Sunday, October 4, 2015

Hot Glue and Paint

Facebook has just informed me that I have been living in my house for 2 years!!! 2 years!!!

That is straight up crazy. 

I've moved a lot. I mean a lot a lot. Like this house is number 15, or maybe 16? I'm getting old so I might be forgetting some places (should I count the times I lived with friends?). This includes all the childhood moves too. As an adult I tried to keep my moving down to a minimum. Probably why we stayed in NJ for as long as we did. (Sorry Triple S)

Whatever. We're here now and it's awesome. 

With moving a lot there are certain things that I always wanted to do right away. Pictures were the biggest thing. I want to start decorating right away too. I feel the need to claim the house as my own. (It's like I'm a dog but with less peeing) Even if I like something there is a part of me that wants to go back to white walls and start over. 

Since this house was new construction everything was "white". Or horrible contractor beige as the case was. Right away we painted the kids rooms. Colin got a nice blue and Natalie got the most ridiculous pink and purple and girl could ever ask for. (Of course now she says her favorite color is blue or black or red, depending on the day.)

Everything was great.

Then I finally caved and joined pinterest

Perhaps it wasn't the wisest decision for someone like myself. Perhaps I should have just stayed away but people kept posting pictures on FB of all the shit they were going to make. Food and crafts and wedding ideas. It was insane and I finally got sucked in.

Thank god for paint brushes and hot glue guns. 

So I keep busy with "projects." Some fail.  

Some don't though and because I am always so shocked when something turns out good (or maybe I'm a braggart) I want to let everyone know. 

Do you think it would be rude to put post its by all my DIY projects around the house? I mean I could also put a supply list so if anyone wants to recreate it they know how? 

No. That's probably weird. 

DARN. Can I just take pictures and post them on FB? (hahahahhah I've been doing that all along)


side note:
This post was almost all about why I wanted to live in a museum. Not like a stuffy building with velvet ropes and audio tours but because I wanted all the stuff in my house to have little brass plates in the corner telling you that I made them or why they are so awesome. And of course by extension I'm awesome.  I changed tactics though.  So your welcome. This could have been a super obnoxious post dedicated to my amazing house.

Just kidding. It still is that because I'm modest AF.

Monday, September 14, 2015

BRRRR it's cold.

It's happened.

Here in the South the temperature has dropped. And by dropped I mean I can open the windows and begin wearing three quarter pants. Possibly even long sleeves. Certainly not full pants though. It's got to get a lot colder for that level of craziness.

At least for me and anyone else newly relocated to the South from the North.

We don't wear jackets in this family. In fact on the few occasions it has snowed it has been all I can do to get my kids to wear fleece.

Triple S hasn't worn a jacket since we moved here. He's all about the hooded sweatshirts which wreaks havoc on my laundry but that's a story for another day. Apparently he seems to think they are one time use and only about 3 fit in the damn washing machine!

Never mind.

Back to this morning. There were pants and fleece as far as the eye could see at the bus stop. There was panic and fear. There was talk of bread and milk.

OK so that didn't really happen as no one who lives in this neighborhood is actually from the South. But this is the time of year that the true Southerners start to freak out.

They bundle their kids up and dress in ridiculous layers.

Of course all of this seems insane as by noon it's sunny and 85 degrees.

I'm going to smile though because I know the cold doesn't mean the snow is about to start. It doesn't mean salted roads and power outages and closed school.

Okay it totally means closed schools but who cares? I won't have to shovel ever two hours to make sure the snow doesn't get to deep for me to leave the house. HAHAHAHAH.

I wont have to leave my Christmas lights up until April when the ice on the house finally melts and I can remove them. Of course by then the squirrels will have chewed through most of the wires so I will only be taking them down to throw them away.

I don't even have an ice scrapper in my car anymore.  That alone makes me giddy.

I remember The Big Recco used to keep a shovel in his trunk because once he got stuck digging his car out with a three ring binder.


It's possible that was just a story and that the shovel was for other purposes.

Whatever. You know what? The South is awesome.

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Internet BS

Remember way back when I was concerned about the 4 legged chickens?

Luckily those sad animals seem to have been rescued. Or eaten. I'm not sure since the Internet seems to have lost interest in them.

Don't worry too much about it though because the Internet has something else you should feel bad about.

Danish people are awesome and show serious respect to their elders. 

Not us though. We are horrible and should take a long hard look in the mirror. Or some other soul searching activity. Staring out a window on a rainy day perhaps? Maybe sitting quietly at a coffee shop while you drink you bitter mochachino?

This is the picture that has been popping up all over social media again.

Notice anything amiss? Out of place?

Remember the part where they said this was in Holland? You know. That country that speaks DUTCH!!

Yeah I don't speak any Dutch either but I know they don't call a post office a POST OFFICE!

So of course being the eternally cynical person I am when it comes to the Internet I questioned the validity of this picture.

So off I went to search the World Wide Web hoping that Snopes would have something.

Imagine my surprise when I found this:

'Dementia village' inspires new care

It's real!! Seriously. This is the news story from 2013 on CNN! CNN people. No one is infallible but CNN is at least slightly more reliable than most other Internet news sights. Plus since the story is 2 years old it's not like people haven't had time to dispute it.

Crazy right?

I'll just be sitting in the corner sipping my tea while I rethink my world view.

Monday, August 24, 2015

First Day of School

Today is the first day of school here.

So far we have one missed bus, one forgotten pair of glasses and some confusion as to where we were going first thing in the morning.

There were backpacks stuffed with pencils and binders and composition books. Not to mention enough tissues and hand sanitizer to prevent the zombie apocalypse.

(I can't imagine why there are crazy super lice)

All in all not a bad beginning to another school year.

Let's see where we stand at the end of the first week.

Monday, August 17, 2015

Hypothesis Test Conclusion

You know that feeling you get when you think you are reasonably good at something but then you are forced to be judged? That twisting in your gut? That moment when all your self confidence leaves?

Like when you create something and then you put it out into the world to be judged? (not like on YouTube, those people are trolls and they live to be cruel)

Like a blog or something like that?

Actually this isn't about the blog. Although of course the fact that I am writing in the blog means that the above statement isn't true.

That's confusing.

But why should today be any different.

Actually I'm talking about singing.

Have I mentioned before that I do it a lot?

Like all the time. In the house while I'm cooking or cleaning. When I mow the lawn or clean the cars. When I'm painting, or building, or clearing the gutters, or any number of other things. (I seriously do all these things because I'm that good.)

I LOVE music and I'm not sure how anyone gets anything done without it.

Right now there is some fantastic Jazz on thanks to SONGZA. No singing and typing. I have a hard enough time expressing myself. 

In the car I'm the worst. Singing at the top of my lungs with the windows down. God forbid you get stuck next to me at a red light. For some reason I've never cared about that. It's not like I'm going to see those people again. They can judge away.

The last time I sang in public though was 8th grade. I sat on a lone stool in the middle of the stage in some ridiculous peasant skirt and sang Bette Midler's Wind Beneath My Wings.

I know right? You can just picture the awesomeness of it. Hard to imagine I was ever that cool.

So I'm not going to do the math but that was a LONG time ago.

Now I've sang in the car with my friends and at parties where the music is so loud I could sound like a dying pig and no one would notice. People have said nice things but I've always shaken them off. They are my friends after all. It isn't as if they are going to say cruel things even if my voice resembled the howling of goats.

At least I'm pretty sure they wouldn't. They aren't the type of people to offer false compliments. Or maybe they are but I have such a high opinion about myself I can't fathom that everyone else wouldn't think I was awesome too?

Either way no one has ever begged me to stop.

So this past weekend there was a big party for a very special lady. We seriously had planning meetings and a god damn sign up genius to make sure everything was perfect. and for entertainment we had a karaoke machine. I mean an honest to god karaoke machine with the lyrics up on screen and microphones and everything.

How can this not be fun?

When you know you aren't any good you don't care about being silly and having fun. It's not like we were auditioning for The Voice. This was all in good fun.

That is of course unless you think you have a half way decent voice. It's a truth you've always held but have never tested for fear that someone would prove you wrong. That someone would crush your little hypothesis.

But then you do. You sing without the mic because you really don't need the amplification and not only do your friends say nice things (seriously starting to wonder if they would lie or not. Note to self. Wear an UGLY dress next time out and see if anyone says anything) but their husbands do too.

So you get to keep that secret little fantasy where you totally could have been a professional. Serious. I'm just one chair turn away from being the next Kelly Clarkson. If Blake or Adam heard me you just know they would turn their chairs.

Or I'll probably just go back to singing in the shower.

Either way it's a pretty awesome life so I'm not going to complain.

Friday, July 31, 2015

Sleeping (perhaps it's my superpower)

Did you know I'm am a hateful person?


Hmmm. Triple S thinks so.

Okay, he doesn't think that all the time only when it's bedtime.

Hmmmmm, That could be the beginning of a completely different blog. I'd better clarify.

He thinks I've made a pact with the Devil because I can fall asleep in 30 seconds. Seriously. Doesn't matter what time it is or how tired I am,  I've always been able to pass out like I was shot with a horse tranquilizer. Although I've never tried it I'm convinced I could sleep standing up.

In addition to this fantastic quality I can also sleep through just about anything.

Time for an example.

Triple S is a volunteer at the local fire department and as such he has a pager. Not like one the cool kids had in the 90's. This thing is ridiculously loud and noisy.

For obvious reasons it must be loud. Think about the worst alarm clock you've ever had and magnify it by ten then throw in a howling monkey and one of those internet famous screaming goats and you will be some where close to the level of annoying this thing achieves.

Did I mention it vibrates? Of course it does because if the screaming banshee like noise isn't enough the fact that it can also shatter glass with it's vibration will make sure you know someone needs help.  It's like the bat signal but less cool and way more ear splitting.

Now imagine it going off at 2 am and the person you are sleeping next to getting out of bed, getting dressed and leaving your home.

Now imagine that you don't wake up.

Yep. Nothing. Not even a grunt of acknowledgement. In fact it's so bad that I've woken up in the morning and harassed Triple S about being lazy only for him to inform me that he was gone from 1am till 6am at a fire.

Yup. Didn't know that happened.

It's more complicated than that though.

The following is a list of things that have woken me up:

The dogs collar jangling

The kids using the bathroom (upstairs and at the other side of the house)

A kitchen timer going off in the garage

A car idling on the street

Small daughter falling out of bed

A dead battery on a smoke detector

You know the beep that goes off every minute? I'm sure your heard it. Our fire alarms are all hardwired with battery backups. Which is handy because it's not like you can't have a fire if there's no power.

But batteries die and of course this doesn't happen at 4 in the afternoon. It's always at 4 am. When everyone if snuggled tightly in bed. Dreaming about lollipops and rainbows.

So I was forced to wander around the house trying to pinpoint the sound. FYI I would make a really shitty DareDevil.  Seriously I'm thinking about getting my ears checked. Well not to see if they work; obviously they do. Wait is there a test to see how well your echolocation works? Is that a real thing?

Probably not and I'm way too lazy to google it right now.

Feel free to do your own Web MD search but try hard not to convince yourself you have cancer of the ear.

Conclusion: I got the dam thing off the ceiling and took out the battery but of course it was still beeping. I was going to smash it with a hammer because when I'm tired I tend to think like the Hulk but Triple S suggested I just put it in the garage. Please note above. Although he wouldn't have to hear it I was sure the dam thing would still sound as loud as the tell tale heart (YEAH NERDY BOOK REFERENCE). Luckily as I walked it out to the garage it stopped.

Here is the other thing that drives Triple S insane. After all this fun I crawled back into bed and was asleep in 30 seconds. Yup. Right back out like I hadn't just been wandering around the house in the middle of the night climbing ladders and cursing technology.

PS the battery was replaced the next morning and fire detector was put back on the ceiling. Serious side note. Fire detectors can only save your life if they are working and installed properly.

Wait!!! I just had a brilliant thought. Why isn't the battery in my fire alarm a rechargeable one that is continuously charged by the power? Seriously why isn't this a thing?

That's how your car works. It's also how my garage door opener works. See it's already a thing. Someone just needs to apply it to the fire alarm industry. Get on this smart people!

Monday, July 27, 2015

3 Hour Tour

So I've mentioned in the past that I went to Boat College.

Obviously there are so many day to day practical applications when this comes in handy. I'd list them right now but you non boat college graduates would get bored and nobody wants that.

It also leads to request to "captain" someone else's boat. There was talk of this exact thing on one of our girl's night out but as it so happened the weather didn't cooperate and we were forced to drive to the restaurant like common folk.

This time though, mother nature was on our side as I arrived at the dock. There was some conversation about the "finicky" nature of the boat. An explanation of the "tricks" to get it to start.

Sure enough it didn't turn over the first time. As I had never been on this boat before I trusted said owner to advise me on the throttle, clutch and gear shift.

Sadly she was misinformed and that didn't help the situation. Eventually we got it started and headed out to sea. Ok we headed out to Lake but that just doesn't sound as good.

There was talk of anchoring near "invisible island". So named by the children because as you approach it you can't distinguish it from the mainland until you are right on top of it.

The anchor proved uncooperative (are you sensing a theme?) and we instead decided to "beach" it. That of course proved to be an easy enough task and we were soon settled and enjoying swimming, jumping and rolling in the sand.

We chit chatted with the other people who had also "beached" themselves. Basically it was a lovely day on the lake.

That held true right up until we needed to leave.  Some of you smart people might be able to guess what happened. But for everybody else don't worry. I'm going to tell you. That is the point of this blog after all.

It wouldn't start.


I know I was shocked too. Luckily one of the nice people offered to tow us home. (People are so nice here it's very weird.)

Plans were made about how we would get off the island. How they would attach to us. How he would direct them to our dock.

What is it they say about plans? No battle plan survives first contact with the enemy.

I guess in this case the enemy was the sea (or the lake, whatever.).

Side note. Right now I can't stop thinking about George from Seinfeld telling the story about pulling the golf ball out of the whale's blow hole.

"The sea was angry that day. Like an old man trying to send back soup at a deli."

Back on point. No sooner did we leave the shore than the dog jumped off and tried to swim back to land. Yup! Luckily there was a group of campers. They weren't any help but one of their counselors was. He grabbed the dog and swam her back to the boat where I pulled her aboard.

The piece de resistance was of course that as we approached the dock I dove into the water with the rope in my teeth to the cheers of all the children. Okay I didn't have the rope in my mouth but just picture it? It would have been epic right? Maybe with some kind of harpoon in my hand?

I have no idea what this diagram is for but it's awesome.

The kids didn't cheer but they were impressed.

At the end of the day no one was hurt, nothing was damaged(the boat had a dead battery), and everyone had a fun day so all in all a successful adventure.

Win Win Win.