Showing posts from July, 2013

Red Ants are Satan's Minions

So I live in the South now. It's pretty great. And not just because I live here.

The people are friendly and kind. (Obviously not all of them, but certainly a large percentage.) We get to put our Christmas lights up in shorts, I don't have to worry about driving to work after shoveling 2 feet of snow and parking is ridiculously cheap.

But it's not all rainbows and unicorns.

There are a lot of poisonous snakes. Not compared to Australia, but more than there were in NJ. For the most part I'm not running into them in my yard though so it doesn't really affect my daily life. The red ants however are not cool! Not cool at all.

They build these ridiculous mounds of awful red clay and when I mow the lawn they get launched into the air where they will inevitable land on me and bite me.

Yeah that's right they bite. I'm no entomologist but for a bug about the size of a grain of rice they have very sharp mouths or stingers? and poison. Or venom, or some other sort of …

Acting: How hard can it be.

Sometimes I'm watching a movie and I think I could act. It can't be that hard right? I mean some of us spend a lot of our time 'acting' already.

That smile you offer the mom at the playground when she tells you about little Bobby winning the spelling bee and speaking french.

The concerned nod you offer the lady at the grocery store who tells you about her knee surgery even though you have no idea who she is and just because she is standing next to you doesn't mean you want her medical history.

The sad face you offer the lady at the gym when she tells you about her fish in pet heaven.

I'm sure you can come up with a thousand examples.

So good job Daniel Day Lewis for acting better than any other guy in 2012.

I would have crushed it as Lincoln and I'm not even a man.

I think this until Netflix suggests 'because I watched this I might like that'.

Today it told me to watch Cross.
Given incredible power by an ancient Celtic Cross. Callan continues to f…

Really? I Mean Really?

What the hell did I just watch?

Did she really just say "I don't need to bring a dude with me."?

I was only half paying attention until that part. I didn't even realize it was only women in the commercial.

Apparently all men know how to negotiate a car price. Maybe that's what they are learning in Sex Ed when they separate the boys and the girls?

I'm not going to say I'm offended by this because that is ludicrous. (The emotion. Not the rapper.) I will say it is shady though. 

There is a shiny new car in my driveway right now that I managed to purchase without any male assistance, unless you count Triple S watching the kids so that I could talk to the sales person without being interrupted every five seconds.

I'm not nice to negotiate with. I know what I want and what I don't want and what I'm willing to pay for it. No amount of shiny nobs or butons can hide a crap engine.

Obviously I have some car related issues. (Like this, or this, and th…

Work Out Till You Drop

Did anyone see that news story about the guy whose kidneys shut down after two days of P90X?

How hard to you have to push yourself to make that happen?

I only wonder because I'm apparently not that insane. When I am working out and it feels like I am going to die I SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. It seems like that's common sense.

So this isn't a real post just a public service announcement.

Push yourself but not to the point of death because that isn't sexy, trust me.

Unless you're a necrophiliac but that's even grosser. (is grosser a word?)

So remember. Drop Dead Gorgeous is an expression, not something we should take literally.