I might be dead.

How long would I be dead before someone noticed?

Late last night I heard one of my kids call "Mom!".

So I yelled back "What?"  and waited.

And waited. 

And waited.

When nothing else happened I got out of bed. 

OH WAIT.

Did I forget to mention I was all snuggled in my bed getting closer and closer to dreamland? Because that is where I was after I told my children of my intentions to enter dreamland. Not that they ever pay attention to me but I sometimes like to scream into the void just to hear the sound of my own voice. 

So out of bed I go. 

Up the stairs. 

Into the lair that belongs to my teenage child. 

The door is, of course, locked despite my requests to not do that. 

So I bang on the door and the teenage zombie leaves his game for a moment to answer it.

Son- "What?"

Me- "You called me."

Son- "Oh yeah I thought I heard a gunshot."

Me- "And you didn't think to check on me? Save your sister? Escape to safety? Am I currently bleeding out while some thief robs us?"

Son-"You answered me."

Oh, that's right. I said 'what'. All the confirmation my kid needed after hearing what he thought was a GUNSHOT.

I heard no such thing. Again I was trying to enter dreamland but still his response to my attempted murder is not very comforting. 

So the question is how long would I be dead before someone noticed?

School is about to Start!

Even if you don't have small children don't pretend like you didn't know because every form of social media has been filled with all things back to school. Parodies about dancing parents, memes about sad kindergarten parents, jokes about making lunches, horror stories about dress codes and so very much more.

Now if you try and tell me you don't follow social media let me stop you there.

That is the new "I don't watch TV" 

Go screw! 

We know you are better than us with all your encyclopedias and the like but whatever! We like gifs showing cats falling in water and freaking out. 

Besides, that isn't a valid argument because every store every where has been advertising it. So unless you are going to tell me you are a home bound agoraphobe, with no internet access, I call LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!

Whatever.

None of your lies matter. What does matter is that for the people in this house, (and for the purposes of this blog the most important people) school is starting back up. 

School supplies have been ordered. Normally a nightmare that I pawn off on the husband. Not this year though. I braved the stores, the lines, the crowds, the complaining, the fits over folders not coming in blue and took care of everything.

At least that is the story I'm telling everyone. The truth is it took 3 minutes.

Yup. That isn't even an exaggeration. 

Both the kid's schools uploaded their school lists to the local Target and all I had to do was find them on the website. 

Three minutes. 

Less than 200 seconds.

Less time than it takes to tie shoes.

Seriously!! I was so giddy I didn't even know what to do with myself.

SHHHHHHHHHH

So yeah it was super easy thanks to the fact that everything is linked in cyberspace and sure every time the internet makes something easier it means some tiny piece of my private life is now available for strangers but who cares?

School shopping is done. Now I just need to enforce a regular bedtime. Preferably at least a few days before school actually starts.

Let's be honest though. THAT AIN'T HAPPENING.

Preschool: year 3

So I'm a preschool teacher. I've mentioned that before. Last year I managed to avoid the sophomore slump and get the loudest cheers at graduation.

This year though, I was worried about criers. 

I love 4 year olds. They are smart and funny and fun and we play with crayons and play dough and dress up. There are swings and slides and nature walks. It's basically the coolest job ever. Plus I get to indulge in my superhero t shirt obsession. 

The problem is that none of that fun stuff can happen until they get to know me and not miss their moms so much. 

Sometimes that takes a few minutes and sometimes it takes a few days. For the littler guys it can take weeks. Although it feels much longer when they won't stop crying. Poor babies.

This year my new kiddos walked right in and got down to the business of having fun. No tears. No crying. Nothing but smiles. It was epic.

I'm hoping it was a sign of how our year together is going to go and not a "things can only get worse" situation.

The Name Game

It's summertime. That wonderful, magical time that we look forward to all year right up until it happens then we complain how bored we are unless we have seven friends over every day.

Magical I tell you!

Don't look directly at it. That dangerous!

 We have some regularly scheduled stuff during the week, Krav Maga, gymnastics, music, the gym. Nothing that can't be moved around to indulge in some quality pool time though.

That is a good thing because we love the sun. By 'we' I mean 'I'. I love the sun so much! Give me a book and a beach towel and I am a happy girl.

My happy place!

Today though the kids were taking turns annoying each other. It's gotten to the point where I would rather they call each other not nice things because they are making me hate the names I chose for them and it wasn't an easy choice.

We put some effort into making sure neither of them had the same name as ten other kids or a confusing name with a weird spelling or something that rhymed with fart or butt-hole.

Kids are cruel and you need to think about the 9 year old jerks when you are naming your sweet baby. (I guess there are other more practical things to consider too but you have to have priorities.)

Colin was the result of a popularity contest. Triple S wanted Connor but according to the Social Security website it was more popular than Colin so I won out.

Natalie was another story entirely.  We had such a hard time picking with her. She was going to be Riley right up until the week before she was born. Then in a fit of insane pregnancy hormones I freaked out because I felt like there were Rileys every where. So I changed my mind. I say I because Triple S didn't say anything. If he thought I was insane he choose to remain silent and go with the flow.

Thank god we didn't have anything monogrammed. That would have been an expensive hormonal freak out.

So now if they could just stop whining at each other about everything I could remember how much I loved their names.

It's Summer! and Frogs pee.

Summer had officially started in our house.

For us that means the kids are out of school and I'm not working. (This teacher thing is AWESOME!)

I'm not going to bore you with our exciting plans this year. I'm not that evil and they're not that exciting.

Instead I want to bore you with stories about my kids. I meant regale. Yeah regale. That's a fancy word!

Today we went to the pool. (see exciting.)

In the span of a few hours my kids talked to everyone. I mean everyone. They don't care how old you are, what you look like, if you are trying to sleep. They will tell you who they are, how old they are, where they were yesterday. Random details about their lives.

The funniest one today was about peeing frogs.

WHAT? That's weird right?


So the pool attracts frogs. The kids find them in the filters and pull them out. Releasing them into the wild while I sing Born Free, (as free as the wind freeeeeeeeee).

Some teenage girls were not as keen to touch them as my kids and there was some squealing as Natalie walked by to release the 4th frog she had found.

Laughing she smiled at them. "Once a frog peed on my mom." She must have thought the subsequent looks were strange as she thought that was one of the coolest things to ever happen.

They didn't.The glanced at me with nervous eyes like frog pee might be contagious.



In total they found 10 frogs today. Colin and Natalie took turns naming them.

See, frog pee and awesome kids.

You should regale your friends with this story.

My Last Day.

I was going to call this I Survived but apparently I already said that when I was talking about that Crazy Race and that isn't what I'm talking about now.

Now I'm talking about Preschool.

Today was the last day for my little ones.

Tomorrow night they graduate, then they will spend the summer making their parents insane before they head off to kindergarten.

I've learned a few things along the way and I wanted to share them with you in case anyone ever offers you a group of young minds to mold. I mean teach. I totally meant teach. Not mold. That would be weird.

1. Stockpiling is a necessity when it comes to red paint and glue sticks. Hoard them like they are the only weapon that will work against the zombies.

2. Snot is sticky. You might already know this but it needs repeating.

3. Whining is contagious like Ebola. You need to stop it at patient zero or it can turn into an epidemic.

4. Structure is great but you need to go with the flow sometimes and that might mean your perfectly cut craft turns into a fairy unicorn instead of the horse and carriage you found on pintrest.

5. Kids can be frustrating beyond words.

6. Kids can be insanely funny, sweet, kind and insightful.

7. Yesterday was the most exciting day ever. Or it's hard for four year olds to grasp the concept of time.

 8. Mom's cry over their babies big moments. Some times it's my fault, some times it's not. Either way you have to comfort them.

9. Adding dots to letters is fancy. 

Now I don't remember anything about being in Preschool personally. I know it was in a church in Queens but I don't remember any classmates or teachers. I don't remember what color the walls were or what songs we sang at circle time.

I'm not so vain as to think I have somehow changed their lives but I hope I gave them a good start so that one day when they meet that teacher that they remember forever it's for all the right reasons.

For me it was Mrs. Hall. She taught 3rd grade and I remember sitting in her class and learning how to fold an origami swan. I know she taught me about the states and multiplication and a thousand other things but that one moment I remember like it was yesterday.

If you've ever sat in a boring meeting with me than you know I can still do it. I can still fold that perfect swan 30 years later.  

I Could Take Him

A statement I make on a regular basis. Probably more than once a day depending on how many people I encounter.

Seriously. It's a problem. I look around a room sometimes and I think about who is the first person I need to eliminate if a giant bar fight breaks out.

This is of course a little ridiculous as I spend most of my time either at the Preschool where I work or my kid's school. It's unlikely a massive, no holds barred, ladder and chairs match is going to break out.

Doesn't mean I don't think about it.

At this point I'm sure you are questioning my sanity. First, stop judging! Second, pretty sure I told you I was crazy up front.

None of that is the point.

Today some guys from a local Karate School came in and gave a lecture about anti bullying. They did a pretty good job but that still isn't the point.

I count take them.

I could totally take them.

I mean I would have had to leap over a bunch of under fours but I could totally take them.




That's not too crazy right?

Sweet. Thanks you guys. I'm feeling more normal already.




PS I just re read this before I posted it. I do that because I am an awful speller and my typing isn't much better. Plus I can't pull my usual and blame it on auto correct.

Not the point. I seem to be easily distracted today.

This post reads like a "how to" essay on surviving prison.

I should sign off now. Maybe I should take a quick web MD quiz to check my sanity level?


PPS I made this today.



Stupid Hobby Lobby! Stupid Internet!

AWESOME DR WHO

Natalie is AWESOME.

Sometimes my daughter is so awesome it hurts.

She doesn't want some borderline creepy costume for Halloween. No fishnets or glitter or pink hair.

None of that for my princess.

Are you afraid?

She wants to be a scary werewolf.

I hope she never wants to be like the other girls. Different is so much more interesting.



Oh yeah and she draws Daleks on our chalk board.

Exterminate!

PS

in case anyone is wondering if I play favorites Colin is also awesome. He actually chose to read a book this morning on the car ride to school instead of playing his DS. (If you don't know what that is I'm very very jealous.)

A book people! Now mind you it was called Captain Underpants but he was still reading it!

best kids EVER.

Chuck Norris helped me be a better mom

If you are a fan of this blog then you know I love all things Chuck Norris.

Seriously. The guy is better than a super hero in my book.

That's got to  hurt.

To that end TripleS made me a Chuck Norris t shirt, of course the kids got one too.


When I was tucking Colin into bed the other night he asked me if Chuck Norris liked to fight. My first thought was hell yeah but then I remembered that my son is an impressionable 8 year old and maybe telling him that fighting is cool isn't the best parenting move ever.

So I paused for a moment thinking of a good way to explain it.

I settled on something akin to the spider man speech. With great power comes great responsibility.
I told him that while Chuck Norris is awesome, he only fights when he has no other choice. When someone is in trouble or when bullies are trying to hurt the weak.

Colin "just like Superman"

Me "yeah but without the flying."

Colin "kicking is cooler than flying"

My inner ninja rejoiced because hell yeah kicking is cooler than flying. Now if I could just convince him to sign up for karate with me.

Some of you might be thinking, hey what about Natalie? Girls can kick but too.
Hello? Cynthia Rothrock!

fire makes everything more BA

To that I say I'm working on it. Right now she is all about dancing, seriously how is she even my kid?