Hello Internet

Hello Internet

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

100, One Hundred, C


This is my 100th Blog post.

Who knew I had that much random crap in me to share with the masses?

On TV they make a big deal out of 100 episodes. They pretend it's because the show has lasted so long but really that's the magic number that makes syndication possible.
 



Syndication is where the real money in TV is. Or so I've been told. It's not like I have my own talk show. Although if someone wants to put that into production I would be %100 percent on board. It would have to be cable though. Sure I'm a preschool teacher but it would be pushing my luck to be on TV during the family hour.

I hear the FCC is pretty hardcore about some words being said on the air.

Back on point.

(Have you ever noticed that I stray from the point A LOT?)

100th post. It's special because 100 is a big number.

Right now 3 of my posts have exactly 100 views. (not sure how many are spambots. It's not my fault that my target demographic is Russian robots.) 1 2 3

My most read blog post to date is about Me and Captain Phillips.

My least read is taking the kids to see Big Time Rush. (We did make is back from the Wedding in time although it was the night before Natalie's first day of Kindergarten, I'm sure she had a great first day. Only babies need more than 6 hours of sleep.)


FB is still the main way people get here despite my Twitter/instragram/email campaign!!! I can't afford a Superbowl commercial people. Help me out.

It is also the only way people comment!!! Don't you want to comment directly on my blog that way strangers think I'm more popular that I am? Seriously Please! Comment on my blog, it brings me such joy. Don't you want to bring me joy?


The weirdest way someone found my blog was Tuxedo Ken doll. SCARY!
This week though, someone arrived here by typing "everything with fries blog", is that a real thing? Does someone write about about having fries with everything? Because that is genius!



So for my 100th post I have nothing new for you. Just recycled crap which is perfect because it is the
end of the year and everyone else is doing "year in review" crap so why not me too?

Because they actually have exciting things to recap. (you can shut up now voice in my head!)




Bonus points to anyone that knew C was the roman numeral for 100.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Why did you buy the Turbo Engine?

I live in the South now but I learned to drive in New York. Practiced in Boston and mastered my skills in New Jersey. (I have parallel parked a Tahoe in Manhattan.!)

I'm not a polite driver. I have a bit of a lead foot. I occasionally treat red lights like a drag strip. Nothing ridiculous, no 128 in a 45. I leave that to the professionals.

I dread any conversation that starts with "I saw you driving the other day."

Of course none of this makes me drive any nicer but at least I know I'm crazy right? That's got to count for something. Seriously. That counts right?

Whatever.

Back on point.

There are a lot of weird things about North Carolina driving. For one the parking lots are confusing and have so many dead ends they all kind of feel like a trap. Another is most drivers refusal to use lanes that will eventually merge.

Do you see the two red arrows? The inside lane ends in about 1000 feet. There will be 30 cars lined up on the outside lane and no one will use the inside lane. I routinely use this lane and pass 30 cars. It feels shady but there is a reason that lane is there.
There is even a sign specifically for this. All 50 states use it.

It's called a merge. Seriously.

That isn't what this is about though.

You know how they say your children learn from what you do not what you say?

Yeah well....

Colin was in the car with me and we were at the above pictured intersection. Of course I was in the merge lane. There was however, one car in front of me. When the light turned green the car proceeded to go but very slowly.

I happened to notice that she had purchased the turbo version of her car and I might have commented that is was a waste as the car was going so slow.

Colin was of course curious as to what a turbo was.

Being the good Mom that I am I explained to him what the difference between a normal engine and a turbo charged engine was.

He thought about it for a moment before turning to me.

Colin -"We have the turbo, don't we Mom?"

Me -"Heck yeah we do buddy."

This is probably why Triple S has said he will be the one teaching the kids to drive.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Black Friday is Fun for Crazy People.

One of the best things ever happened on Black Friday.

Technically it was late Turkey Day but there isn't a name for shopping on a national holiday so it stays a Black Friday story.

Yes, I go shopping on this most insane of days. No, I have never fought anyone over a TV or a game station. I've never threatened anyone. Never even seen any of these events.

It's possible that is because I live in the middle of nowhere. It always seems those stories of insanity and homicidal shopping rage occur in much more heavily populated areas but I digress.
These are pics I found online because I was too busy trying to make sure my cart didn't run over any one's toes but it is an accurate representation.

The first stop with my shopping wing lady was Target. They had cordoned off the store to create a maze like path to keep the bottle-necking down to a minimum but it meant there was really no room to turn back if you missed something without creating a cart pileup.

Also they had $2 towels. Sure they weren't the softest of towels but I have two small children and my current towels and starting to look a little worn so $2 towels sounded like a great deal.
More online photos. There was a line like this outside of Target.

As I leaned over the GIANT bin of towels to grab a few in the colors I liked a friend came rushing over and grabbed the towel out of my hand. She screamed nice and loud and I responded in kind. Yelling at her but stopping short of name calling.

It was one of those times I wished I was being followed by a camera crew because the faces on the ladies around us were priceless.

The store was crawling with police so we didn't continue our amusing improv show. Instead choosing to hug and wish each other a merry Holiday and bon shopping.
Everyone wants $3 slippers.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Traditionalist

In general I am a holiday traditionalist.

No talk of Turkey until after the costumes.

Christmas music is Never Okay until after the turkey has been cleared away.

I usually don't even start Christmas shopping until Black Friday. Although that has more to do with the sales than the timing. I can be a bit of a procrastinator.

Sadly this year I was forced to break my rules.

Last year you might remember Triple S was gone for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. Great news being he will be home this year. Of course he has to go back to the boat Friday morning.

Now you might be thinking Blah Blah who cares about when he is going to the boat?

But I have a point to this boring information.

Today we went tree shopping and if you are going to go tree shopping then you need to have Christmas music. It's the law and it trumps the rule of Thanksgiving.

You might remember last year we got a GIANT tree. Sadly though, we moved and our new house doesn't have that ridiculous ceiling. (YEAH!!) So instead of getting a giant tree I got two. That seemed like the only logical solution to the ridiculous amount of ornaments I've collected over the years.

Downstairs Tree

Upstairs Tree

So Christmas started a bit early here.

Now I have to go write down my Black Friday shopping list. Yeah, I wake up early and brave the crowds. As if you needed more examples of my crazy.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Applesauce is why Triple S is my Perfect Match

reader-Do you try and make your titles confusing?

me-That doesn't sound like something I'd do.

reader-Are you sure because sometimes we feel like you are just messing with us? I mean what does applesauce have to do with your husband? Wait, maybe this isn't a question we want answered?

Relax. You people have such dirty minds (one of the reasons I love you so much). This is a totally PG story. Maybe even G.

New cars now have the digital radios that display the radio station and the song you are listening too. No more having to try and catch the DJ telling you who it is.



Sorry but I had to enlist an outside photographer as I was driving and although there are no celebrities telling me not to take pics and drive I'm still pretty sure it's unsafe. Possibly even illegal.

 The first time this song came on I was certain it said APPLESAUCE. I thought that was weird but then I noticed it was a Lady Gaga song and well, that lunatic wore a dress made out of meat. When you think about that a song about applesauce doesn't seem that far fetched.

It was a few days before I realized the real name of the song. No harm no foul. Pretty sure Lady Gaga is still a lunatic.

A week later Triple S and I were in the car together and the song came on again.

Triple S-Lady Gaga loves applesauce?

Me- What?

Triple S-She wrote a song about applesauce.

I laughed and laughed and laughed. Then I explained to him how this proved he was my soul mate.


 

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Fry Everything!

I try to eat healthy.

I even like it most of the time. Seriously, I'm a fan of spinach.

I've mentioned in the past though that despite my best intentions, nothing is as good as a brownie.



Today my wonderful family went the Balloon Festival.

It was a rainbow explosion.
It was fun. Although there was this really annoying thing where you had to wait in line to buy tickets before you had to wait in line to use the before mentioned tickets to buy food. But I'm not going to get into that right now because the assbackwardness of it will give me a headache.
The launching of the Balloons. Rudderless flying machines.
After enjoying some delicious grape leaves (see healthy by choice) we watched as all the balloons started to inflate themselves. Triple S had a few tickets left so we decided to indulge but since we only had 5 tickets and I wasn't about to wait in the ticket line again we had a limited selection for our indulgence.

We settled on FRIED BROWNIES. Yeah you read that right. Fried brownies.

That's disgusting! I would never eat that.

Well then you will be missing out on the closest thing to ambrosia us mere humans can have. Seriously I think I saw Apollo in line in front of me. Or it could have been Hermes.
Placing bets on who would launch next.
Based on this experience I'm going to take out my fryer and everything is going into it. Seriously. Everything. I'll let you know how my experiments go.

PS Please note that the nerd in my couldn't resist using Greek gods after eating Greek food. Yeah, I'm really that insane.

PPS it took 2 FULL HOURS to get out of the parking lot. I love you NC but you people seriously need to nut up and merge! Stop being so dam nice and get your car out there.
I love these ridiculous little monsters.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Uniform

Did you know that I like the Yankees?

Yeah well I do. And not just because they're awesome and I'm awesome so obviously we are a match made in heaven. I've loved them since I can remember.

You remember in the 80's when they were awful? Yeah I still loved them. Of course it's possible I loved them more when they were winning but it's hard to be sure. Plus I don't like to think I'm the kind of person that would feel that way. Totally not cool.

Why are you telling us about your love for a sports team?

Excellent question.

I'm telling you because Triple S was watching his favorite team in the play-offs.

Before you ask it's the Red Sox and no I don't want to talk about it. He can't be perfect.

Now I'm not bitter about the Yankees having a sucktacular season but that doesn't mean I'm about to start enjoying the Red Sox playing. I seriously don't I hate them. Not because they are my favorite team's epic rival but because they don't understand word definitions.

That's a weird reason to hate a team.

Yeah it is. Still it's is a reason.

uniform








1.identical or consistent, as from example to example, place to place, or moment to moment: uniform spelling; a uniform building code.
2.without variations in detail: uniform output; a uniform surface.
3.constant; unvarying; undeviating: uniform kindness; uniform velocity.
4.constituting part of a uniform: to be issued uniform shoes.
5.Mathematics . occurring in a manner independent of some variable, parameter, function, etc.: a uniform bound.

I want you to concentrate on definition #1.
Short pants and a scruffy beard. NO!

Long pants and another beard! NO NO!

Please read above again. It's called a uniform for a reason. And it isn't just because they liked the way the word sounded. 

Did you know Steinbrenner had a dress code? or a hair cut code? Not sure what he called it. 






Yeah. George did that. After the Red Sox won the world series they did spots on lots of TV shows including a makeover one. A few of the players got haircuts and new wardrobes but they were not allowed to touch Johnny Damon's hair. Of course all that changed after he joined the Yankees.

So I don't care if it's no shave November even though it's October. Get a haircut you Hippies! You're on a team, you can express your individuality after you choke and the season is over.




Saturday, October 5, 2013

Epic Teaching

The awesomest thing ever happened this week at work!

AWESOME I TELL YOU.

Please tell us what it is? We need to know.

Shhhhhhh. Be patient my pretties. All is due time.

We need to know. 

I'm going to tell you, golly. Just CHILL. (Did I just type 'golly'? I need to get out more.)

So as you might remember I teach preschool now. I'm entering my sophomore year and trying to avoid the slump. Testing out new songs and new crafts. I'm going to keep it fresh and make sure those kids love learning.

I do this by being silly and ridiculous. Also by mixing in bits and pieces of my old life.

Everyday we head up the stairs to enjoy the playground and some running around. Little kids are especially fond of this time of day and they have a tendency to rush up said stairs.

We remind them over and over again to go slow and hold the railing.

Yesterday after another round of repetition the tiniest of my charges piped up "One hand for the ship."

Now if you know what that means you are my kind of people.

If not.......

Ships pitch and roll. They aren't the stablest of platforms so when you are new the saltier souls remind you "one hand for the ship". It means you should always have a free hand in case you need to grab on to a railing quickly. I have borrowed this phrase to remind the kids to hold the railing when we are heading up the stairs.

It's going to get rough. You might want to hold on.

Told you it was EPIC!

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Cause I'm Damaged Goods.

Right now we are attempting to deal with some tragedy and I do that best by making off color jokes and being obnoxious. Luckily my friends give me wonderful fodder for both.

Triple S jokes that I should always be on your team in any sort of trivia game. I love Jeopardy and Trivial Pursuit. There is a ridiculous amount of random knowledge in my head. Add to my love of weird facts all the random things I've done (for work, for fun and as a volunteer) and it turns me into the person people call with odd questions.

 This weeks weird stuff included:

My dog ate a raisin. (They're bad for dogs like chocolate.) A friend with a new pup was panicked because one of her young children dropped a single raisin onto the floor at which point the tiny pup gobbled it up.

Of course the Internet didn't help to calm her fears so I got the call. Luckily I was able to calm her down and the pup is doing fine.

How do I cook pork chops? I provided a few quick ideas, hints to make sure they didn't get dried out. Apparently people were coming over for dinner who don't eat chicken, fish or red meat. (Is that reverse Kosher?)

Then there was the conversation I had with the Starbucks lady about this:

 
Cat Poop Coffee!!! I love fancy coffee but this is a bit too weird for my tastes.
PS it's $45 for 4oz!!!! Consider this against 4oz of Starbucks at $3.50. (That's 4oz of beans not coffee.)

 Strangers seem to assume I know things too. A lady at Dunkin Donuts saw my military ID and proceeded to ask me if it was normal for people in the service to elope. See her daughter had recently married her Marine boyfriend in a quickie service at the courthouse. Mom was very unhappy about missing out on the big day.

Anyone else have weird questions they need answers too? Anything about large mammals? Homeopathic remedies? How to get crayon out of your laundry? I'm here and ready to help you out.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Ruby Slippers

I love The Wizard of Oz!
Follow The Yellow Brick Road.




I have owned this movie in every form possible. VHS taped from TV, Beta-max, DVD and now Blu-Ray but I've never seen it on the big screen. I'm going to get a chance soon though. It's coming back in IMAX.

I'm going to take my kids. I've made them sit through it at home but it's not the same. Movies are still special on the big screen even if the sound and definition is probably better on the flat-screen in my living room. The popcorn isn't the same.something to do with the butter or the salt?

My love of this movie (and book) caused me to spoil some things about the musical Wicked when I went to see it with some awesome ladies. Which was an amazing musical by the way, made all the more amazing by my level extreme nerd love of all things Oz.
The Ruby Slippers aren't really Ruby. They changed them to red for the movie to take advantage of the new color technology. (Good Lord I am a nerd!)


Fun Fact: When Triple S and I sat down to put together our wedding album I wanted all the photos from before the ceremony to be black and white and all the ones after to be in color. I thought it was genius. (This was before Pinterest people.)

Sadly this was also in the days before digital photography and although my photographer used both black and white and color film there wasn't enough of either to make the idea work without leaving out some of my favorite shots. He offered to covert the black and whites but it would be at a steep change as according to him 'it wasn't easy'. I have no idea how accurate that statement is as I'm not a photographer but at the time I had already laid out a pretty penny for my wedding and wasn't willing to increase the number any higher.

I know I'm a paragon of fiscal conservativeness.

So I didn't get my Wizard of Oz homage but I did get Triple S so I guess it was a fair trade.
I have a pair of red shoes but they aren't as cool as these.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

How do I escape the Devil?

So I moved!!!(More on this later.)

Thanks to some great friends we were able to get everything from the old house all the way (.68 miles) to the new house. I am so lucky and grateful for how awesome everyone has been to us.

Not really surprising though. Based on my level of awesome one could only assume that everyone who would associate with me would be similarly awesome.

Two and a half days of back breaking labor where the only sustenance provided was pizza and beer.

Pizza and Beer you say? I've worked for less? I hear that. But this wasn't Brooklyn pizza. This was North Carolina pizza and although the South has a lot of culinary brilliance to offer pizza isn't one of them.

Back to the subject at hand though.

So as we moved every thing to the new house one wonderful person made sure there was toilet paper in all the bathrooms. She's a detail kind of person and no one wants to worry about if there is TP after carrying my ridiculously large green chair up a flight of stairs.

I was thankful to have so many people helping right up until I had to use the bathroom myself.
Dear God In Heaven how did I not know we had a anarchist among us?

I had let her get in close, trusted her, shared my home with her. All the while she was just waiting to set the world on fire. Now I'm in deep and I don't know how to get out.

I need help.

I can't continue to pretend that this okay. I can't keep quiet and just ignore it. Someone has to speak up!!!!


PS Obviously this is sarcasm. To all of my wonderful friends who helped me this past weekend I say thank you a thousand times over. You are truly awesome!

PPS If that door makes you wonder if it's bigger on the inside you are my people.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

I'm my own worst enemy sometimes

When I get stressed I have two options. Since I'm me though, it isn't as easy as that.

Option one is I go to the gym and sweat.

Option two is brownies. Although really any chocolate will do.


Since I'm sitting home waiting for a phone call option one is out.....

Damn you sweet tooth!

Damn you straight to hell! 

I try not to self sabotage but sometimes I just really need a brownie!

How come salad doesn't taste like chocolate? Or kale chips? Or some other such healthy treat. And don't start in with your list of substitutes. Sure there is stuff that will curb my sweet tooth on a regular day but nothing tastes as good as a brownie. Nothing.



Yum?
I feel myself calming already.
I need to add to that list before my kids get to be teenagers or I'm going to be pulling a Sisyphus.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Customer Service Roulette

Have you ever played this game?

It's super fun and not stressful at all. Seriously! I swear. You can trust me.

"How do you play?" (I'll assume this is what you are thinking right now.)

Excellent question.

First step is to have a problem.

 "Oh My God! I have one of those right now!" Of course you do. Who doesn't?

Next you dial the 800 number clearly found on your Credit Card/pop tarts box/instruction manual.

Punch 0 over and over again in the hopes that you will get a real person.

Realize that punching 0 disconnects you and then start all over with dialling the number (you can't use redial because of the gratuitous pressing of the number 0)

Actually listen to the robot voice prompts and press the numbers that best describe your problem.

Listen to ridiculous 70's hold music/company promotion/PSA about heart health.

"I love the Bee Gees and I eat Cheerios." See how much fun we are having already?

When a human answers the phone, repeat to them 5 times all of the information you were previously forced to try and enter via the numbers on your phone.

Explain your problem/missing piece/question.

"I'm sorry ma'am but without paper blah blah blah I just don't see how I can help you."

Now comes the really fun part!!!!

Start all over and hope the next person who answers the phone has a different answer.

"That's ridiculous! and fun." (Again I'm assuming this is what you are thinking.)

I couldn't agree more but I don't make the rules nor did I invent the game so I can't take all the credit for it's awesome powers of calming.

So happy dialing.




Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Girl's Weekend

It was a lot more Lord of the Flies than Sisterhood of The Traveling Pants.

So basically, perfect.

So far the awesome ladies from the gym have talked me into some entertaining stuff.

There was the Zumbathon.
 

The Spartan Race.

The Warrior Dash.

Basically all things that could have killed me. Or at the very least made me extremely tired.  So when the idea of a girls weekend came up I jumped. Who doesn't want to spend the weekend with a bunch of awesome ladies eating and enjoying the view?

I imagined relaxing and movies and maybe a nice walk in the woods. Cake. I was sure there was going to be cake involved somehow.

What I got was 2 spit takes.  How is it possible that these ladies are still shocked by anything I say?

A collaborative dinner. We turned cooking into a team sport like on Iron Chef.

And a 6 mile hike up a GOD DAMN MOUNTAIN!!

Seriously it was straight up. Stone steps placed into the side of the mountain! Plus I was carrying a backpack with water bottles and cell phones and a gun. Apparently there was a chance of running into a bear. This was only going to be possible if that bear was deaf or had been hand raised by humans and was looking for his adopted mother.

Still a chance. Plus it helped lend some credibility to my frequent yelling of:

"I'm loaded for bear."

There was also some other colorful language as it became clear my gentle walk through the woods wasn't going to be quite as gentle as I imagined.


All was forgiven though because there was cake, and steak, and chocolate covered strawberries, and bubbly water, and lots and lots of laughs.

Oh and I got to rewire the DVD player because that's just how I roll.

The ladies are talking about going away to the beach next summer. In my head I'm imaging chilling on the sand with a good book and a cold drink. I think the reality is more closely going to resemble swimming the English channel.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

doll tuxedo -ken

So blogger keeps track of what key word searches lead to visits to your blog. (cool right?)

Most of mine are pretty boring.

The Real VD

Citric Acid

Zumba

Doctor Who

All things that make sense based on the crazy stuff I've written about.

This week however some typed doll tuxedo -ken into the google window and somehow ended up at this blog.

I just tried to recreate what they may have been looking for. I tried to get into their mind like I was some kind of Internet profiler. Tried to imagine what sort of person might need Ken to wear a Tuxedo.

I quickly stopped that though because it got really scary. Seriously, nightmare inducing.

The only thing scarier than the google search results are the google image search results.

What the hell am I looking at?
 Just because you have photoshop doesn't mean you should use it.


I'm going to go watch cat videos on YouTube to cleanse my Internet pallate.


Sunday, August 4, 2013

12th Doctor

In one hour the BBC will air a live special to reveal the new doctor. I CAN'T WAIT!

Seriously. I am so excited.

It's just a TV show you say.

SHUT UP.

It isn't just a TV show. It's pure awesome distilled into an hour long format.

I'm not the only one though.

If you Google '12th Doctor' right now you will get a scary number of in depth speculations and wild guesses.

People are also freaky good at photoshop too.
It's that guy from Lost.

I don't want to talk about real predictions or the fact that Vegas Bookies have actual odds. Let's just chat about this awesomesauce!

It's the ROCK! He is pretty much the definition of "the oncoming storm"
Obviously there is a good chance this would make my brain implode.
Can you say 'Glorious Purpose'?




 35 minutes and counting.

I only need to distract myself a little longer.

Anyone know a good book?

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Red Ants are Satan's Minions

So I live in the South now. It's pretty great. And not just because I live here.

The people are friendly and kind. (Obviously not all of them, but certainly a large percentage.) We get to put our Christmas lights up in shorts, I don't have to worry about driving to work after shoveling 2 feet of snow and parking is ridiculously cheap.

But it's not all rainbows and unicorns.


There are a lot of poisonous snakes. Not compared to Australia, but more than there were in NJ. For the most part I'm not running into them in my yard though so it doesn't really affect my daily life. The red ants however are not cool! Not cool at all.

They build these ridiculous mounds of awful red clay and when I mow the lawn they get launched into the air where they will inevitable land on me and bite me.

Yeah that's right they bite. I'm no entomologist but for a bug about the size of a grain of rice they have very sharp mouths or stingers? and poison. Or venom, or some other sort of bug slime that makes you itch like a leper!

Since we have moved here I have become very well acquainted with their wrath.

None so much as the other day though.

While the kids and I were swimming we left our cooler bag in the shade by our towel. When it was time to leave I went to grab it only to realize the damn thing was swarming with those tiny evil red bastards. I attempted to swat them off first only to realize the futility of my action. So I gave up and tossed the entire bag into the pool. Of course I didn't do this fast enough to avoid the 5 bites from the vicious demons.

They itch sooo much!!!

Also I have no self control so I itch them until they bleed. It isn't pretty.

It did remind me of this one awesome episode of Macguyver where some South American town was overrun with these man eating ants. It was a like a SyFy movie of the week except at one point Macguyver made a boat out of some soda cans and an old sofa (I'm pretty sure that didn't happen but it was a long time ago so who knows. It's not like Macguyver couldn't make a boat out of soda cans and a sofa. He's Macguyver!)

 
Poor Charlie gets eaten by ants. That can't be a good way to go.


So I just checked if Macguyver was on Netflix and you'll be happy to know it is. I'm thinking about starting from Season 1 Episode 1 and reliving all the paperclip bomb defusing and explosions made out of household cleaners and yarn. (Was MacGuyver a bit of a pyro?)

Of course that is after I slather on another coat of anti itch cream so I don't itch my way down the the bone.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Acting: How hard can it be.

Sometimes I'm watching a movie and I think I could act. It can't be that hard right? I mean some of us spend a lot of our time 'acting' already.

That smile you offer the mom at the playground when she tells you about little Bobby winning the spelling bee and speaking french.

The concerned nod you offer the lady at the grocery store who tells you about her knee surgery even though you have no idea who she is and just because she is standing next to you doesn't mean you want her medical history.

The sad face you offer the lady at the gym when she tells you about her fish in pet heaven.

I'm sure you can come up with a thousand examples.

So good job Daniel Day Lewis for acting better than any other guy in 2012.

I would have crushed it as Lincoln and I'm not even a man.

I think this until Netflix suggests 'because I watched this I might like that'.

Today it told me to watch Cross.
Given incredible power by an ancient Celtic Cross. Callan continues to fight evil... Now, joined by a team of weapons experts, Callan battles an unstoppable empire in Los Angeles.





Now I have a slight confession to make.

I love cheesy movies. Especially cheesy hero movies.

The Shadow? Yeah I've watched it more than once.


So sure it looks cheesy but that isn't necessary a bad thing.

I got through 5 minutes. That's it. Opening scene is some dad offering his kid advise about the awesome bling the men in their family pass down. Fastforward 20 years and some lunatic cop is slapping awake a hospitalized teen because she witnessed something epic.

That was it. It was painful. Like high school Shakespeare bad. I punched out and advised Netflix of my displeasure. Lets see what they suggest next?

PS Sharknado is on tonight. I missed it the first time but not tonight! TIVO is all set to record it and we are going to watch it as a family. I will train my children in the art of MST3K.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Really? I Mean Really?

What the hell did I just watch?


Did she really just say "I don't need to bring a dude with me."?

I was only half paying attention until that part. I didn't even realize it was only women in the commercial.

Apparently all men know how to negotiate a car price. Maybe that's what they are learning in Sex Ed when they separate the boys and the girls?

I'm not going to say I'm offended by this because that is ludicrous. (The emotion. Not the rapper.) I will say it is shady though. 

There is a shiny new car in my driveway right now that I managed to purchase without any male assistance, unless you count Triple S watching the kids so that I could talk to the sales person without being interrupted every five seconds.

I'm not nice to negotiate with. I know what I want and what I don't want and what I'm willing to pay for it. No amount of shiny nobs or butons can hide a crap engine.

Obviously I have some car related issues. (Like this, or this, and this.) So I guess I should just be glad I don't need a dude to come with me for any of them?

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Work Out Till You Drop

Did anyone see that news story about the guy whose kidneys shut down after two days of P90X?
Matt and his girlfriend (via College Spun, http://aka.ms/p90x-hard)
I like how concerned his girlfriend is.

How hard to you have to push yourself to make that happen?

I only wonder because I'm apparently not that insane. When I am working out and it feels like I am going to die I SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. It seems like that's common sense.

So this isn't a real post just a public service announcement.

Push yourself but not to the point of death because that isn't sexy, trust me.

Unless you're a necrophiliac but that's even grosser. (is grosser a word?)

So remember. Drop Dead Gorgeous is an expression, not something we should take literally.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

5,000 and 1989

Unless you all suddenly decide to desert me this post will mean my blog has been visited more than 5,000 times. I'd like to think that was 5,000 people but I know it is probably only about 50 people checking back sporadically and a bunch of spam bots.

In this momentous post you are going to get two random things.

One.

Part of the awesomeness of not drinking is I don't fear the police.

Out to dinner with some Gym Rats the other night we were called into the parking lot because hooligans had broken into one of our ladies cars and stolen her gym bag.

I won't go into why this was an epically stupid idea. Is there a black market for smelly sneakers and sweaty towels?

It was obvious from the police man's questions and the time of night that while the officer was trying to investigate the crime he was also trying to make sure anyone that was going to be driving could do so safely.

In case you weren't aware I'm pretty obnoxious. I don't turn this off in the presence of the law because I never have anything to fear.

Side note: As responsible adults there were enough DD's to take care of anyone that wanted to indulge.


If you've had one drink you tend to behave in front of the police because while you know you are under the limit you never want to push your luck.  I don't care. I make jokes and laugh loudly. I even tripped over my own shoes. (Not intentionally I'm just uncoordinated.)

Should he have deemed me a concern there was no fear on my part that I wouldn't pass a field sobriety test so I got to be me. Over the top. Loud and obnoxious.

IT WAS AWESOME.

Two.

The subject of twitter came up at the above mentioned dinner and I admitted that I tweet. (Even I hate the way that sounds.)

I was told I needed to follow Richard Marx. You remember him. Singer from the 80's.

So I checked him out and hit the big green follow button. Then this awesomeness happened.



If this was 1989 I would be fangirl freaking out. It's still pretty awesome in 2013.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

I Got Nothing

Really nothing. But I've never let that stop me before so here we go.

Random thoughts are about to spew forth from my head.

As soon as I can think of something random.

I tried trolling the blog idea sites but they aren't really up my alley.

Does anyone come here for product reviews? I don't think so.

How about my political opinion? Yup, that's what I thought.

Want to hear a list of things I love? Didn't I already do that?

This is what Summer does to you. It's all, stay up late and veg at the pool. There is no intelligent conversation or problem solving. Unless you count what's for dinner. (I don't)

I need a book. Something that isn't Twillight. UGH! Seriously I read them all, cover to cover and still hated them.

I could go on for days about why I hated those books so much. At one point I was praying for Bella to die. Or at the very least be struck mute so I wouldn't have to listen to her complain anymore. 'oh I love this guy but I'm going to mess with this guy and lead him on and then he's going to be fated to my demon baby.' seriously WTF?


There wasn't even a good sex scene. Just torn up pillows. I read three books and you skip the juicy part? I get why teenage girls loved the books but grown women confuse me.  (today I saw a 40 something woman driving a large SUV with a Twilight sticker on it)

Give me a Sandra Brown or Sherrilyn Kenyon any day of the week.



So what we learned today was that when I have nothing else to write about I will bash Twilight. That isn't necessarily a bad thing. Most of the internet spends a good portion of their time doing just that. I guess I'm in good company.


Sunday, June 16, 2013

Father's Day, Batman's Least Favorite Holiday

It's Father's Day.

So far the kids have made Triple S bacon and eggs, bacon sandwiches and bacon cupcakes. (Okay we didn't make the last one but I thought about it.)

He was given presents of golf balls and Zombie books. You know, the usual presents dads ask for on their day. Now he is sitting on the couch playing Modern Warfare with Colin. (it might be World at War or some other such shooting game. I can't tell them apart.)

Basically it is a perfect Father's day.

That, of course, isn't what this post is about though because that would be normal and I'm a lot of things, but normal isn't one of them.

This post is about superheroes.

Man of Steel is out this weekend so it seemed appropriate.

I'm thinking about becoming a superhero. Like Batman without the billions or maybe Hawkeye (I have recently learned to shoot a bow.). There's also Spiderman, Green Lantern, Superman, Luke Skywalker, Hit Girl, Captain Kirk. I'm sure I could go on for quite some time.


Don't cry Batman!


Point being my parents are dead like all of the above mentioned people. (I'm not looking for sympathy. Seriously, don't try it. I get all weird. It confuses me when people are nice. Plus they've been gone for a while.)

I already have crazy ninja skills and I'm a pretty good shot. I just need to practice my roof top running and come up with a cool name and then criminals BEWARE.

Oh and I need a costume. No spandex though, trust me on that!

Based on this I am totally getting a movie. Who wants to be my sidekick?

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

I love you Internet. You too History!

I have no words for how awesome this is.




Would it be weird to get this framed and put it in my office? Because I want to. Vintage is big right now, right? That's what I keep hearing and this is certainly vintage. Plus it has a boat so it would totally fit in with the rest of the house.

What about this one? Not quite as vague. Certainly gets the point across.

Does VD make you green? Is that what was wrong with the wicked witch? Maybe this is just talking about actual gambling. I do have a mean poker face.


This is the best double entendre ever! More so because I am always loaded and a hell of a shot if I do say so myself. I really feel like they made these posters just for me.

War propaganda isn't usually this cool.

I'm going to talk to Triple S but I can't see any scenario where these don't end up on the office walls.




Okay just more more because I can't help myself. And PS there is plenty of medicine for regret although maybe it didn't exist during WWII?





Last but not least a silly story.

I have gone by Ronnie most of my life. Veronica was reserved for a few select family members and filling out paperwork, so when Triple S and I got married I never really thought about what I was doing to myself.

About a month into out union we were sitting with the wedding photographer going over our album. He had numerous samples for us to look at. One had a lovely black cover with the bride and groom's initials engraved.

I liked it immediately and was all set to get it until he started filling out the paperwork. As he put the letters down onto paper he glanced at me. A nervous look on his face, while I realized what I had just agreed to put on my wedding album.

"Never mind. Let's just get the date."

He visibly relaxed and Triple S and I laughed till we cried after the poor man left. Part of me wanted to put the initials on there just to see what he would say. 



Monday, June 10, 2013

CAbi (now I know what it stands for)

Last night I went to one of those home shows. You know, like a Tupperware party only for nice clothes.

They were seriously nice.

Classy even.

The consultant did a great job showing us all the pieces and putting them together in different ways while we made her job a challenge by calling out obnoxious things about the names or the sizes. (seriously there was a pair of jeans called the "baby boot" and a shirt called "keys please" it had keys on it.)

Before I continue and my snark comes out in full force I want to say how great almost everything was. (Except for the fuzzy vest. But hey, they can't all be winners.)
http://www.godammit.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/sonny-and-cher.jpg
To their credit they didn't have the striped pants.



 Seriously if I was richer, skinnier, cooler, (insert your own excuse) I would have bought a lot of stuff.

As is usually the case with woman and wine we got louder and louder as the night went on. Niceties went out the window and everyone was some form of street walker. Or lady of the night, if your prefer. 

I tried on anything and everything I could squeeze into. Some of it looked nice while others ..... Hmm what's the word I'm looking for?

Redonkulous. Thank you Urban Dictionary.

I might have mentioned that I am exercising and trying to be a healthier person since we moved South. In total I've lost almost 80 pounds, which is awesome. High five for me!


seriously? Does someone need a diagram for this?



That doesn't change the fact that I am a "busty" girl. A real challenge in the dressing department. Some of you might remember the great bathing suit debacle of 2012?

If you too are a "busty" gal then you know there are rules to what you can and cannot where. In general anything with ruffles on the front is bad. It make your big bust look ridiculously large.

I tried to be understanding when the less endowed ladies suggested certain items. I played along and tried them on. In general I think you should never rule out anything until you've tried it on. You really never know. But by the time you are over 30, (cough cough, we don't need to talk about how much over) you should have some sort or general idea on what looks good on you and what doesn't.

I wasn't wrong.

I was however ridiculous. Sorry there will be no photos of my trying on things that I shouldn't have. Although I was fine with having the ladies laugh with me I'm not so confidant as to expose myself to the hundreds (okay dozens) of people that read this blog. Not to mention my Russian followers have very sharp tongues.

One last thing.

I have never been one to buy something based on size. If it fits, great.

This was the first time I wanted to buy a pair of pants just because of the tag. They were too tight, too plaid, and I have absolutely no need for them but they were two sizes smaller than the pants I was wearing.

Two whole sizes!

Apparently despite all my claims to be not normal I have some pretty normal girl moments occasional.

I'm gonna go do something weird to balance this out. Any suggestions?