Hello Internet

Hello Internet

Sunday, August 20, 2017

School is about to Start!

Even if you don't have small children don't pretend like you didn't know because every form of social media has been filled with all things back to school. Parodies about dancing parents, memes about sad kindergarten parents, jokes about making lunches, horror stories about dress codes and so very much more.

Now if you try and tell me you don't follow social media let me stop you there.

That is the new "I don't watch TV" 

Go screw! 

We know you are better than us with all your encyclopedias and the like but whatever! We like gifs showing cats falling in water and freaking out. 

Besides, that isn't a valid argument because every store every where has been advertising it. So unless you are going to tell me you are a home bound agoraphobe, with no internet access, I call LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!

Whatever.

None of your lies matter. What does matter is that for the people in this house, (and for the purposes of this blog the most important people) school is starting back up. 


School supplies have been ordered. Normally a nightmare that I pawn off on the husband. Not this year though. I braved the stores, the lines, the crowds, the complaining, the fits over folders not coming in blue and took care of everything.

At least that is the story I'm telling everyone. The truth is it took 3 minutes.

Yup. That isn't even an exaggeration. 

Both the kid's schools uploaded their school lists to the local Target and all I had to do was find them on the website. 

Three minutes. 

Less than 200 seconds.

Less time than it takes to tie shoes.

Seriously!! I was so giddy I didn't even know what to do with myself.


SHHHHHHHHHH

So yeah it was super easy thanks to the fact that everything is linked in cyberspace and sure every time the internet makes something easier it means some tiny piece of my private life is now available for strangers but who cares?


School shopping is done. Now I just need to enforce a regular bedtime. Preferably at least a few days before school actually starts.

Let's be honest though. THAT AIN'T HAPPENING.




Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Murph and the Warrior Dash.

I spent my Memorial Day torturing myself in memory of a true American Hero.


Cross fit has workouts named after heroes. Real heroes. The kind that wear uniforms and are willing to sacrifice their lives. One of the most famous is the one named after Micheal P Murphy. A Medal of Honor winner. There is a book and a movie about his last battle.

The purpose is to build stamina or see if you can die while exercising. It's hard to tell.

1 mile run
100 Pull Ups
200 Push Ups
300 Air Squats
1 mile run

If you are going to be hardcore you are supposed to do all of that in order with a 20 pound vest on. Because just the exercise isn't enough you need to do it while carrying the equivalent of a toddler.

In case there is a part of you that thought I did 100 pull ups first I want to say I love you and thank you. No such luck! I used a lovely rubber band. I also did it without any extra weight.

The whole damn thing took me 63:01


You are supposed to finish in an hour but forget that! Rules are for other people.

It's been three days and I'm weirdly sore. Like my hands and forearms hurt but the rest of me is fine. Thats good news because this weekend I'm going to be doing the Warrior Dash again. Apparently I haven't learned my lesson with these obstacle races yet. Fingers crossed I remain unbroken.

I'll be doing it with all my Krav Friends though so if a fight breaks out our team is SAFE!


Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Monday Monday

Mondays are always rough. This is true for everyone. We spend our weekends having fun and forgetting our responsibilities and Monday morning is a wake up call.

By "we" I'm talking about the human race not the people that live in this house. We, as in the people in this house, spend our weekends doing ridiculous things like fighting for fun and seeing how close to vomiting we can get during a workout.

PS it was a lot closer than it's been in a while.

So Mondays are hard.

Luckily it ended fun. (Are you being sarcastic? Because it seems like you might be being sarcastic.)

Peanut came downstairs nice and clean from her shower to let me know her stomach hurt. I told her to get a pot and head to bed. This seemed like solid MOM advice. Peanut agreed.

I also mentioned that making sure her bathroom wasn't littered with clothes in case of emergency. Or at least that had been what I was half way through saying before the peanut started to use the pot she had just retrieved from the cabinet.

As I made my way to my vomiting child to usher her into the bathroom to avoid splash back she paused to say one word.

"Frog"

Yup. Frog. Although if we want to be accurate she should have said toad. Because that is what was sitting right in the middle of my living room.

How did it get there?

This is a very valid question but I didn't really have time to think about the answer because the peanut started vomiting again and I had to chase a toad through my house.

So HAPPY MONDAY!

Sunday, January 1, 2017

2017

Somehow we all survived another turn around the sun.

Despite every one's cries that end times were here the sun is still shinning. Well not right here as the first day of 2017 here in NC is rainy but even that isn't something to be sad about because apparently we need the rain if the lake level is anything to go by.

None of that is important.

Okay maybe the lake level is but I can't do anything about that so I'm going to ignore it.

Maybe don't ignore it I mean I'm trying to do my part. You know stuff like starting outside projects and washing  my car.

Yeah and sorry about buying rain boots after it finally started raining. Obviously that is the opposite of productive. But I finally found a pair that fit over my massive calves.

Whatever, I've started to ramble a bit but you guys know that is nothing new for this blog.

90% of my posts are practically stream of conscientiousness crazy with a tiny sprinkle of NERD to keep me honest. Okay if I'm being honest "sprinkle of NERD" isn't really accurate.

OMG what was the point of this blog post?

Oh yeah. 2017!!! Happy new year.

Sure it felt like 2016 was never going to end and then the one two punch of Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds. NOT COOL 2016. NOT COOL AT ALL.

But it's behind us now and 2017 is going to be full of rainbows and unicorns.

I mean I don't have any psychic abilities or anything but, I'm about to get real, it can be what you make it. So start smiling more and laughing louder and stop worrying about what anyone is thinking. Be brave. Be bold. Be crazy, Actually be whatever the hell you want. Find your tribe or squad or troop.

And if you are already the kind of person who lives life like this then continue to spread your joy you magical unicorn!!


Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Parenting 101

This is not a political post!!

I repeat. This is NOT a political post.

Although since my 12 step plan to make you a better parent will help create better humans it could serve as a way to improve this country.

Just kidding. It isn't 12 steps. I would have totally quit at 6 maybe 7. Alright 3. I would have quit after 3.

That's why my parenting technique is only one step.  ONE STEP

Seriously, I've made this easy.

Are you ready for it? I need you to pay attention. This is important.



DON'T RAISE AN ASSHOLE!!



That is literally all I'm trying to do. 

Should one of them cure cancer or initiate peace in the middle east that would just be a bonus. 

All I'm really looking for is little humans who don't think the world owes them everything. 

Who don't try and find offence in every little thing. 

Who can have a conversation with someone who disagrees with them without using name calling and Hitler comparisons.

SIDE NOTE: Hitler actually killed MILLIONS of people. MILLIONS. He didn't raise or lower taxes or insult your favorite band. 

I just want kids who understand that the only way to get anything is through hard work. And here is the shitty part. Sometimes you work as hard as you can and you still lose. It sucks! But this is life.


I wants kids who won't cry when they lose and claim the system is rigged. (PS even if it is rigged, complaining about it is useless. On the other hand, doing something is an actual solution to something you find unfair.)




I need kids who will grow up and not come crying to me the first time their boss doesn't high five them for doing their job. There are no participation trophies in life.

So that's it folks. That's the whole 12 step program.


Try not to raise an asshole.


I figure if we all try this approach the world will be a much nicer place.


Friday, September 2, 2016

NINJA RESUME/CV?

So here's a thing.

I got a gold medal.

Not like an Olympic Gold medal, although I can see where you might be confused since we did just wrap up the Olympics.

Nope I wasn't in RIO, although if I was I probably still would have come home with a gold medal.

FYI there was a bunch of 40 + Olympians. Including a 42 year old lady from Great Britain that is running in her 5TH Olympics!!!!

Obviously we all know about my Ninja Resume.

Right now it is way move impressive than the regular one.

(I just got distracted by calling it a resume instead of a CV because I didn't know what CV stood for so of course I had to head over to google to look it up and now I'm thinking I want to call it my Ninja CV because that sounds cooler plus makes more sense. But that would take forever to update the links and the references and who has that kind of time? AND THIS IS WHY I NEVER GET ANYTHING DONE.)

Back on topic. I was talking about my GOLD (hell yeah all caps) medal.

You may remember back in April I got broken because when you are about to turn 40 you can convince yourself that anything and everything you do is a statement to the world about how you are not growing older. Certainly that you are not getting smarter.

Possibly both.

Well according to the Doctor who turned me into a cyborg, my wrist wouldn't be at full strength by the end of May when I had agreed to enter a BJJ (Brazilian Jui Jitsu) tournament. (please see above for REASONS)

Instead I was forced to sit on the sidelines while other people avoided armbars. Or attempted armbars. It was frustrating. On the one hand I was so very proud of the people who competed but on the other I was SITTING.

Something that I don't like doing anymore.

But time heals all wounds. Although I think that is talking about metaphysical stuff. Broken hearts and the like. It might be a bit too literal to talk about actual wounds.

Whatever, This is my blog and I can use metaphors however I like.

Yeah that's right. I'm the boss here!


Where was I going with this?

Oh Yeah! I remember. I won GOLD.

Actually my whole team did. Pretty awesome right.


First place overall as a team. Pretty impressive I think. That's why I train with these people.

That and because when you find people who will send you stuff like this you know you need to keep them around.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

arachnophobia, not the movie

Super quick post.

There is a spider not of this earth on my gutter.


You know how Australia is always talking about all the the crazy shit that can kill you?

We laugh and breath deep. Resting easy in the knowledge that the list of murderous creatures in North America is short and most are pretty easy to avoid.

Don't want to get eaten by a shark?

Don't go in the ocean.

Don't want to get eaten by a bear?

Don't go in the woods.

Simple solutions to stay alive.

Sure every once and while someone posts a video of a moose trying to attack a car but mostly we have an agreement with our animal population. You stay out of our cities and we won't shoot you and mount your head on our walls.


Forget about bugs. We have maybe three or four that anyone has to worry about.

Three or Four.

Mostly it's just those asshole wasps. You know the ones that contribute nothing but will sting you for looking at them funny?

Yeah those guys are dicks!

Anyway.

Right now there is a prehistoric spider on the gutter of my house.

We will be employing a live and let live attitude as long as he agrees to stay at least ten feet from my porch. This isn't a binding agreement as he refuses to sign the documents I had drawn up but I think he gets that I'm serious. I was holding a flip flop during our negotiations and although I didn't say it out loud he knows what I will do with it if he forces my hand.