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Showing posts from 2015

Stop Judging me PHONE!!

So my phone has this built in app that tracks my activity. You can enter your weight and your food and water and basically it will tell you when to put the cookie down and walk around a bit.

It will even track your heart-rate and stress level.

At this point I know you are yelling at me that you aren't a Luddite and you are aware of all the cool things phones can do now. I know. Sorry. Just in case.

This isn't a tech lesson though.

This is the rant of a crazy person who talks to her phone.

You see it tells me when I'm on target to achieve my active minutes. The only problem being that I don't normally have my phone on me while I'm exercising so it inevitable yells at me about how lazy I'm being as I'm walking out of the gym dripping in sweat.

Take this morning. 30 minutes jogging on the god awful treadmill (at a pace a snail would sneer at) and just as I finish wiping up my puddle the dam thing tells me I need to pick up the pace if I'm going to hit my g…

Friend Interview

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No I'm not looking for new friends.

If I were though it would involve a cage match and not an interview. Maybe a singing contest.

I'm talking about me going out with a friend and their friends.

"Don't worry you are going to love them."

"You're going to get along with them great."

Maybe most people believe these statements but I know me. I'm not a regular person. Not normal.

Just because we like the same comedian doesn't mean they will like me.

Notice I just assumed I would like them. Of course. They are friends of a good friend. I trust her judgement. Although I guess that's only a true statement when it isn't about me.

Because I'm a mystery for sure. Not because like everyone else I sometimes question my awesomeness.

Because that would be crazy. Obviously I know I'm awesome. I was just checking to see if you guys were paying attention. Good work. You passed.

It went well I guess. I can be quite impressive when I want to be. A…

Grammar Counts

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I'm sure everyone has seen all the memes about grammar.

How There, Their and They're is crucial to the survival of the human race.



Even BatDad knows the struggle is real.


There is so much stuff dedicated to this on the internet it's hard to avoid it. And yet people still refuse to accept it's importance.

Luckily there are long suffering nerds like myself who aren't afraid to debate the important topics.

Case in point.

Our drill the other night in Krav Maga included this exercise:



We call this Spiderman.

Certainly if you could look down it would appear as if this lady was bitten by a radioactive spider and gained the unnatural ability to climb buildings. Obviously that is why we call it that.

Irrelevant though because why it's called that isn't' what I wanted to talk about. Of course I got distracted by another superhero origin story because that's what nerds do.

Anyway back on target, the person I was doing the drill with and I were trying to decid…

Assumptions

Sexism is obviously a real thing and anyone who has experienced it knows how horrible it can be. I've been lucky enough that all of my experiences have been very minor.

Being a female is hard. Are you sporty or girly? This is the annoying question that my little girl talks about constantly.

WHY?

Why do you have to pick one? Why are we constantly trying to stick women in boxes? Is she tough or soft? Athletic or dramatic? Labels. labels labels.

I'm not a fan. Not at all.

Saying you are or aren't something implies that you can't be something else. It implies you have to act a certain way. Have to fit inside that box.

It's constant.

Tiny little assumptions that force us to either fight against them or conform.

I spend my mornings helping an adorable group of two years old expand their minds and my evenings learning how to get out of a choke hold.

Does that seem odd?

It shouldn't.

I like to use a hot glue gun and a real gun.

If I were a man I'd be called well ro…

Hot Glue and Paint

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Facebook has just informed me that I have been living in my house for 2 years!!! 2 years!!!

That is straight up crazy. 
I've moved a lot. I mean a lot a lot. Like this house is number 15, or maybe 16? I'm getting old so I might be forgetting some places (should I count the times I lived with friends?). This includes all the childhood moves too. As an adult I tried to keep my moving down to a minimum. Probably why we stayed in NJ for as long as we did. (Sorry Triple S)
Whatever. We're here now and it's awesome. 
With moving a lot there are certain things that I always wanted to do right away. Pictures were the biggest thing. I want to start decorating right away too. I feel the need to claim the house as my own. (It's like I'm a dog but with less peeing) Even if I like something there is a part of me that wants to go back to white walls and start over. 
Since this house was new construction everything was "white". Or horrible contractor beige as the ca…

BRRRR it's cold.

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It's happened.

Here in the South the temperature has dropped. And by dropped I mean I can open the windows and begin wearing three quarter pants. Possibly even long sleeves. Certainly not full pants though. It's got to get a lot colder for that level of craziness.

At least for me and anyone else newly relocated to the South from the North.

We don't wear jackets in this family. In fact on the few occasions it has snowed it has been all I can do to get my kids to wear fleece.

Triple S hasn't worn a jacket since we moved here. He's all about the hooded sweatshirts which wreaks havoc on my laundry but that's a story for another day. Apparently he seems to think they are one time use and only about 3 fit in the damn washing machine!

Never mind.

Back to this morning. There were pants and fleece as far as the eye could see at the bus stop. There was panic and fear. There was talk of bread and milk.

OK so that didn't really happen as no one who lives in this neighbo…

Internet BS

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Remember way back when I was concerned about the 4 legged chickens?

Luckily those sad animals seem to have been rescued. Or eaten. I'm not sure since the Internet seems to have lost interest in them.

Don't worry too much about it though because the Internet has something else you should feel bad about.

Danish people are awesome and show serious respect to their elders. 

Not us though. We are horrible and should take a long hard look in the mirror. Or some other soul searching activity. Staring out a window on a rainy day perhaps? Maybe sitting quietly at a coffee shop while you drink you bitter mochachino?



This is the picture that has been popping up all over social media again.

Notice anything amiss? Out of place?

Remember the part where they said this was in Holland? You know. That country that speaks DUTCH!!

Yeah I don't speak any Dutch either but I know they don't call a post office a POST OFFICE!

So of course being the eternally cynical person I am when it comes to…

First Day of School

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Today is the first day of school here.

So far we have one missed bus, one forgotten pair of glasses and some confusion as to where we were going first thing in the morning.





There were backpacks stuffed with pencils and binders and composition books. Not to mention enough tissues and hand sanitizer to prevent the zombie apocalypse.

(I can't imagine why there are crazy super lice)

All in all not a bad beginning to another school year.


Let's see where we stand at the end of the first week.

Hypothesis Test Conclusion

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You know that feeling you get when you think you are reasonably good at something but then you are forced to be judged? That twisting in your gut? That moment when all your self confidence leaves?

Like when you create something and then you put it out into the world to be judged? (not like on YouTube, those people are trolls and they live to be cruel)

Like a blog or something like that?

Actually this isn't about the blog. Although of course the fact that I am writing in the blog means that the above statement isn't true.

That's confusing.

But why should today be any different.

Actually I'm talking about singing.

Have I mentioned before that I do it a lot?

Like all the time. In the house while I'm cooking or cleaning. When I mow the lawn or clean the cars. When I'm painting, or building, or clearing the gutters, or any number of other things. (I seriously do all these things because I'm that good.)

I LOVE music and I'm not sure how anyone gets anything d…

Sleeping (perhaps it's my superpower)

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Did you know I'm am a hateful person?

No?

Hmmm. Triple S thinks so.

Okay, he doesn't think that all the time only when it's bedtime.

Hmmmmm, That could be the beginning of a completely different blog. I'd better clarify.

He thinks I've made a pact with the Devil because I can fall asleep in 30 seconds. Seriously. Doesn't matter what time it is or how tired I am,  I've always been able to pass out like I was shot with a horse tranquilizer. Although I've never tried it I'm convinced I could sleep standing up.

In addition to this fantastic quality I can also sleep through just about anything.

Time for an example.

Triple S is a volunteer at the local fire department and as such he has a pager. Not like one the cool kids had in the 90's. This thing is ridiculously loud and noisy.



For obvious reasons it must be loud. Think about the worst alarm clock you've ever had and magnify it by ten then throw in a howling monkey and one of those internet fam…

3 Hour Tour

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So I've mentioned in the past that I went to Boat College.

Obviously there are so many day to day practical applications when this comes in handy. I'd list them right now but you non boat college graduates would get bored and nobody wants that.

It also leads to request to "captain" someone else's boat. There was talk of this exact thing on one of our girl's night out but as it so happened the weather didn't cooperate and we were forced to drive to the restaurant like common folk.

This time though, mother nature was on our side as I arrived at the dock. There was some conversation about the "finicky" nature of the boat. An explanation of the "tricks" to get it to start.

Sure enough it didn't turn over the first time. As I had never been on this boat before I trusted said owner to advise me on the throttle, clutch and gear shift.

Sadly she was misinformed and that didn't help the situation. Eventually we got it started and headed…

Friendship is Blinding. Like the SUN

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Tonight I got to go to dinner with some of my favorite people in the world and as is usually the case the cell phones came out to take photos.

We like to commemorate our outings with pictures. Regular ones and the super obnoxious selfie kind.

The birthday girl asked for final approval on any photos that might be posted and everyone else chimed in that they wanted the same privilege.

Now this isn't to say these ladies are vain. That is truly not the case but most people like some say so over what goes out into the world to represent themselves.  I chimed in that I didn't care. That everyone should be aware of this based on what I myself would post.

Then a wonderful thing happened. One of my amazing friends said she didn't think I had ever taken a bad photo.

Although we deal in sarcasms and jokes most of the time this was a sincere compliment. It is my opinion that this is much more a statement about our friendship than my extreme photogenicness.

As proof I offer up these fa…

Kryptonite/Hair

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First before I start talking about  myself I have a question.

Is there another superhero besides Superman that has such a well known weakness?

Sure the Green Lantern has yellow stuff. (you know you totally knew that)

I really can't think of anything else off the top of my head.

Time Out while I search the Internet...........................

I'm back. Guess what? There is nothing else memorable. Although I will mention that I just learned the original Wonder Woman could be trapped if a MAN bound her hands. That is some serious sexist Bravo Sierra. Glad that is no longer the case.

Okay after that little nerd interlude let's get back to me.

Have I told you I have a "Kryptonite"?

Time Out again. Did you know Krypton is in spellcheck but Kryptonite isn't? WTF?

Back again. About my Kryptonite (seriously. how is this not in spellcheck?).

I'm going to tell you but only because I doubt there are any super villains that read this blog. They are much more into TUMBLR …

Getting Rid of Satellite Helped Me to be a Better Parent.

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Just not the way you think.




A few months ago Triple S and I agreed we were paying WAY TO MUCH for satellite TV. This isn't to say we didn't like it. Because we certainly did, but the bill just kept getting larger and the number of shows we were watching was getting smaller and smaller.

So we cancelled and got a streaming box and a digital antenna. (unless there is a chance I'm going to get something free I'm not plugging any name brands!)

Yeah. Old school rabbit ears. (although they are hidden in the attic so no one knows.)

That way we could keep watching local channels and the fabulous b team news.

That is what Triple S and I call the local news. If you are from the New York tri state area and you have since moved to small market news location then you know what I'm talking about. It's like watching high school Shakespeare. Sure they may get all the lines right but it isn't the same.

When we finally severed the satellite link we started discovery new thing…

Still Your Mind

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So this isn't the first time I've talked about trying to be a fitter me.

Recently though, I've switched up some things. Including Yoga in my routine to try and balance the abuse I take at Krav Maga. Or trying to see how many dichotomys I can include. Who knows.

It's really hard to know why I do anything.

So back to Yoga. It's great. All Namaste and stretching.

I've always been a reasonably flexible person but Yoga is something else. There are always a few ladies who can totally human pretzel themselves but none of this is important.

What is important is Shavasana.

Yeah yeah yeah. I know we don't all speak Yogi.

It's the rest at the end of class and apparently the "hardest practice" in yoga. At least that is what the instructor always says.

FYI everything in Yoga is a "practice" kind of like medicine. 

The point it just to lay there and clear your mind.

The second part of that sentence is the hard part.

My inner monologue while I tri…

Lillian Smith Jr (is not a real person)

For the last few weeks Triple S has been dealing with a back issue. I say that like it's a minor thing but sadly it wasn't.

12 years ago Triple S managed to land himself in the care of a back surgeon. If you are following at home he was still in his 20s! Yeah. It wasn't cool then and it isn't cool now.

But that isn't the point.

In the last few weeks we have seen doctor after doctor as we were passed up the ladder from GP to specialist to surgeon.

As we sat in the waiting room of the surgeon's office Triple S and I were discussing if the MD was a he or a she when we noticed a diploma on the wall. As is standard on diplomas the doctors name was written. (Aren't you glad I explained this part? Seriously? Just in case you have never seen or received a diploma of your own. Or you are an alien from another planet.)

The doctor was a "third".

It was at this point I told Triple S I was sure our doctor was a male.

He agreed of course because I'm always …

Dear NC Drivers

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It's Spring here (actually it's spring everywhere it's just the weather that's different). This means it's getting warmer and flip flops are coming out.

It also means rain.  Lots and lots of rain.

I'm not complaining about rain. I love it. It makes the flowers grow and it makes the pollen go far far away.

What I don't like is how it affects the drivers down here.

Before I complain about 'locals' I want to talk about how much I love my adopted home. North Carolina is awesome. The weather, the people, the biscuits, the sweet tea.

It's all great on most days.

I'm even cool with the ridiculous way we handle the snow down here. It's rare and I get that no one is going to have enough practice for a mastery of the skill of snow driving.

Totally okay.  I'll stay home and laugh at the ridiculous rush of people to get bread and milk because an inch is being predicted.

So you totally get a pass on the lack of snow driving skills.

But what about…

Surrealist

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So I'm pretty sure I've talked about my love of weird and nerdy t shirts before.

Although according to some stupid style blog I am no longer allowed to wear ironic t shirts. (Screw you. I refuse to grow up, I AM NOT OLD.)

Whatever. They're not the boss of me.

That's why I bought this t shirt the other day.

So cool right?

You can get one here if you want to be as cool as me.

I'm guessing right about now you're confused. I'm guessing this because no one said anything about my weird shirt when I wore it.

Introspective moment: Is it possible that my weird t shirt obsession is just a thinly veiled cry for attention?     NOPE. That seems unlikely. Pretty sure that's what this blog is for. 

No one. Not even the amazing Triple S, who usually gets my weirdness.

So here comes the schooling (this is ironic because I'm talking about teaching you something while using poor grammar. That's funny 101 kids. So is explaining why something is funny.)

Salvador Dali

15 years

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15 Years ago today I married Triple S.

Actually we didn't get married for another 15 days but that's a story for another day.

Today is the day I wore the dress and we said romantic stuff while everyone watched so we will count it as our anniversary.

It was wonderful but that isn't what I wanted to talk about today. Today I wanted to talk about what I thought I wanted and what I got.

I remember counting the days till our first anniversary because then we would just be regular married people. Regular. Normal. Married. People. Not newlyweds.

That was what I wanted.

More than anything I wanted my regular life to start.

On our first anniversary Triple S and I went to a lovely French restaurant. We ate escargot and dined by candlelight. It was romantic and wonderful. Then we went home and ate frozen, year old, cake.

Is that still a thing? It really shouldn't be. that cake was GROSS! But we had a few bites. Enough to ensure tradition was followed before throwing it away.

I re…

WTF Amazon!

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Obviously Amazon is awesome. Especially if you have a prime account. The free movies and music are whatever. I havenetflix I don't need your pity Amazon! But 2 day shipping?

Hell yeah!

Do I need this book/sneaker/sticker/coffee/charger/whatever thing? Maybe but it can be here in two days so ...... Yes please send it to me.


Back on point.

Did you guys know I LOVE obnoxious t shirts? Nerdy or weird or full of ridiculous fandom love.
I love them. I wear them to work and to the gym.

Most people who see me on a regular basis have noticed this about me.

It isn't unusual for someone to send me something like this on FB.
They come in the form of texts too.

 Usually Triple S is mentioned in the hopes that he will get creative and everyone will get cool new t shirts.

It's happened before.
These were all made by the amazing Triple S
This one is for our fantastic Alma mater!

OMG I am so far off topic. Not that this is shocking to you. Certainly this is something that is a regular pro…

I Need a Child Psychologist. STAT!

No not because I act like a crazy child.

You guys are not very supportive. Seriously I try and blog and all I get is grief.

Just kidding. You guys are the best.

So It's year three of my adventure as a preschool teacher. Once again I have lucked out in the student department. I have kids that are sweet and listen (well, listen as well as anyone can expect a group of four years olds). They try new snacks without complaining and know how to make one hell of a collage with glitter and pipe cleaners. Seriously Picasso would be jealous.

Basically they are tiny awesome humans.

EXCEPT for one thing,

When they all sit down I ask them a question in the negative form or the affirmative.

Examples:

Raise your hand if you DON'T like grapes.

or 

Raise your hands if you Do like grapes.

Either way they all raise their hands. Not because they all do or don't like grapes but because they are insane. Or at least that is my conclusion but I'm not a child Psychologist. Hence the title of today…

little green bag (notebook)

All the best intentions.

Right?

Remember when I told you all about my cool new green notebook? Remember I was going to write all my brilliant thoughts down in it?  I'm of course so brilliant that I needed two books.

All of this should be familiar to my faithful readers.


As of right now there is one thing written in my book.

One thing.

It's a note about growing out my hair. I actually have half a post saved but I'm lazy right now and I don't want to deal with finding the pictures that I need so it's sitting in the draft folder for a bit longer.

I'm not sure why I thought I was missing out on so many ideas. Cocky much?

Instead you are getting this which is so clearly just a filler post but hey it's something right?

I need some serious inspiration. Suggestions?

Happy Wednesday.

Pinterest

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Did you know you can pin other people's pins?

Of course you can. What the hell else do you do when you get sucked into the black hole that is Pinterest. Certainly you aren't about to start any projects because we know that is going to end poorly. Instead we just look at pin, after pin, after pin of pallet furniture and CD bird baths.

That isn't the point though.

I thought Pinterest was all about single girls assembling ridiculous expectations for their future house and their future wedding. Turns out apparently it's more about nerd love and carpenter envy.

I'm of course using only the latest in scientific research to prove this.

By research I mean the alerts I get from Pinterest about my account.


This is the number one thing people repin. Lovely isn't it? Did you know Triple S is a handy guy? Seriously. He can build something like nobodies business. He didn't build this but he was looking for inspiration for our fireplace wall so I of course went to the pl…

My Little Green Notebook

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Welcome to my blog.

Did you know that some bloggers update theirs blogs more than once a week?

Crazy right? Yeah I thought so too. I guess I just don't lead a very exciting life. Part of the problem is also that when an idea pops into my head I think to myself that I am possibly the cleverest person ever, surely I will never forget this very clever idea.

Guess what. I forget them all the time. I remember that I had an idea but for the life of me I can't remember what it was.

Hence the title of this blog. The kids and I went to the bookstore the other day and you know how they load the sides of the check out aisle with crap they want you to buy? Yeah Of course you do.

Well I bought something.

Now I would have a tiny notebook to write down my brilliant thoughts.

FYI I didn't buy two thinking that I would have so many brilliant thoughts that I would fill up the first one and would require a second one. They came in a two pack.

Either way I'm ready to write some stuff dow…

I know 35 Thousand People

Today is Thursday and it is my weekly routine to enjoy lunch with my favorite female people. You might remember I've talked about this before because it was at our regular lunch outing that I was vividly reminded of my past life of 9-5 grind.

Today though as I walked into the restaurant I glanced around. A quick headcount lead me to a startling realization.

I KNOW TOO MANY PEOPLE.

I counted. There were 23 people seated and eating and I knew 10 of them. That's almost half.

FYI I looked up the population of my town and as of 2013 it was 34,887.

We've lived here for 4 and half years and apparently I know 17,000 people. At least that is what I'm assuming based on my extensive knowledge of statistics and other analytical math.

That's too many! Too, too many!

So that's it people. No more saying hello to strangers. I'm done. I've maxed out.

Sorry new neighbors, new gym goers and new parents at the schools. I'm full up.




As a side note I also saw a man I'…

Old Technology

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Triple S and I just spent some quality time upstairs sorting through all the extra cords we have from years of chasing the ever upgrading technology demon.

You know the one I'm talking about. where as soon as you buy something they tell you about the "new and improved" version that will be available in just one more week. 
Giant TV's gave way to flat screens and then flat TV's.
We love gadgets in this house. Do you sell something cool and fancy that can bring me one step closer to a robot run home? Then I'm interested.
Examples of our craziness include being on the waiting list for the first tivo that was Direct TV compatible. Sure DVRs are common place now but back then the concept of recording your shows and fast forwarding through the commercials was insane. God how I loved that thing.
Although I never had a T Mobile sidekick I did have one of the first camera phones. Sure the pictures were so blurry it was hard to tell if I was sending you a picture of my…