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Showing posts from 2013

100, One Hundred, C

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This is my 100th Blog post.

Who knew I had that much random crap in me to share with the masses?

On TV they make a big deal out of 100 episodes. They pretend it's because the show has lasted so long but really that's the magic number that makes syndication possible.



Syndication is where the real money in TV is. Or so I've been told. It's not like I have my own talk show. Although if someone wants to put that into production I would be %100 percent on board. It would have to be cable though. Sure I'm a preschool teacher but it would be pushing my luck to be on TV during the family hour.

I hear the FCC is pretty hardcore about some words being said on the air.

Back on point.

(Have you ever noticed that I stray from the point A LOT?)

100th post. It's special because 100 is a big number.

Right now 3 of my posts have exactly 100 views. (not sure how many are spambots. It's not my fault that my target demographic is Russian robots.) 123

My most read blog post …

Why did you buy the Turbo Engine?

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I live in the South now but I learned to drive in New York. Practiced in Boston and mastered my skills in New Jersey. (I have parallel parked a Tahoe in Manhattan.!)

I'm not a polite driver. I have a bit of a lead foot. I occasionally treat red lights like a drag strip. Nothing ridiculous, no 128 in a 45. I leave that to the professionals.

I dread any conversation that starts with "I saw you driving the other day."

Of course none of this makes me drive any nicer but at least I know I'm crazy right? That's got to count for something. Seriously. That counts right?

Whatever.

Back on point.

There are a lot of weird things about North Carolina driving. For one the parking lots are confusing and have so many dead ends they all kind of feel like a trap. Another is most drivers refusal to use lanes that will eventually merge.

Do you see the two red arrows? The inside lane ends in about 1000 feet. There will be 30 cars lined up on the outside lane and no one will use the…

Black Friday is Fun for Crazy People.

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One of the best things ever happened on Black Friday.

Technically it was late Turkey Day but there isn't a name for shopping on a national holiday so it stays a Black Friday story.

Yes, I go shopping on this most insane of days. No, I have never fought anyone over a TV or a game station. I've never threatened anyone. Never even seen any of these events.

It's possible that is because I live in the middle of nowhere. It always seems those stories of insanity and homicidal shopping rage occur in much more heavily populated areas but I digress.

The first stop with my shopping wing lady was Target. They had cordoned off the store to create a maze like path to keep the bottle-necking down to a minimum but it meant there was really no room to turn back if you missed something without creating a cart pileup.

Also they had $2 towels. Sure they weren't the softest of towels but I have two small children and my current towels and starting to look a little worn so $2 towels sound…

Traditionalist

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In general I am a holiday traditionalist.

No talk of Turkey until after the costumes.

Christmas music is Never Okay until after the turkey has been cleared away.

I usually don't even start Christmas shopping until Black Friday. Although that has more to do with the sales than the timing. I can be a bit of a procrastinator.

Sadly this year I was forced to break my rules.

Last year you might remember Triple S was gone for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. Great news being he will be home this year. Of course he has to go back to the boat Friday morning.

Now you might be thinking Blah Blah who cares about when he is going to the boat?

But I have a point to this boring information.

Today we went tree shopping and if you are going to go tree shopping then you need to have Christmas music. It's the law and it trumps the rule of Thanksgiving.

You might remember last year we got a GIANT tree. Sadly though, we moved and our new house doesn't have that ridiculous ceiling. (YEAH!!) S…

Applesauce is why Triple S is my Perfect Match

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reader-Do you try and make your titles confusing?

me-That doesn't sound like something I'd do.

reader-Are you sure because sometimes we feel like you are just messing with us? I mean what does applesauce have to do with your husband? Wait, maybe this isn't a question we want answered?

Relax. You people have such dirty minds (one of the reasons I love you so much). This is a totally PG story. Maybe even G.

New cars now have the digital radios that display the radio station and the song you are listening too. No more having to try and catch the DJ telling you who it is.




 The first time this song came on I was certain it said APPLESAUCE. I thought that was weird but then I noticed it was a Lady Gaga song and well, that lunatic wore a dress made out of meat. When you think about that a song about applesauce doesn't seem that far fetched.

It was a few days before I realized the real name of the song. No harm no foul. Pretty sure Lady Gaga is still a lunatic.

A week later Trip…

Fry Everything!

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I try to eat healthy.

I even like it most of the time. Seriously, I'm a fan of spinach.

I've mentioned in the past though that despite my best intentions, nothing is as good as a brownie.



Today my wonderful family went the Balloon Festival.

It was fun. Although there was this really annoying thing where you had to wait in line to buy tickets before you had to wait in line to use the before mentioned tickets to buy food. But I'm not going to get into that right now because the assbackwardness of it will give me a headache.
After enjoying some delicious grape leaves (see healthy by choice) we watched as all the balloons started to inflate themselves. Triple S had a few tickets left so we decided to indulge but since we only had 5 tickets and I wasn't about to wait in the ticket line again we had a limited selection for our indulgence.

We settled on FRIED BROWNIES. Yeah you read that right. Fried brownies.

That's disgusting! I would never eat that.

Well then you will…

Uniform

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Did you know that I like the Yankees?

Yeah well I do. And not just because they're awesome and I'm awesome so obviously we are a match made in heaven. I've loved them since I can remember.

You remember in the 80's when they were awful? Yeah I still loved them. Of course it's possible I loved them more when they were winning but it's hard to be sure. Plus I don't like to think I'm the kind of person that would feel that way. Totally not cool.

Why are you telling us about your love for a sports team?

Excellent question.

I'm telling you because Triple S was watching his favorite team in the play-offs.

Before you ask it's the Red Sox and no I don't want to talk about it. He can't be perfect.

Now I'm not bitter about the Yankees having a sucktacular season but that doesn't mean I'm about to start enjoying the Red Sox playing. I seriously don't I hate them. Not because they are my favorite team's epic rival but because they …

Epic Teaching

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The awesomest thing ever happened this week at work!

AWESOME I TELL YOU.

Please tell us what it is? We need to know.

Shhhhhhh. Be patient my pretties. All is due time.

We need to know. 

I'm going to tell you, golly. Just CHILL. (Did I just type 'golly'? I need to get out more.)

So as you might remember I teach preschool now. I'm entering my sophomore year and trying to avoid the slump. Testing out new songs and new crafts. I'm going to keep it fresh and make sure those kids love learning.

I do this by being silly and ridiculous. Also by mixing in bits and pieces of my old life.

Everyday we head up the stairs to enjoy the playground and some running around. Little kids are especially fond of this time of day and they have a tendency to rush up said stairs.

We remind them over and over again to go slow and hold the railing.

Yesterday after another round of repetition the tiniest of my charges piped up "One hand for the ship."

Now if you know what that means …

Cause I'm Damaged Goods.

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Right now we are attempting to deal with some tragedy and I do that best by making off color jokes and being obnoxious. Luckily my friends give me wonderful fodder for both.

Triple S jokes that I should always be on your team in any sort of trivia game. I love Jeopardy and Trivial Pursuit. There is a ridiculous amount of random knowledge in my head. Add to my love of weird facts all the random things I've done (for work, for fun and as a volunteer) and it turns me into the person people call with odd questions.

This weeks weird stuff included:

My dog ate a raisin. (They're bad for dogs like chocolate.) A friend with a new pup was panicked because one of her young children dropped a single raisin onto the floor at which point the tiny pup gobbled it up.

Of course the Internet didn't help to calm her fears so I got the call. Luckily I was able to calm her down and the pup is doing fine.

How do I cook pork chops? I provided a few quick ideas, hints to make sure they didn't …

Ruby Slippers

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I love The Wizard of Oz!




I have owned this movie in every form possible. VHS taped from TV, Beta-max, DVD and now Blu-Ray but I've never seen it on the big screen. I'm going to get a chance soon though. It's coming back in IMAX.

I'm going to take my kids. I've made them sit through it at home but it's not the same. Movies are still special on the big screen even if the sound and definition is probably better on the flat-screen in my living room. The popcorn isn't the same.something to do with the butter or the salt?

My love of this movie (and book) caused me to spoil some things about the musical Wicked when I went to see it with some awesome ladies. Which was an amazing musical by the way, made all the more amazing by my level extreme nerd love of all things Oz.


Fun Fact: When Triple S and I sat down to put together our wedding album I wanted all the photos from before the ceremony to be black and white and all the ones after to be in color. I thought it w…

How do I escape the Devil?

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So I moved!!!(More on this later.)

Thanks to some great friends we were able to get everything from the old house all the way (.68 miles) to the new house. I am so lucky and grateful for how awesome everyone has been to us.

Not really surprising though. Based on my level of awesome one could only assume that everyone who would associate with me would be similarly awesome.

Two and a half days of back breaking labor where the only sustenance provided was pizza and beer.

Pizza and Beer you say? I've worked for less? I hear that. But this wasn't Brooklyn pizza. This was North Carolina pizza and although the South has a lot of culinary brilliance to offer pizza isn't one of them.

Back to the subject at hand though.

So as we moved every thing to the new house one wonderful person made sure there was toilet paper in all the bathrooms. She's a detail kind of person and no one wants to worry about if there is TP after carrying my ridiculously large green chair up a flight of sta…

I'm my own worst enemy sometimes

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When I get stressed I have two options. Since I'm me though, it isn't as easy as that.

Option one is I go to the gym and sweat.

Option two is brownies. Although really any chocolate will do.


Since I'm sitting home waiting for a phone call option one is out.....

Damn you sweet tooth!

Damn you straight to hell! 

I try not to self sabotage but sometimes I just really need a brownie!

How come salad doesn't taste like chocolate? Or kale chips? Or some other such healthy treat. And don't start in with your list of substitutes. Sure there is stuff that will curb my sweet tooth on a regular day but nothing tastes as good as a brownie. Nothing.



I need to add to that list before my kids get to be teenagers or I'm going to be pulling a Sisyphus.

Customer Service Roulette

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Have you ever played this game?

It's super fun and not stressful at all. Seriously! I swear. You can trust me.

"How do you play?" (I'll assume this is what you are thinking right now.)

Excellent question.

First step is to have a problem.

"Oh My God! I have one of those right now!" Of course you do. Who doesn't?

Next you dial the 800 number clearly found on your Credit Card/pop tarts box/instruction manual.

Punch 0 over and over again in the hopes that you will get a real person.

Realize that punching 0 disconnects you and then start all over with dialling the number (you can't use redial because of the gratuitous pressing of the number 0)

Actually listen to the robot voice prompts and press the numbers that best describe your problem.

Listen to ridiculous 70's hold music/company promotion/PSA about heart health.

"I love the Bee Gees and I eat Cheerios." See how much fun we are having already?

When a human answers the phone, repeat to them…

Girl's Weekend

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It was a lot more Lord of the Flies than Sisterhood of The Traveling Pants.

So basically, perfect.

So far the awesome ladies from the gym have talked me into some entertaining stuff.

There was the Zumbathon.

The Spartan Race.

The Warrior Dash.

Basically all things that could have killed me. Or at the very least made me extremely tired.  So when the idea of a girls weekend came up I jumped. Who doesn't want to spend the weekend with a bunch of awesome ladies eating and enjoying the view?

I imagined relaxing and movies and maybe a nice walk in the woods. Cake. I was sure there was going to be cake involved somehow.

What I got was 2 spit takes.  How is it possible that these ladies are still shocked by anything I say?

A collaborative dinner. We turned cooking into a team sport like on Iron Chef.

And a 6 mile hike up a GOD DAMN MOUNTAIN!!

Seriously it was straight up. Stone steps placed into the side of the mountain! Plus I was carrying a backpack with water bottles and cell phones and a…

doll tuxedo -ken

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So blogger keeps track of what key word searches lead to visits to your blog. (cool right?)

Most of mine are pretty boring.

The Real VD

Citric Acid

Zumba

Doctor Who

All things that make sense based on the crazy stuff I've written about.

This week however some typed doll tuxedo -ken into the google window and somehow ended up at this blog.

I just tried to recreate what they may have been looking for. I tried to get into their mind like I was some kind of Internet profiler. Tried to imagine what sort of person might need Ken to wear a Tuxedo.

I quickly stopped that though because it got really scary. Seriously, nightmare inducing.

The only thing scarier than the google search results are the google image search results.



I'm going to go watch cat videos on YouTube to cleanse my Internet pallate.


12th Doctor

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In one hour the BBC will air a live special to reveal the new doctor. I CAN'T WAIT!

Seriously. I am so excited.

It's just a TV show you say.

SHUT UP.

It isn't just a TV show. It's pure awesome distilled into an hour long format.

I'm not the only one though.

If you Google '12th Doctor' right now you will get a scary number of in depth speculations and wild guesses.

People are also freaky good at photoshop too.

I don't want to talk about real predictions or the fact that Vegas Bookies have actual odds. Let's just chat about this awesomesauce!

 35 minutes and counting.

I only need to distract myself a little longer.

Anyone know a good book?

Red Ants are Satan's Minions

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So I live in the South now. It's pretty great. And not just because I live here.

The people are friendly and kind. (Obviously not all of them, but certainly a large percentage.) We get to put our Christmas lights up in shorts, I don't have to worry about driving to work after shoveling 2 feet of snow and parking is ridiculously cheap.

But it's not all rainbows and unicorns.


There are a lot of poisonous snakes. Not compared to Australia, but more than there were in NJ. For the most part I'm not running into them in my yard though so it doesn't really affect my daily life. The red ants however are not cool! Not cool at all.

They build these ridiculous mounds of awful red clay and when I mow the lawn they get launched into the air where they will inevitable land on me and bite me.

Yeah that's right they bite. I'm no entomologist but for a bug about the size of a grain of rice they have very sharp mouths or stingers? and poison. Or venom, or some other sort of …

Acting: How hard can it be.

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Sometimes I'm watching a movie and I think I could act. It can't be that hard right? I mean some of us spend a lot of our time 'acting' already.

That smile you offer the mom at the playground when she tells you about little Bobby winning the spelling bee and speaking french.

The concerned nod you offer the lady at the grocery store who tells you about her knee surgery even though you have no idea who she is and just because she is standing next to you doesn't mean you want her medical history.

The sad face you offer the lady at the gym when she tells you about her fish in pet heaven.

I'm sure you can come up with a thousand examples.

So good job Daniel Day Lewis for acting better than any other guy in 2012.

I would have crushed it as Lincoln and I'm not even a man.

I think this until Netflix suggests 'because I watched this I might like that'.

Today it told me to watch Cross.
Given incredible power by an ancient Celtic Cross. Callan continues to f…

Really? I Mean Really?

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What the hell did I just watch?


Did she really just say "I don't need to bring a dude with me."?

I was only half paying attention until that part. I didn't even realize it was only women in the commercial.

Apparently all men know how to negotiate a car price. Maybe that's what they are learning in Sex Ed when they separate the boys and the girls?

I'm not going to say I'm offended by this because that is ludicrous. (The emotion. Not the rapper.) I will say it is shady though. 

There is a shiny new car in my driveway right now that I managed to purchase without any male assistance, unless you count Triple S watching the kids so that I could talk to the sales person without being interrupted every five seconds.

I'm not nice to negotiate with. I know what I want and what I don't want and what I'm willing to pay for it. No amount of shiny nobs or butons can hide a crap engine.

Obviously I have some car related issues. (Like this, or this, and th…

Work Out Till You Drop

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Did anyone see that news story about the guy whose kidneys shut down after two days of P90X?

How hard to you have to push yourself to make that happen?

I only wonder because I'm apparently not that insane. When I am working out and it feels like I am going to die I SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. It seems like that's common sense.

So this isn't a real post just a public service announcement.

Push yourself but not to the point of death because that isn't sexy, trust me.

Unless you're a necrophiliac but that's even grosser. (is grosser a word?)

So remember. Drop Dead Gorgeous is an expression, not something we should take literally.

5,000 and 1989

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Unless you all suddenly decide to desert me this post will mean my blog has been visited more than 5,000 times. I'd like to think that was 5,000 people but I know it is probably only about 50 people checking back sporadically and a bunch of spam bots.

In this momentous post you are going to get two random things.

One.

Part of the awesomeness of not drinking is I don't fear the police.

Out to dinner with some Gym Rats the other night we were called into the parking lot because hooligans had broken into one of our ladies cars and stolen her gym bag.

I won't go into why this was an epically stupid idea. Is there a black market for smelly sneakers and sweaty towels?

It was obvious from the police man's questions and the time of night that while the officer was trying to investigate the crime he was also trying to make sure anyone that was going to be driving could do so safely.

In case you weren't aware I'm pretty obnoxious. I don't turn this off in the presen…

I Got Nothing

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Really nothing. But I've never let that stop me before so here we go.

Random thoughts are about to spew forth from my head.

As soon as I can think of something random.

I tried trolling the blog idea sites but they aren't really up my alley.

Does anyone come here for product reviews? I don't think so.

How about my political opinion? Yup, that's what I thought.

Want to hear a list of things I love? Didn't I already do that?

This is what Summer does to you. It's all, stay up late and veg at the pool. There is no intelligent conversation or problem solving. Unless you count what's for dinner. (I don't)

I need a book. Something that isn't Twillight. UGH! Seriously I read them all, cover to cover and still hated them.

I could go on for days about why I hated those books so much. At one point I was praying for Bella to die. Or at the very least be struck mute so I wouldn't have to listen to her complain anymore. 'oh I love this guy but I'm goin…

Father's Day, Batman's Least Favorite Holiday

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It's Father's Day.

So far the kids have made Triple S bacon and eggs, bacon sandwiches and bacon cupcakes. (Okay we didn't make the last one but I thought about it.)

He was given presents of golf balls and Zombie books. You know, the usual presents dads ask for on their day. Now he is sitting on the couch playing Modern Warfare with Colin. (it might be World at War or some other such shooting game. I can't tell them apart.)

Basically it is a perfect Father's day.

That, of course, isn't what this post is about though because that would be normal and I'm a lot of things, but normal isn't one of them.

This post is about superheroes.

Man of Steel is out this weekend so it seemed appropriate.

I'm thinking about becoming a superhero. Like Batman without the billions or maybe Hawkeye (I have recently learned to shoot a bow.). There's also Spiderman, Green Lantern, Superman, Luke Skywalker, Hit Girl, Captain Kirk. I'm sure I could go on for quite s…

I love you Internet. You too History!

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I have no words for how awesome this is.




Would it be weird to get this framed and put it in my office? Because I want to. Vintage is big right now, right? That's what I keep hearing and this is certainly vintage. Plus it has a boat so it would totally fit in with the rest of the house.

What about this one? Not quite as vague. Certainly gets the point across.

Does VD make you green? Is that what was wrong with the wicked witch? Maybe this is just talking about actual gambling. I do have a mean poker face.


This is the best double entendre ever! More so because I am always loaded and a hell of a shot if I do say so myself. I really feel like they made these posters just for me.

War propaganda isn't usually this cool.

I'm going to talk to Triple S but I can't see any scenario where these don't end up on the office walls.




Okay just more more because I can't help myself. And PS there is plenty of medicine for regret although maybe it didn't exist during WWII?


  …

CAbi (now I know what it stands for)

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Last night I went to one of those home shows. You know, like a Tupperware party only for nice clothes.

They were seriously nice.

Classy even.

The consultant did a great job showing us all the pieces and putting them together in different ways while we made her job a challenge by calling out obnoxious things about the names or the sizes. (seriously there was a pair of jeans called the "baby boot" and a shirt called "keys please" it had keys on it.)

Before I continue and my snark comes out in full force I want to say how great almost everything was. (Except for the fuzzy vest. But hey, they can't all be winners.)



 Seriously if I was richer, skinnier, cooler, (insert your own excuse) I would have bought a lot of stuff.

As is usually the case with woman and wine we got louder and louder as the night went on. Niceties went out the window and everyone was some form of street walker. Or lady of the night, if your prefer. 

I tried on anything and everything I could s…