44

In a week I turn 44. I'll be spending my birthday in my house because my options during the time of COVID are limited.

Not that I would normally party till the break of dawn. Not really my speed. No doubt I would have gone out dinner with my family and some friends and ate WAY TOO MUCH.

I can still do that at my house though.

44 isn't a special age by any reasonable gauge.

It's not a milestone like 21 or even 40.

For most people birthday 44 will pass like any other day, but for me, it's a little bit different.

44 is the age my mother died.

44 is the last birthday she celebrated.

When I was younger 44 didn't seem old but it didn't seem as young as it does right now.

When my mother died I had so many questions that I wanted answered. So many things about the way she lived her life that I wanted her to explain. Choices I wanted her to justify.

But I was so young. Everything about her life was foreign to me. I didn't know what it felt like to be a mother. A wife. To have people rely on you.

I always hoped that as I aged and got some life experiences her choices would make more sense. I would be able to see why she was who she was.

Now, sitting on this side of the fence, I still don't understand her. Her choices still confuse me and frustrate me and despite my best effort still make me very angry sometimes. Most of all though this birthday makes me sad.

Sad that this is as far as she got. Not because fate is cruel or because sometimes bad stuff just happens but because she made bad choices. Because she let her demons win.

So while I am sad about the things she missed I am grateful her choices taught me life lessons that a lot of people have to learn themselves the hard way.

Grateful that her choices made me who I am today.

So I'm going to try and live my life to the fullest this year but I might get maudlin sometimes. I might express my undying love for you or confess all kinds of things because life is short. So short and I'm not going to waste it.