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Parenting 101

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This is not a political post!!

I repeat. This is NOT a political post.
Although since my 12 step plan to make you a better parent will help create better humans it could serve as a way to improve this country.
Just kidding. It isn't 12 steps. I would have totally quit at 6 maybe 7. Alright 3. I would have quit after 3.
That's why my parenting technique is only one step.  ONE STEP
Seriously, I've made this easy.
Are you ready for it? I need you to pay attention. This is important.



DON'T RAISE AN ASSHOLE!!


That is literally all I'm trying to do. 
Should one of them cure cancer or initiate peace in the middle east that would just be a bonus. 
All I'm really looking for is little humans who don't think the world owes them everything. 
Who don't try and find offence in every little thing. 
Who can have a conversation with someone who disagrees with them without using name calling and Hitler comparisons.
SIDE NOTE: Hitler actually killed MILLIONS of people. M…

NINJA RESUME/CV?

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So here's a thing.

I got a gold medal.

Not like an Olympic Gold medal, although I can see where you might be confused since we did just wrap up the Olympics.

Nope I wasn't in RIO, although if I was I probably still would have come home with a gold medal.

FYI there was a bunch of 40 + Olympians. Including a 42 year old lady from Great Britain that is running in her 5TH Olympics!!!!

Obviously we all know about my Ninja Resume.

Right now it is way move impressive than the regular one.

(I just got distracted by calling it a resume instead of a CV because I didn't know what CV stood for so of course I had to head over to google to look it up and now I'm thinking I want to call it my Ninja CV because that sounds cooler plus makes more sense. But that would take forever to update the links and the references and who has that kind of time? AND THIS IS WHY I NEVER GET ANYTHING DONE.)

Back on topic. I was talking about my GOLD (hell yeah all caps) medal.

You may remember back in…

arachnophobia, not the movie

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Super quick post.

There is a spider not of this earth on my gutter.


You know how Australia is always talking about all the the crazy shit that can kill you?

We laugh and breath deep. Resting easy in the knowledge that the list of murderous creatures in North America is short and most are pretty easy to avoid.

Don't want to get eaten by a shark?

Don't go in the ocean.

Don't want to get eaten by a bear?

Don't go in the woods.

Simple solutions to stay alive.

Sure every once and while someone posts a video of a moose trying to attack a car but mostly we have an agreement with our animal population. You stay out of our cities and we won't shoot you and mount your head on our walls.


Forget about bugs. We have maybe three or four that anyone has to worry about.

Three or Four.

Mostly it's just those asshole wasps. You know the ones that contribute nothing but will sting you for looking at them funny?

Yeah those guys are dicks!

Anyway.

Right now there is a prehistoric s…

RANTING!

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Behold! I am about to have my first old lady rant.

Sure I know I'm not really old. I wasn't fishing for compliments.

  Although I also won't stop you from giving them if that is the kind of mood you're in today.

I went to a wedding last month. My youngest brother got married. No blog post about that though because as far as fodder for my crazy it was barren. In other words it was a perfectly lovely wedding with lovely speeches and dancing and smiling, happy people.

There was a guy playing the drums along with the DJ. YES JUST DRUMS. But I was informed by younger people that this is common now. Being out of the wedding circuit I wasn't aware so I guess I will just have to take their word for it.

Jeez!!

That was a serious sidetrack. Although since I was mentioning about how I don't know what the cool kids are doing these day because I'm old it kind of fits with the overall theme right?

Whatever.

In getting ready for the wedding I was trying to figure out what…

I'm Fixed...

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Notice I got rid of the question mark and added some ellipsis. (Yeah, I had to look up what that was called, at least I knew it had a name though right?)

So I just got back from my check up where I was cleared by my Doc to resume normal activity.

I think he was confused though because I resumed "normal" activity about 2 days after surgery (my preschoolers need me!) and started resuming MY activity a few days after that.

This is me exactly one week out from surgery back in Krav Maga.

Sure maybe it wasn't a great idea but going insane also wasn't the best option.

Besides. I was careful and as you can see from the picture I wore a brace.

Of course that brace didn't last for long and about a week after that I started back at cross-fit too.
And carrying children.


Don't freak out. I modified and scaled stuff down. I even listened to my body and didn't do stuff that made my wrist throb. That's almost like being a good patient.

ALMOST.

It's at this point…

I'm fixed?

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Remember when I told you all about my FIRST broken bone
Well it's 'fixed' now. Or it's improved like bionic style.
This is the surgery, not mine but the same thing.

That isn't what this is about though.

Even if you've never had surgery I'm sure you still know about the no food or drink after midnight. It's the same rule as Gremlins. And since you are a huge fan of this blog you also know that I get HANGRY. Well if you mix that in with my lack of coffee it was a rough morning.

At some point while I was hanging out in my beautiful hospital gown some one walked by with the above mentioned drink of the gods. Broken wrist or not I was pretty sure I could take them.

This was when the anesthesiologist asked me about how much coffee I drink. I admit I got a little cagey because I was worried that they would cancel my surgery. I mean the nurse told me I wasn't even allowed to chew gum, crazy town!

She wasn't trying to trap me in a lie though. She was m…

I'm broken

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Remember last week when I told you all about some lunatic that ran 100 miles?

Of course you do.
That is the sort of thing that sticks with you, perhaps even haunts you.
Well today I ran the Spartan. Again. You might remember I did this 3 years ago.
I was ready for today. I'm in better shape, stronger and faster.
I'm also OLDER. 
shakes an angry fist at father time. MEN!

About two thirds of the way through I scaled a ten foot wall and on the way down I tumbled and.......Well I'll just let this picture explain.


Yup. that is a broken wrist.
So whatever, that happens. People do stupid things and get hurt all the time.
OTHER PEOPLE!! Not me. I'm invincible. 
OK maybe not invincible but while I was getting x rayed I had some time to think. I've never had an x ray. At least not one in all the years I've been old enough to remember.
That's crazy.  
NEVER had an x ray? That's just a shame because look how pretty my bones are.

SELFISH. Very selfish.  So you're…

100 miles

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This isn't a post about that Proclaimers song.

Not sure what is more upsetting. 1) that by typing that, the song is now stuck in my head or 2) that I knew the Proclaimers sang it without having to look it up? It's a toss up really.

Whatever.

Have you ever run?

Not from something or because you were late but for FUN? Weird right?

Apparently people do it all the time. 5ks, half marathons, full marathons. There is actually a race that is 100 miles long.

Yes you read that right. A nice jog that can take you 24 hours to complete. Doesn't that sound like FUN? Seriously FUN right?

Obviously I'm not going to be doing that.

This weekend though someone I know did.

I'll give you a second to wrap your brain around that. 24 hours of running.

So I signed up to get text notifications of their progress. Cool right? I thought so too but because that would be a lame blog post I've decided to juxtapose my day to their progress.



By the time I was brushing my teeth they had already…

I can't....

Sure we are never supposed to say we can't do something. That is the thing we repeat over and over again to each little special snowflake, but the reality is there are somethings we can't do.

Okay maybe shouldn't is a better word.

Yeah, lets go with shouldn't.

YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.

Why are we talking about this you might be thinking? A perfectly reasonable thing to think since as of right now I've given you no context or background and maybe you're starting to think I've finally snapped and sure that is possible but not likely right now.

Right now I'm talking about this because I got a massage today.

A very special treat I only indulge in about once a year.

As usually it was awesome but it got me thinking.

Masseur is NOT the job for me.

Not because I don't want to touch other people. Nope. Although I can admit that isn't that appealing. Instead it's because my hands are ALWAYS cold. Right now as I type this I am sitting on the couch i…

40!!!!!!!!!!!

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So I've skirted around the age thing here a bit. Not so much because I care but because I'm SUPPOSED to care.

It's one of those things women are not allowed to talk about.

The other is of course weight.

My kids have been obsessed with age for a long as I can remember. They know better than I do how old Triple S will turn this year and they sure as hell know how old I'm going to be.

SPOILER ALERT it's 40.

In case you didn't figure that out yet.

I'm a bicentennial baby. That's a thing you know. Before there were state quarters there were bicentennial quarters. 1976 In case you didn't want to do the math. The year the country turned 200. Luckily I'm not that old. Or unlucky? Not sure If I'd want to live that long.


Whatever. Back on topic.

40 is the new 30 or 20? I'm not sure. I'm also not sure why I'm supposed to freak out.  Sure there are more lines on my face than there were last year and me and hair color aren't just friends…

Activity Specific Music

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So cool news. I teach martial arts AGAIN. New twist. I actually get paid this time.  Crazy right? As if the preschool foolishness wasn't enough. Nope. Now it's play dough mornings and arm bar nights.

BEST LIFE EVER.

Okay done with that!

So along with this cool new thing I've been making playlists like its my job.

OH WAIT, IT IS!!! (so cool)

So obviously when you are trying to push yourself to work harder you need good music.

No ENYA.

That just isn't going to cut it.

One of my favorite motivational go to songs is THUNDERSTRUCK.


It makes you want to push harder. It makes me think I can run a little further, hit a little harder, jump a little higher. Basically be Superwoman.

It's also in a playlist that I like to listen to with the windows down while I drive fast.

That's it though.

When else would anyone listen to AC/DC?

Folding laundry?

Yoga?

Mowing the lawn?

Singing?

SIDE NOTE: These are all things I have playlists for. Seriously. I'm obsessed with music. 

So…

bumper stickers

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The other day I was having a conversation about road rage. A friend was telling me about an article he read that concluded if you had bumper stickers you were more likely to have road rage.  The reason was that by putting stickers on your car it became an extension of yourself, therefore any incident involving the car was a personal affront.

Made logical sense.

SIDE NOTE: Because today I am not being lazy here is the article.

For the record I do have a sticker on my car but I've never had road rage. I've had road frustration or road annoyance but never rage.



I'll pause for you to try and fit that into your world view. I know it's weird. Like finding out the pope likes hunting. Some how it doesn't seem right.


I agree about the sticker making your car more personal. It isn't as permanent as a tattoo but it certainly isn't easy to get off. That is why political bumper stickers confuse me.

Beyond that though is the people who put them on crooked.

You love this c…