'd list them right now but you non boat college graduates would get bored and nobody wants that.

It also leads to request to "captain" someone else's boat. There was talk of this exact thing on one of our girl's night out but as it so happened the weather didn't cooperate and we were forced to drive to the restaurant like common folk.

This time though, mother nature was on our side as I arrived at the dock. There was some conversation about the "finicky" nature of the boat. An explanation of the "tricks" to get it to start.

Sure enough it didn't turn over the first time. As I had never been on this boat before I trusted said owner to advise me on the throttle, clutch and gear shift.

Sadly she was misinformed and that didn't help the situation. Eventually we got it started and headed out to sea. Ok we headed out to Lake but that just doesn't sound as good.

There was talk of anchoring near "invisible island". So named by the children because as you approach it you can't distinguish it from the mainland until you are right on top of it.

The anchor proved uncooperative (are you sensing a theme?) and we instead decided to "beach" it. That of course proved to be an easy enough task and we were soon settled and enjoying swimming, jumping and rolling in the sand.

We chit chatted with the other people who had also "beached" themselves. Basically it was a lovely day on the lake.

That held true right up until we needed to leave.  Some of you smart people might be able to guess what happened. But for everybody else don't worry. I'm going to tell you. That is the point of this blog after all.

It wouldn't start.

GASP!

I know I was shocked too. Luckily one of the nice people offered to tow us home. (People are so nice here it's very weird.)

Plans were made about how we would get off the island. How they would attach to us. How he would direct them to our dock.

What is it they say about plans? No battle plan survives first contact with the enemy.

I guess in this case the enemy was the sea (or the lake, whatever.).

Side note. Right now I can't stop thinking about George from Seinfeld telling the story about pulling the golf ball out of the whale's blow hole.

"The sea was angry that day. Like an old man trying to send back soup at a deli."



Back on point. No sooner did we leave the shore than the dog jumped off and tried to swim back to land. Yup! Luckily there was a group of campers. They weren't any help but one of their counselors was. He grabbed the dog and swam her back to the boat where I pulled her aboard.

The piece de resistance was of course that as we approached the dock I dove into the water with the rope in my teeth to the cheers of all the children. Okay I didn't have the rope in my mouth but just picture it? It would have been epic right? Maybe with some kind of harpoon in my hand?

I have no idea what this diagram is for but it's awesome.

The kids didn't cheer but they were impressed.

At the end of the day no one was hurt, nothing was damaged(the boat had a dead battery), and everyone had a fun day so all in all a successful adventure.

Win Win Win.




Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Friendship is Blinding. Like the SUN

Tonight I got to go to dinner with some of my favorite people in the world and as is usually the case the cell phones came out to take photos.

We like to commemorate our outings with pictures. Regular ones and the super obnoxious selfie kind.

The birthday girl asked for final approval on any photos that might be posted and everyone else chimed in that they wanted the same privilege.

Now this isn't to say these ladies are vain. That is truly not the case but most people like some say so over what goes out into the world to represent themselves.  I chimed in that I didn't care. That everyone should be aware of this based on what I myself would post.

Then a wonderful thing happened. One of my amazing friends said she didn't think I had ever taken a bad photo.

Although we deal in sarcasms and jokes most of the time this was a sincere compliment. It is my opinion that this is much more a statement about our friendship than my extreme photogenicness.

As proof I offer up these fantastic photos of myself from this awesome evening.

because I'm classy I'm licking salsa off my phone here.

this is obviously my "see food" face

here I am imitating the gen Xers ( or gen Y? I really have no idea what they are called)

Are you supposed to look up or down when taking a selfie?
We are quick to judge everyone we meet on first glance. We have read countless studies about how attractive people have an easier life. How blondes have more fun or how dressing nicely gets you treated differently.

I'm sure all of this is true. I can think of numerous times someone has proven my preconceived notions wrong.

We say beauty is only skin deep but we should add a caveat. Beauty is only skin deep in friends.

Covered in sweat or dressed in our Sunday best. Smiling we are always beautiful.
a smile is better than any makeup.