Monday, July 27, 2015

3 Hour Tour

So I've mentioned in the past that I went to Boat College.

Obviously there are so many day to day practical applications when this comes in handy. I'd list them right now but you non boat college graduates would get bored and nobody wants that.

It also leads to request to "captain" someone else's boat. There was talk of this exact thing on one of our girl's night out but as it so happened the weather didn't cooperate and we were forced to drive to the restaurant like common folk.

This time though, mother nature was on our side as I arrived at the dock. There was some conversation about the "finicky" nature of the boat. An explanation of the "tricks" to get it to start.

Sure enough it didn't turn over the first time. As I had never been on this boat before I trusted said owner to advise me on the throttle, clutch and gear shift.

Sadly she was misinformed and that didn't help the situation. Eventually we got it started and headed out to sea. Ok we headed out to Lake but that just doesn't sound as good.

There was talk of anchoring near "invisible island". So named by the children because as you approach it you can't distinguish it from the mainland until you are right on top of it.

The anchor proved uncooperative (are you sensing a theme?) and we instead decided to "beach" it. That of course proved to be an easy enough task and we were soon settled and enjoying swimming, jumping and rolling in the sand.

We chit chatted with the other people who had also "beached" themselves. Basically it was a lovely day on the lake.

That held true right up until we needed to leave.  Some of you smart people might be able to guess what happened. But for everybody else don't worry. I'm going to tell you. That is the point of this blog after all.

It wouldn't start.

GASP!

I know I was shocked too. Luckily one of the nice people offered to tow us home. (People are so nice here it's very weird.)

Plans were made about how we would get off the island. How they would attach to us. How he would direct them to our dock.

What is it they say about plans? No battle plan survives first contact with the enemy.

I guess in this case the enemy was the sea (or the lake, whatever.).

Side note. Right now I can't stop thinking about George from Seinfeld telling the story about pulling the golf ball out of the whale's blow hole.

"The sea was angry that day. Like an old man trying to send back soup at a deli."



Back on point. No sooner did we leave the shore than the dog jumped off and tried to swim back to land. Yup! Luckily there was a group of campers. They weren't any help but one of their counselors was. He grabbed the dog and swam her back to the boat where I pulled her aboard.

The piece de resistance was of course that as we approached the dock I dove into the water with the rope in my teeth to the cheers of all the children. Okay I didn't have the rope in my mouth but just picture it? It would have been epic right? Maybe with some kind of harpoon in my hand?

I have no idea what this diagram is for but it's awesome.

The kids didn't cheer but they were impressed.

At the end of the day no one was hurt, nothing was damaged(the boat had a dead battery), and everyone had a fun day so all in all a successful adventure.

Win Win Win.




Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Friendship is Blinding. Like the SUN

Tonight I got to go to dinner with some of my favorite people in the world and as is usually the case the cell phones came out to take photos.

We like to commemorate our outings with pictures. Regular ones and the super obnoxious selfie kind.

The birthday girl asked for final approval on any photos that might be posted and everyone else chimed in that they wanted the same privilege.

Now this isn't to say these ladies are vain. That is truly not the case but most people like some say so over what goes out into the world to represent themselves.  I chimed in that I didn't care. That everyone should be aware of this based on what I myself would post.

Then a wonderful thing happened. One of my amazing friends said she didn't think I had ever taken a bad photo.

Although we deal in sarcasms and jokes most of the time this was a sincere compliment. It is my opinion that this is much more a statement about our friendship than my extreme photogenicness.

As proof I offer up these fantastic photos of myself from this awesome evening.

because I'm classy I'm licking salsa off my phone here.

this is obviously my "see food" face

here I am imitating the gen Xers ( or gen Y? I really have no idea what they are called)

Are you supposed to look up or down when taking a selfie?
We are quick to judge everyone we meet on first glance. We have read countless studies about how attractive people have an easier life. How blondes have more fun or how dressing nicely gets you treated differently.

I'm sure all of this is true. I can think of numerous times someone has proven my preconceived notions wrong.

We say beauty is only skin deep but we should add a caveat. Beauty is only skin deep in friends.

Covered in sweat or dressed in our Sunday best. Smiling we are always beautiful.
a smile is better than any makeup.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Kryptonite/Hair

First before I start talking about  myself I have a question.

Is there another superhero besides Superman that has such a well known weakness?

Sure the Green Lantern has yellow stuff. (you know you totally knew that)

I really can't think of anything else off the top of my head.

Time Out while I search the Internet...........................

I'm back. Guess what? There is nothing else memorable. Although I will mention that I just learned the original Wonder Woman could be trapped if a MAN bound her hands. That is some serious sexist Bravo Sierra. Glad that is no longer the case.

Okay after that little nerd interlude let's get back to me.

Have I told you I have a "Kryptonite"?

Time Out again. Did you know Krypton is in spellcheck but Kryptonite isn't? WTF?

Back again. About my Kryptonite (seriously. how is this not in spellcheck?).

I'm going to tell you but only because I doubt there are any super villains that read this blog. They are much more into TUMBLR and VINE.

It's my hair.

You know that stuff that grows on top of my head? Yeah.

I HATE WHEN ANYONE TOUCHES IT!!

Is there something more yelly than bold caps? Maybe underlined too?

Seriously. I HATE IT!

Underlining was too much! I always go too far. Live and learn.

It was one of the multitude of benefits to having short hair: no one touches it. But now in some sort of sick sadomasochistic move I'm growing it out. Don't say I'm overreacting. Have you ever grown out short hair? It's like one bad middle school hair cut after another and now to add insult to injury people feel like they can touch it.

"Ohh it's curly." Like that fact that my hair has curls means you should touch it.

PS it doesn't. These are the same people who touch pregnant lady's bellies I bet.

Right now I still have enough patience to remain calm and not slap anyone but we are quickly approaching the day when I'll black out and when I finally come out of my Hulk like rage someone will be lying at my feet wondering why and I'll have to explain to a judge that it was a totally provoked attack.   "She touched my hair." Best. Defense. Ever.

I guess this is more of a public service announcement. Or maybe a warning...

If you've gotten away with it in the past. Count yourself lucky but remember one day the sleeping lion is going to wake up and you are going to pull back a bloody stump.

Gosh those are some serious mixed metaphors. What ever.

You get it right?

Hands off the hair!!


I love you Internet! Don't ever change. There is nothing you don't have!!!!




Monday, June 8, 2015

Getting Rid of Satellite Helped Me to be a Better Parent.

Just not the way you think.




A few months ago Triple S and I agreed we were paying WAY TO MUCH for satellite TV. This isn't to say we didn't like it. Because we certainly did, but the bill just kept getting larger and the number of shows we were watching was getting smaller and smaller.

So we cancelled and got a streaming box and a digital antenna. (unless there is a chance I'm going to get something free I'm not plugging any name brands!)

Yeah. Old school rabbit ears. (although they are hidden in the attic so no one knows.)

That way we could keep watching local channels and the fabulous b team news.

That is what Triple S and I call the local news. If you are from the New York tri state area and you have since moved to small market news location then you know what I'm talking about. It's like watching high school Shakespeare. Sure they may get all the lines right but it isn't the same.

When we finally severed the satellite link we started discovery new things. Well actually old things but they are new to us again.

Sunday morning The Monkees are on.  It actually holds up. It's still silly and fun and it makes you smile.

The best part though is Saturday's line up.

1966 Batman

1975 Wonder Woman

1966 Star Trek  
Better still is the fact that my kids are excited about watching these. When they found out Star Trek was on netflix they started a marathon.

As a parent you are supposed to share the world with your kids. Teach them about the important things and that is why I feel like I am totally winning as a parent.

You can teach your kids sharing and kindness. I'm sticking with nerd topics only.


Thursday, June 4, 2015

Still Your Mind

So this isn't the first time I've talked about trying to be a fitter me.

Recently though, I've switched up some things. Including Yoga in my routine to try and balance the abuse I take at Krav Maga. Or trying to see how many dichotomys I can include. Who knows.

It's really hard to know why I do anything.

So back to Yoga. It's great. All Namaste and stretching.

I've always been a reasonably flexible person but Yoga is something else. There are always a few ladies who can totally human pretzel themselves but none of this is important.

What is important is Shavasana.

Yeah yeah yeah. I know we don't all speak Yogi.

It's the rest at the end of class and apparently the "hardest practice" in yoga. At least that is what the instructor always says.

FYI everything in Yoga is a "practice" kind of like medicine. 

The point it just to lay there and clear your mind.

The second part of that sentence is the hard part.

My inner monologue while I tried to "count my breaths" (that is how we are supposed to stay focused on nothing, if that's possible), is very disjointed.

I think most people probably have a hard time shutting down their to do list and the things that they are currently worrying about. Normal things like college funds and dry cleaning pick up.

Not me. Not that you are surprised by this.

So here is a peak inside my mind while I am trying to keep it still.



1   2   3   4 exhale

1   2   3   4 inhale

think about nothing. think about nothing.

Nothing

Nothing

Is this what it was like for the Ghostbusters?

 I'm feeling pretty sympathetic to Ray right now.

back to breathing stupid.

1   2   3   4 inhale

1   2   3   4 exhale

nothing nothing

be still, chill. veg out. Like Broccoli.

Can you imagine what it would have been like if he had thought about a unicorn?

breathing, counting, breathing, counting

relax

relax

My mind is blank

Blank Blank

Tabula Rasa

Latin is weird. Not as weird as Shakespeare but weird.

There is no Shakespeare stuff in my house. Maybe I should search pinterest for a project?

Dammit! 

1   2   3   4 inhale

1   2   3   4 exhale

I should totally write a blog about the fact that I can't stop thinking weird stuff while I am supposed to be meditating. Wait is meditating the same as Shavasana?  Because sometimes we do both and they are separate things? Although They feel the same except one is when I am sitting and one and when I am laying down.

1   2   3   4 inhale

1   2   3   4 exhale

Oh she's wringing the bell. We're done. toe wiggling time!!!



Would it be considered META that I am now writing a blog about how I was thinking about writing a blog and now you're reading that blog?

Either way. At no point did I think about my to do list or what I was going to cook for dinner or if I had left the porch light on that morning.

So good luck the next time you have to clear your mind. Hopefully the fate of the world won't rely on your ability to think about nothing.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Lillian Smith Jr (is not a real person)

For the last few weeks Triple S has been dealing with a back issue. I say that like it's a minor thing but sadly it wasn't.

12 years ago Triple S managed to land himself in the care of a back surgeon. If you are following at home he was still in his 20s! Yeah. It wasn't cool then and it isn't cool now.

But that isn't the point.

In the last few weeks we have seen doctor after doctor as we were passed up the ladder from GP to specialist to surgeon.

As we sat in the waiting room of the surgeon's office Triple S and I were discussing if the MD was a he or a she when we noticed a diploma on the wall. As is standard on diplomas the doctors name was written. (Aren't you glad I explained this part? Seriously? Just in case you have never seen or received a diploma of your own. Or you are an alien from another planet.)

The doctor was a "third".

It was at this point I told Triple S I was sure our doctor was a male.

He agreed of course because I'm always right or he was in a lot of pain or maybe it was the painkillers? It's hard to be sure but either way he said I was right.

Of course I'm right. No one has ever met a Sharon Mckenzie III. Or a Jennifer Stein Jr.

Sure you can say it's because women still usually take their husband's name so it wouldn't be a true "junior" but we know that isn't the real reason.

Actually I don't really know what the real reason is but it is surely one of those purely male things.



PS

So I wrote this about a week ago and then started reading The Imperial Cruise. It's a book about President Teddy Roosevelt and the lead up to WWII. In the book it talks about how he sends his daughter just to keep his name in the papers but unless you like WWII none of this matters.

What does matter is that her name is Alice Roosevelt. Like Alice Roosevelt the second. As in that is also her Mom's name? WTF Teddy! Way to prove me wrong from beyond the grave.

No one say anything to Triple S.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Dear NC Drivers

It's Spring here (actually it's spring everywhere it's just the weather that's different). This means it's getting warmer and flip flops are coming out.

It also means rain.  Lots and lots of rain.

I'm not complaining about rain. I love it. It makes the flowers grow and it makes the pollen go far far away.

What I don't like is how it affects the drivers down here.

Before I complain about 'locals' I want to talk about how much I love my adopted home. North Carolina is awesome. The weather, the people, the biscuits, the sweet tea.

It's all great on most days.

I'm even cool with the ridiculous way we handle the snow down here. It's rare and I get that no one is going to have enough practice for a mastery of the skill of snow driving.

Totally okay.  I'll stay home and laugh at the ridiculous rush of people to get bread and milk because an inch is being predicted.

So you totally get a pass on the lack of snow driving skills.

But what about the rain?

Seriously. Why can't you drive in the rain? For the last fours days I have been trapped behind car after car doing at least 5 miles under the limit while my windshield wipers are still on intermittent.

Traffic has been ridiculous and the roads are barely damp.

It rains all the time. You should know how to do this.

Wait. I'm having an AHA moment!!
 Is this a NASCAR thing? I know they can't race in the rain. They even have jet powered blow dryers for the track to dry the asphalt. I know this because a few years ago some guy crashed into one and it EXPLODED! Seriously. That happened.

Okay here is some knowledge. Your car does not have racing slicks. You have tires with treads that help you grip the road even when it's wet. Yes hydroplaning is a real thing but not when it's only drizzling.

Speed up people. You're making me want to find out how harsh the road rage laws are down here.