Thursday, December 18, 2014

On Christmas I Crush Things

Tonight was my Preschool Christmas Program. (Should all the words be capitalized?)

Eh. Whatever.

The sweet little ones were all dressed up. There were wise men and sheep and camels and an angel and there was even a donkey named Clyde. It was all very "awww".

Moms, Dads, Grandparents, Siblings and random other extended family all thought it was a great show. I have to agree, not to mention knowing this is the last time I have to sing  "must be Santa" this year makes me positively giddy.

Back on point!!!

So normally while I am at preschool I wear Batman t-shirts and assorted other nerd stuff. I pair that with sneakers or flats, sometimes flip flops. Basically I am not a fancy person.

Who can blame me. A smear of snot or a handful of paint are always close at hand. Plus I really love Batman and I like to pretend that the reason I own 5 Batman shirts is because I teach preschool.

Tonight was different though. All the little ones were in their Christmas finest and I needed to step up my game. So I wore heels. This is always cause for comment because of the aforementioned Batman obsession but there was a time when I wore heels more often then not. I can even run in them if necessary although I don't recommend it.

So after I pointed out to all my awesome coworkers* that it wasn't a big deal I crushed a stool and nearly face planted onto the stage.

Yeah you read that right!

While walking onto the stage after the little angels were done to ensue none of them took a header into the audience (no stage diving allowed) I crushed a plastic stool with my heel and caused the audience to gasp.

This is the offending item. According to the Home Depot website it is rated to 325 lbs. LIARS!

I did get a high five from one of the Dads for my recovery so I'm still counting tonight as a win for me.

*Normally it would be safe to assume this was sarcasm but just this once you would be wrong. They really are AWESOME.)

Monday, December 8, 2014


So I totally have a plan for this post but every single time I type SOCKS I remember this awesome late night TV infomercial about how easy it was to learn Spanish and part of the awesomeness was that if you spell the word socks out loud you are speaking Spanish. Of course I have no idea what it means but.....

Crap. Now I totally have to stop writing this to search the internet for the video.

I'm back and I couldn't find the infomercial but I did find this and now I know what SOCKS means in Spanish. Yeah! We are learning stuff.

I have no idea why she is drinking. Okay I have some idea but I need to get back to my point.

I vaguely remember I said I had one before I went into some crazy rambling tangent about Spanish Infomercials.

Oh Yeah! Socks.

So let's take a journey back to 1998. I was newly out of Boat College and my job was sending me every where, all over the globe.

My next assignment was in Alaska, in October! That's nice and sunny here in the South but up there it is already getting CHILLY! I was given a nice stipend to suit up. So off to the outdoor store I went.

I got a Carhart suit, some long johns, and those heated hand warmer packs. Sure I had gone skiing in Maine in February and SCUBA diving on Cape Cod in December.

I'd been cold but this seemed like it was going to warrant special equipment.

Oh yeah and one more thing. I got two pairs of socks. (look at me getting back to the point, high five!)

Thorlo extreme cold socks.

They were $15 a pair. Never in my entire life had I bought a pair of socks that cost even close to this. Despite the salesman's promise that they were indeed worth the price I was skeptical. That's a lot of money for a pair of socks!

I bought them though because my toes are always cold. ALWAYS.

Fast forward some large number of years later and I am sitting on my couch typing this wearing the socks.

The color has faded a bit but other than that they are as good as new. There are no worn patches. No sagging elastic. No holes. Nothing is wrong with them. They are seriously the best socks EVER. 

Today, here, in the South it is cold and rainy but my toes are nice and toasty.

I love you green socks. May you last another 16 (OMG I'm so old.) years.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Trans Siberian Orchestra

I'm not a huge concert goer.

There aren't many performers that I like that are worth the price.

I hate crowds and rudeness and then you have to find someone that loves the same crap to go with you. It's a whole thing. Usually I just sing along really loudly in the car and that gets me my music fix.

I do like different things though so when someone suggested we go see the Tran Siberian Orchestra I thought it would be fun.


We all hear this song at Christmas and it is pretty awesome. Surely a whole concert of rocking orchestral Christmas music will be fun?

Of course that was before I got there.

I guess it shouldn't come as a shock that every group has groupies but I still was then the family wearing matching TSO t shirts and denim jackets walked by.

It was a Christmas show so I figured there would be Christmas music. (Logic always gets me into trouble) I guess that is what they were playing but it was their own music and I had never heard any of it before. Not a single note.

Remember earlier I mentioned that song that we all like? In the THREE hour concert that was the only one I recognized.

What I got instead was back up singers who more closely resembled pole/go go dancers just with more clothes on. Weird hair flipping by guys who were confused about the fact that it wasn't the 80's anymore and a discount Morgan Freeman narrating the worst story ever told in Dr. Seuss like rhymes about a kid finding a box in the attic filled with really random letters.

It was weird. Seriously weird. Like a grandma approved rock concert.

Did you know that double neck guitar still exists? Me neither but here's your proof.
For some reason this guy did this a lot. Lifted up his guitar to show it to the audience. It was like he didn't want us to forget how cool it was or maybe he needed to work his biceps?

I know it was a laser light show but I don't think this guy's ego needed this. Based on the amount of hair flipping and intentional growling.

One more thing. Did I mention the super weird video that played on the big screen that looked like a super bad version of 1980's Dracula complete with girls dancing by candlelight in virginal white dresses? Because there was totally one of those. 

Sure there was more. A lady singer with a guitar that, based on her hand movements, I'm pretty sure could only play one cord. A fantastic retro 1994 screen saver featuring dragons climbing on a castle.

I could go on but this is the Internet and our attentions are short so I'll just end with the fact that I had a good time and because I was out with my fellow Krav Maga classmates I was pretty sure if a full scale riot occurred we were going to full on RULE the world.


Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Christmas Shopping

Normally I hate people who rush the holidays.

When I see Christmas decorations up in October I get very annoyed.

But I'm going to break my own rule because I was out and about the other day and came across some fantastic items that would be perfect for that special someone on your list.

Unicorns aren't just for little girls. This fantastic family, complete with bastard Pegasus, would look perfect sitting next to your fancy lawyer's desk lamp.

For the political buff that has everything. Who doesn't want a plate to commemorate the McCain Obama debate from 2008? Remember when McCain asked "Are you afraid I couldn't hear him?" when the moderator kept telling Obama to talk directly to McCain?

How about this adorable creature. For the person who has outgrown stuffed animals but still loves cute and cuddly dead animals. Everyone knows marsupials make the best friends.

Check out this old family photo. Maybe you were adopted or you come from a bunch of nomads. This guy would lend an air of importance to your office and that made up family story about you being a third generation Judge.

What about that friend who always makes a New Year's resolution to lose weight? It will be so much more fun stepping on this every morning instead of some boring old plain white digital scale.

What about those empty nestors? This handsome little guy will make the loneliness easier to handle. He'll make sure you know you are loved, and watched, every minute of everyday. Sleep tight.

This is the ultimate power painting for that corner office you've been eying since you started with the company 5 years ago. They say you should dress for the job you want. That goes for art too. That "hang in there." kitty poster screams middle management but this winged man riding a Pegasus (is he the reason the unicorn daddy drinks?) says you are vice president material.

Sure people are afraid of clowns but that is because they have never meant this subtle and suave guy. He doesn't throw banana cream pies at you or squirt water into your face from a flower. He is all about Kierkegaard and James Joyce.

Last but not least this guy. Imagine how quickly your house will be added to the local garden tour with him as your centerpiece. You will be the envy of every house frau in the PTO.

So yeah. Maybe it's a little early to start getting crazy but you'll thank me later when you aren't wandering about the mall on Christmas eve looking for one last present.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Bloggin is Like a Dysfunctional Family

So blogging in general is very much like a crazy inbred family.

Bloggers comment on other blogs in the hope of getting more views to their own page. Who then in turn comment back on the comments and it goes round and round until someone ends up with flipper hands. While this can be entertaining it's also a little crazy.

Along that line I have been nominated for the One Lovely Blog award. This isn't to say that this isn't sweet. It's actually pretty awesome that people not blood related to me or being held at gunpoint are reading this blog.

So Thanks internet. You guys are the bomb.

Here Are The Rules:

1. You must thank the person who nominated you and include a link to their blog.
Thanks!   White Girls Be like... Check
2. You must list the rules.
Double check!
3. You must add 7 facts about yourself.
See below Check!  (also I take this to mean stuff I haven't already revealed on my blog right?)
4. You must nominate 15 other bloggers and comment on one of their posts to let them know they have been nominated.

1. Triple S gets tops billing
2. everyone needs a ginger in the mix
3. I shouldn't need to explain this at all!
4. male and snarky.
5. This chick is crazy in the best way.
6. pintrest nightmares and real life mommy drama
7. because of my unhealthy love of Doctor Who
8.  her kids are more insightful that me
9. because she loves RDJ
10. once she talked about finding poop in her hotel room and I nearly wet myself
11. there is wine and ninjas

Crap this is a lot of BLOGs to follow!

12. I feel like I know her in a soul sister way. Not a SWF way.
13.  Apparently I don't follow enough BLOGS.
14.  I feel like a failure to the BLOG community.
15.  I have brought shame to this dojo!

5. You must display the award logo and follow the blogger who nominated you.
Done and Done!

7 Facts About Me:

1. Although I consider myself a "city girl" I could never, ever go back to living in one.

2. I like liver and onions (I have the refined palate of an 80 year old).

3. I let my kids pick my costume every year for Halloween (past years include a vampire, Darth Vader and Luigi)

4. I've watched Jaws and Ghostbusters so many times I can recite almost every line.

5. I never, ever follow a recipe exactly.

6. I love Taylor Swift's song "shake it off", I don't care that she is half my age. (almost)

7. My first concert was Paul Simon in Central Park in 1991.(Rhythm of the Saints is one of my all time favorite albums.)

All right kids. Time to post this and get to notifying some awesome bloggers.

See you on the internet.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

1990 was 24 years ago people!!!

Remember when I said I wasn't going to grow old? It seems like only yesterday.

I'm still fighting the good fight but I realized why some people are always so frustrated.

This morning on one of those Sunday news shows they were talking about Woodward and Bernstein. After a quick sum up they reminded everyone that All The Presidents Men was based on their experience.

I was annoyed. Is this something that people don't know?

This happens to me a lot because I have A LOT of random stuff in my head that I don't realize is random. Why don't more people know these weird facts?

It's a sign of the times though. That movie was made almost 40 years ago and Watergate was even older than that. (Of course it was Caption Obvious because since we don't have a time machine we can only make movies about things that have happened.)

Don't you just want to wrap that cord around your finger?

All of this follows me having to explain to my son how a rotary phone worked. He acted like it was the most ridiculous thing he had ever seen. I suppose it was in an age when he can't remember not being able to play a game or watch his show wherever and whenever he wants it is a funny concept to have to be attached to an actual cable.

Side Note: With all these advances why don't I have a flying car or a hover board yet?

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Are you Predictable?

I was reading a book the other day and the main character was talking about how he knew some guy working in a store drove a sporty little pick up and it got me thinking.(Yes this happens sometimes.)

If you had to guess what kind of car do you think I drive? What kind of car do you think I should drive or would love to drive?

This really is at least a two part questions since sadly, I am not a billionaire so price is always a serious limiting factor. Not to mention the 2 kids. Can't very well drive around in something with no back seat.

Either way we have to live in the real world. 

Ferrari 458 Spider

There is of course an online quiz to help you decide what is the car you SHOULD be driving.
It told me I should drive a Ferrari but that brings us back to my point about the real world.

Although if someone gave me one I would take two trips everywhere. One time for each child riding shotgun with me in this beauty.

So are you predictable?

As a side note if you are the kind of person who picks a car because of color or because it "goes" please don't weigh in. My heart can't handle another argument about why you should care more about what you drive.