Hello Internet

Hello Internet

Monday, December 22, 2014

The First Gift of Christmas

So I had a Christmas party with my best ladies the other day (husbands too although not Triple S as he is stuck on the boat.). Last year we did an ornament exchange and that went great but this year we did a Secret Santa instead.

At a girls weekend away we picked names and set a limit. Then we started the shopping.

I'm not going to go into details because who cares? This blog is about me me me.

So lets talk about my gifts.

If you know me in person or from the Internet you know that this mug made me happy. Obviously it's perfect for me and my super nerdiness. PS the TARDIS disappears and reappears on the other side when you add hot coffee.

Sure I suppose it would work for tea too but despite my love of British TV that isn't about to happen. Coffee is my life blood.

It gets better though.
First, it's a bit weird that my BBC mug was made in Brooklyn but I'm not judging.

Second, not cool that I can't put it in the dishwasher but I'll survive I guess.

Third, and the best part, "For best results, use other side."

I hate stupid safety warnings.  "Careful, Coffee may be hot"? Do you really need this warning? Do we need instructions on Pop Tarts? How about warnings that razors are sharp? I try not to think too hard about the people who need these labels.

That is why when something is obnoxious like this it makes me happy.

There are whole websites dedicated to this.

Check Them Out.

In the mean time I'm going to turn my mug over and fill is it with delicious HOT coffee and watch my TARDIS time travel.... Or, I guess It will really only be space traveling? Either way it's cool.


Thursday, December 18, 2014

On Christmas I Crush Things

Tonight was my Preschool Christmas Program. (Should all the words be capitalized?)

Eh. Whatever.

The sweet little ones were all dressed up. There were wise men and sheep and camels and an angel and there was even a donkey named Clyde. It was all very "awww".

Moms, Dads, Grandparents, Siblings and random other extended family all thought it was a great show. I have to agree, not to mention knowing this is the last time I have to sing  "must be Santa" this year makes me positively giddy.

Back on point!!!

So normally while I am at preschool I wear Batman t-shirts and assorted other nerd stuff. I pair that with sneakers or flats, sometimes flip flops. Basically I am not a fancy person.

Who can blame me. A smear of snot or a handful of paint are always close at hand. Plus I really love Batman and I like to pretend that the reason I own 5 Batman shirts is because I teach preschool.

Tonight was different though. All the little ones were in their Christmas finest and I needed to step up my game. So I wore heels. This is always cause for comment because of the aforementioned Batman obsession but there was a time when I wore heels more often then not. I can even run in them if necessary although I don't recommend it.

So after I pointed out to all my awesome coworkers* that it wasn't a big deal I crushed a stool and nearly face planted onto the stage.


Yeah you read that right!

While walking onto the stage after the little angels were done to ensue none of them took a header into the audience (no stage diving allowed) I crushed a plastic stool with my heel and caused the audience to gasp.

This is the offending item. According to the Home Depot website it is rated to 325 lbs. LIARS!

I did get a high five from one of the Dads for my recovery so I'm still counting tonight as a win for me.



*Normally it would be safe to assume this was sarcasm but just this once you would be wrong. They really are AWESOME.)

Monday, December 8, 2014

Socks

So I totally have a plan for this post but every single time I type SOCKS I remember this awesome late night TV infomercial about how easy it was to learn Spanish and part of the awesomeness was that if you spell the word socks out loud you are speaking Spanish. Of course I have no idea what it means but.....

Crap. Now I totally have to stop writing this to search the internet for the video.


I'm back and I couldn't find the infomercial but I did find this and now I know what SOCKS means in Spanish. Yeah! We are learning stuff.

I have no idea why she is drinking. Okay I have some idea but I need to get back to my point.

I vaguely remember I said I had one before I went into some crazy rambling tangent about Spanish Infomercials.

Oh Yeah! Socks.

So let's take a journey back to 1998. I was newly out of Boat College and my job was sending me every where, all over the globe.

My next assignment was in Alaska, in October! That's nice and sunny here in the South but up there it is already getting CHILLY! I was given a nice stipend to suit up. So off to the outdoor store I went.

I got a Carhart suit, some long johns, and those heated hand warmer packs. Sure I had gone skiing in Maine in February and SCUBA diving on Cape Cod in December.

I'd been cold but this seemed like it was going to warrant special equipment.

Oh yeah and one more thing. I got two pairs of socks. (look at me getting back to the point, high five!)

Thorlo extreme cold socks.

They were $15 a pair. Never in my entire life had I bought a pair of socks that cost even close to this. Despite the salesman's promise that they were indeed worth the price I was skeptical. That's a lot of money for a pair of socks!

I bought them though because my toes are always cold. ALWAYS.

Fast forward some large number of years later and I am sitting on my couch typing this wearing the socks.

The color has faded a bit but other than that they are as good as new. There are no worn patches. No sagging elastic. No holes. Nothing is wrong with them. They are seriously the best socks EVER. 

Today, here, in the South it is cold and rainy but my toes are nice and toasty.

I love you green socks. May you last another 16 (OMG I'm so old.) years.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Trans Siberian Orchestra

I'm not a huge concert goer.

There aren't many performers that I like that are worth the price.

I hate crowds and rudeness and then you have to find someone that loves the same crap to go with you. It's a whole thing. Usually I just sing along really loudly in the car and that gets me my music fix.

I do like different things though so when someone suggested we go see the Tran Siberian Orchestra I thought it would be fun.

 


We all hear this song at Christmas and it is pretty awesome. Surely a whole concert of rocking orchestral Christmas music will be fun?

Of course that was before I got there.

I guess it shouldn't come as a shock that every group has groupies but I still was then the family wearing matching TSO t shirts and denim jackets walked by.

It was a Christmas show so I figured there would be Christmas music. (Logic always gets me into trouble) I guess that is what they were playing but it was their own music and I had never heard any of it before. Not a single note.

Remember earlier I mentioned that song that we all like? In the THREE hour concert that was the only one I recognized.

What I got instead was back up singers who more closely resembled pole/go go dancers just with more clothes on. Weird hair flipping by guys who were confused about the fact that it wasn't the 80's anymore and a discount Morgan Freeman narrating the worst story ever told in Dr. Seuss like rhymes about a kid finding a box in the attic filled with really random letters.

It was weird. Seriously weird. Like a grandma approved rock concert.

Did you know that double neck guitar still exists? Me neither but here's your proof.
For some reason this guy did this a lot. Lifted up his guitar to show it to the audience. It was like he didn't want us to forget how cool it was or maybe he needed to work his biceps?

I know it was a laser light show but I don't think this guy's ego needed this. Based on the amount of hair flipping and intentional growling.

One more thing. Did I mention the super weird video that played on the big screen that looked like a super bad version of 1980's Dracula complete with girls dancing by candlelight in virginal white dresses? Because there was totally one of those. 

Sure there was more. A lady singer with a guitar that, based on her hand movements, I'm pretty sure could only play one cord. A fantastic retro 1994 screen saver featuring dragons climbing on a castle.

I could go on but this is the Internet and our attentions are short so I'll just end with the fact that I had a good time and because I was out with my fellow Krav Maga classmates I was pretty sure if a full scale riot occurred we were going to full on RULE the world.

RULE THE WORLD!!!



Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Christmas Shopping

Normally I hate people who rush the holidays.

When I see Christmas decorations up in October I get very annoyed.

But I'm going to break my own rule because I was out and about the other day and came across some fantastic items that would be perfect for that special someone on your list.



Unicorns aren't just for little girls. This fantastic family, complete with bastard Pegasus, would look perfect sitting next to your fancy lawyer's desk lamp.

For the political buff that has everything. Who doesn't want a plate to commemorate the McCain Obama debate from 2008? Remember when McCain asked "Are you afraid I couldn't hear him?" when the moderator kept telling Obama to talk directly to McCain?

How about this adorable creature. For the person who has outgrown stuffed animals but still loves cute and cuddly dead animals. Everyone knows marsupials make the best friends.

Check out this old family photo. Maybe you were adopted or you come from a bunch of nomads. This guy would lend an air of importance to your office and that made up family story about you being a third generation Judge.

What about that friend who always makes a New Year's resolution to lose weight? It will be so much more fun stepping on this every morning instead of some boring old plain white digital scale.

What about those empty nestors? This handsome little guy will make the loneliness easier to handle. He'll make sure you know you are loved, and watched, every minute of everyday. Sleep tight.

This is the ultimate power painting for that corner office you've been eying since you started with the company 5 years ago. They say you should dress for the job you want. That goes for art too. That "hang in there." kitty poster screams middle management but this winged man riding a Pegasus (is he the reason the unicorn daddy drinks?) says you are vice president material.



Sure people are afraid of clowns but that is because they have never meant this subtle and suave guy. He doesn't throw banana cream pies at you or squirt water into your face from a flower. He is all about Kierkegaard and James Joyce.


Last but not least this guy. Imagine how quickly your house will be added to the local garden tour with him as your centerpiece. You will be the envy of every house frau in the PTO.

So yeah. Maybe it's a little early to start getting crazy but you'll thank me later when you aren't wandering about the mall on Christmas eve looking for one last present.



Sunday, November 2, 2014

Bloggin is Like a Dysfunctional Family

So blogging in general is very much like a crazy inbred family.

Bloggers comment on other blogs in the hope of getting more views to their own page. Who then in turn comment back on the comments and it goes round and round until someone ends up with flipper hands. While this can be entertaining it's also a little crazy.

Along that line I have been nominated for the One Lovely Blog award. This isn't to say that this isn't sweet. It's actually pretty awesome that people not blood related to me or being held at gunpoint are reading this blog.


So Thanks internet. You guys are the bomb.





Here Are The Rules:

1. You must thank the person who nominated you and include a link to their blog.
Thanks!   White Girls Be like... Check
2. You must list the rules.
Double check!
3. You must add 7 facts about yourself.
See below Check!  (also I take this to mean stuff I haven't already revealed on my blog right?)
4. You must nominate 15 other bloggers and comment on one of their posts to let them know they have been nominated.

1. http://chroniclesofcrewchange.blogspot.com/ Triple S gets tops billing
2.  http://definitelysoulless.blogspot.com/ everyone needs a ginger in the mix
3. http://thebloggess.com/ I shouldn't need to explain this at all!
4. http://www.opticynicism.com/ male and snarky.
5. http://www.flourishinprogress.com/ This chick is crazy in the best way.
6. http://www.thedoseofreality.com/ pintrest nightmares and real life mommy drama
7. http://blogtorwho.blogspot.com/ because of my unhealthy love of Doctor Who
8. http://goodbyechicken.com/  her kids are more insightful that me
9. http://gigisramblings-gso.blogspot.com/ because she loves RDJ
10. http://www.rubbershoesinhell.com/ once she talked about finding poop in her hotel room and I nearly wet myself
11. http://www.foxywinepocket.com/ there is wine and ninjas

Crap this is a lot of BLOGs to follow!

12. http://established1975.com/ I feel like I know her in a soul sister way. Not a SWF way.
13.  Apparently I don't follow enough BLOGS.
14.  I feel like a failure to the BLOG community.
15.  I have brought shame to this dojo!

5. You must display the award logo and follow the blogger who nominated you.
Done and Done!

7 Facts About Me:

1. Although I consider myself a "city girl" I could never, ever go back to living in one.

2. I like liver and onions (I have the refined palate of an 80 year old).

3. I let my kids pick my costume every year for Halloween (past years include a vampire, Darth Vader and Luigi)

4. I've watched Jaws and Ghostbusters so many times I can recite almost every line.

5. I never, ever follow a recipe exactly.

6. I love Taylor Swift's song "shake it off", I don't care that she is half my age. (almost)

7. My first concert was Paul Simon in Central Park in 1991.(Rhythm of the Saints is one of my all time favorite albums.)

All right kids. Time to post this and get to notifying some awesome bloggers.

See you on the internet.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

1990 was 24 years ago people!!!

Remember when I said I wasn't going to grow old? It seems like only yesterday.

I'm still fighting the good fight but I realized why some people are always so frustrated.

This morning on one of those Sunday news shows they were talking about Woodward and Bernstein. After a quick sum up they reminded everyone that All The Presidents Men was based on their experience.

I was annoyed. Is this something that people don't know?

This happens to me a lot because I have A LOT of random stuff in my head that I don't realize is random. Why don't more people know these weird facts?

It's a sign of the times though. That movie was made almost 40 years ago and Watergate was even older than that. (Of course it was Caption Obvious because since we don't have a time machine we can only make movies about things that have happened.)


Don't you just want to wrap that cord around your finger?

All of this follows me having to explain to my son how a rotary phone worked. He acted like it was the most ridiculous thing he had ever seen. I suppose it was in an age when he can't remember not being able to play a game or watch his show wherever and whenever he wants it is a funny concept to have to be attached to an actual cable.

Side Note: With all these advances why don't I have a flying car or a hover board yet?

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Are you Predictable?

I was reading a book the other day and the main character was talking about how he knew some guy working in a store drove a sporty little pick up and it got me thinking.(Yes this happens sometimes.)

If you had to guess what kind of car do you think I drive? What kind of car do you think I should drive or would love to drive?

This really is at least a two part questions since sadly, I am not a billionaire so price is always a serious limiting factor. Not to mention the 2 kids. Can't very well drive around in something with no back seat.

Either way we have to live in the real world. 

Ferrari 458 Spider


There is of course an online quiz to help you decide what is the car you SHOULD be driving.
It told me I should drive a Ferrari but that brings us back to my point about the real world.

Although if someone gave me one I would take two trips everywhere. One time for each child riding shotgun with me in this beauty.

So are you predictable?

As a side note if you are the kind of person who picks a car because of color or because it "goes" please don't weigh in. My heart can't handle another argument about why you should care more about what you drive.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Never, Ever, Grow Old

When I was younger the only 'old' people I knew weren't really that old. In retrospect they were actually pretty young. Certainly not much older than some of my friends are now.

BUT They had old people hair, they dressed like old people, they even smelled like old people.

Now when I say OLD I'm talking not about a specific number but a mindset.

I'm pretty sure most of them weren't over 50 but they acted so old. The TV was too loud. Teenagers were awful. What is with today's music? 

side note. TEENAGERS are awful. You aren't old if you think that, you just aren't a teenager. 

I hated the idea that one day I was going to be "old" too. One day I was going to just give up and go grey. No more cool shoes. No more exciting movies. No more scandalous jokes. No more anything fun.

I was going to get a Laz-e-boy and watch Matlock (or some other equally boring show) until I died.

They say 40 is the new 30 or 50 is the new 40? I don't know because they change it all the time. Grey is the new black too. Or something like that.

I talk about this now because I have never wanted to grow old. Up? sure. It's cool to be a semi responsible adult because it means I can make my own choices and do my own things. It means I know who I am and don't care what anyone else thinks. (I'm pretty sure this blog is all the proof you need of that.)

Old? No thank you.

I was hoping that as I looked back it wasn't that they were old but that I was so young and couldn't imagine anything past the next morning.

Nope. They are still old. Pictures and memories viewed through more mature eyes (that still don't need glasses!!!!!! WOOOO) can't change the fact that these people chose to get OLD.

Right now though there are a bunch of ladies in my life that are becoming my idols. Ladies who refuse to grow old. Ladies who do and say amazing things. Ladies who get up every morning and tell father time to Buzz Off.


This lady is my idol!

Nonagenarian's rule!



I'm going to follow their example. I'm not going to get "old". I'm going to get more awesome with each passing year. Screw you Father time. (My idols are slightly more polite than I am)

Monday, October 6, 2014

Delete my Browser History

I know  a lot of shows portray this as the ultimate thing one guy can do for another should he suddenly die. If you need me to explain you don't spend enough time on the Internet. (HINT :it's NSFW)

Here's my question though. What is the female equivalent?

Hide my shoes?

Clean out my glove box?

Go through my purse?

I really don't know, but in this age of equality I'd like to know.

Suggestions?


Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Best Compliment/Worst Insult

Yesterday someone told me that "I make people happy."

My first thought was it was an odd thing to say but then I thought about it.

Really thought. I even wrinkled my brow. I mean I did some deep brain stretches.

There may have been smoke.

Then it occurred to me that it was one of the best things anyone has ever said about me. EVER.

Better than you're pretty or nice or strong or any other generic compliment that people offer.

Which was really nice because it came on the tails of someone insulting me at Krav Maga.

Saturday is sparring day. (That's fighting with gloves on.)

We've been working on multiple pairings and unlike in the movies my partners don't get in a line and come at me one at a time. It's great exercise and a fantastic stress outlet. Maybe not for everyone but I really like it.

Yes , I am aware this is not normal.

Not that you will be surprised by this but I'm the only woman. Sure there are lots in the regular class but I'm the only lunatic that signs up to get punched on a weekly basis.

"It's hard getting over a lifetime of not punching girls."

That is what someone said after we finished a 2 minute round.

Bravo Sierra! I didn't ask for special treatment and I'm pretty sure no one has ever offered it. (I sincerely hope not.)


I doubt he meant it to be that insulting but that is kind of the point.

So today I'm going to forget about subtle sexism and bask in the warm and fuzzy feeling of an awesome compliment.

Don't sweat the small stuff should be my family motto.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Derek Jeter

He's retiring this year. It's a big deal even if you aren't a Yankee fan (which I totally am) because he has like 700 world records. Okay maybe not that many, I'm not fact checking this. Let's call it stream of consciences because it sounds better than lazy.

Whatever the point is he's impressive. 



Beyond the records and the stats and the fan love though Derek Jeter is a throw back player to a time when baseball was truly our national passtime. To a time when we watched to see legends in the making. In short he is a class act.

No scandals. No hearings on capitol hill. No arrests or rumors.

Nothing.

Sure there are plenty of consistantly good players that dont get into trouble but Jeter isn't just good. He's amazing. There is no question in anyone's mind that he will be in the hall of fame. More than likely a first round pick and possibly a unanimous vote. Those aren't things to scoff at.

Sure he's slowing down a bit and the amazing plays aren't as much a daily event anymore but after 20 years (20, an insane number in professional sports) he is getting tired. 

I look forward to the pomp and circumstance that will follow him this season. He deserves every bit of fan love.

So as a fan I want to say I'm sorry I called you a pretty boy Derek. Not that you aren't pretty. Because you certainly are but you are also an amazing player and an actual role model. Thanks for not letting us down.

Great job Cap! We will miss you.




Monday, September 15, 2014

Neighborhood

When I was a small child I lived in Queens in a small apartment above a store.
It was just like this.


I wasn't there long though because apparently Queens isn't an idyllic place to raise a family.  So we packed up and moved to Queens Village.

Obviously it is very cool to live in the Queen's Village as the name implies. Under the watchful eye of royalty. In the shadow of a castle.

Okay Queens Village isn't like that at all. There are a lot of houses only separated by a driveway and a perfectly manicured lawn of 10'x10'.

That isn't to say it didn't have it's perks.

Two words: BLOCK PARTY!!

The whole street would shut down for a day and everyone would come out and talk to the neighbors. There would be Police barriers at the end of the street so kids could ride their bikes or skate their skates (my preferred mode of transportation in those days.) without concern of being flattened.

There were unsafe carnival rides that would arrive on the back of trucks run by x felons with questionable  people skills. We would eat and eat and eat until it wasn't a matter of if a child was going to vomit on the "round up" but when.

To a small child it was better than Disney World.

Jump to the present. 

Triple S and I moved into a nice neighborhood where people wave to each other every morning. Where kids ride around on bikes and play basketball in driveways.

Then they started a ladies night. One night a month all the women of the community gather in the clubhouse to chit chat about kids, decorating and guns (it is the South after all).

That was awesome but they didn't stop there. Oh no! Because we go big or go home here!

THEY PLANNED A BLOCK PARTY!!

The little Long Island girl inside of me jumped for joy. There weren't any pony rides or dangerously unsafe roller coasters but there was more food than 150 people could eat.

Those are grown men about to hulu hoop. bet you wish you lived here too.

There was a hula hoop contest and a pulled pork cook off. There was an eggs toss and croquet and cornhole. (I know that doesn't sound family friendly but trust me, it is.)


Please note Triple S' perfect form during the egg toss.


It was awesome.

So I can live with ridiculous rules about wheeled carts for garden hoses (yeah we have a rule for that) and garbage cans visible from the street (I'm not storing that smelly thing in my garage).

I'm okay with arguing about the color of my door. I'm good with all of this because my neighbors are making the pro column of living in a planned community out weight the con column but a huge margin.

Friday, September 12, 2014

Preschool: year 3


This year though, I was worried about criers. 

I love 4 year olds. They are smart and funny and fun and we play with crayons and play dough and dress up. There are swings and slides and nature walks. It's basically the coolest job ever. Plus I get to indulge in my superhero t shirt obsession. 

The problem is that none of that fun stuff can happen until they get to know me and not miss their moms so much. 

Sometimes that takes a few minutes and sometimes it takes a few days. For the littler guys it can take weeks. Although it feels much longer when they won't stop crying. Poor babies.

This year my new kiddos walked right in and got down to the business of having fun. No tears. No crying. Nothing but smiles. It was epic.

I'm hoping it was a sign of how our year together is going to go and not a "things can only get worse" situation.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Could You Recognize Your Spouse's Dismembered Body?



This was the conversation Triple S and I had yesterday. It started simple enough. (As it usually does.)

I was pointing out to him that I had a birth mark on my leg. You know just in case I'm involved in a horrible accident and dental records and fingerprint aren't a viable identification method.

He told me that he was going to make a mental note although he couldn't make any promises. He further posited that he didn't think it was likely that he would be able to recognize his own severed limb.

Say out of a lineup of 5 severed legs. Because that is a likely scenario.

That is when I suggested we get identifying tattoos. Like code numbers on each limb.


Suspicious detective: "Ma'am we found a leg in the harbor. We need you to confirm it's your husbands."

Me: "Arm or Leg?"

Suspicious detective: "Leg."

Me: "Left or right?"

Suspicious detective: "Left."

Me: "Does it have a 7 on it?"

Suspicious detective: "No it has an 11."

Me: "Then that can't be my husband."

You see Triple S thought my idea was so genius that it was likely someone else would have come to the same conclusion. Therefore we would have to be very clever about what we chose so as no to have repeated numbers. It would suck to bury someone else's husband's arm when my own husband's arm was still out there somewhere.
You really can find anything and everything on the internet. It is equal parts awesome and terrifying.

sidebar: Why does spellcheck keep telling me "else's" isn't a word. It totally is right?

Monday, August 18, 2014

darn you google search results!

I love that Blogger tells you who is checking out your blog.

They let you know that you are super popular in Russia. (not because that is where all the baby spambots are born but because I can totally relate to people who consume on average 4.8 gallons of alcohol a year. We know that's my jam.)

Remember the doll tuxedo?

I know I see it in my nightmares all the time.

In recent weeks "KFC Mutant chickens" has been bringing the most traffic to this little blog because everyone knows this is where you come for important information about mutants and fast food.

Today though someone went to Google and typed in "badman and superman parents".

Now that isn't a typo. Well it isn't a typo on my part. We know how I feel about Batman. I would never call him badman. That sounds like a discount knock off about Brant Woyne and his trusty manservant Andrew. He uses his millions (not billions because we are in a recession) to fight crime in Metrocity all the while dressed as a rat. There is no flying rodent comparison for him because that is too expensive and there isn't a board on pinterest with discount ways to build wings.

I love you internet.
You can make your own meme here if you are bored or insane or any combination of those two things.



One last thing before I go.

that meme generator is dangerous!

Sunday, August 17, 2014

The Joys of Parenthood. Part 763

Note: I wrote this post Friday.

Sometimes I wish I was a much meaner person.

Or at least I didn't care about human niceties. You know like holding the door, saying good morning, letting people merge.

Sociopath? Yeah that would have made today a bit easier.

What happened you ask?

Nothing life changing or sad. (I've mentioned before this ain't that blog.)

Nope. Nothing like that. It's much worse.

Sit down and let me tell you a story:

It started on Wednesday when we arrived at my son's music lesson only to find out his current teacher was gone. No one told us. So instead of continuing my son on his path to super stardom we stood there for 30 minutes until we could arrange for another time.

We headed back tonight to start with a new instructor. Number 5, apparently no one wants to teach my son. (This isn't true at all I'm just complaining. Obviously he is my kid and we routinely get calls from the Van Halen's about his talent.).

Apparently though someone forgot to update the super high tech excel spreadsheet they use to schedule the lessons and they had double booked the time. Of course, since we were one minute late the other lesson had already started and by the time we figured out what was going on another 30 minutes had passed and it was someone else's time.

Luckily I had fed the kids before we headed over there.

Or not, as the case became when Colin told me he had just thrown up in their bathroom and apparently didn't do the best job with his aim.

Now we've been waiting awhile and I can just leave and make it someone else's problem. If I was a sociopath that is totally what I would have done.

I didn't though. stupid conscience!! Instead I got to go into the store's bathroom, where only men work, that really isn't open to the public, and clean up my son's vomit.

Now I want you to think for a moment about how I described the bathroom.

Have you pictured it in your head? Are you somewhere between youth hostel and frat house? Good because that is pretty accurate. Luckily there was pine sol and paper towels.

Pretty sure it is now cleaner than it has ever been. I, of course, feel the need for a shower.

So over all a fun day.


NOTE: Yes I am aware this is what the Internet call a first world problem. I'm not bemoaning the state of my tragic life. I just thought there can never be too many good stories about vomit.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Geek Love

I know I've mentioned this before but I am a serious GEEK.

For the most part I don't make general announcements about my proclivities. Sometimes though I feel my insane love for something start to bubble to the surface and as the words start to leave my mouth I hear myself getting more and more excited about my obsessions.

This happened the other day when someone mentioned Doctor Who.

August 23 is only 9 days AWAY!!!


They simply said they hadn't really liked the 2005 reboot.

One simple statement and I felt my insanity bubble up. I started with one comment about why they were wrong and it spiraled into a 20 minute diatribe about how Doctor Who is awesome.

I kept remembering my "favorite" thing. One after another and they were coming out in a disjointed stream of consciousnesses rant.

Now if you love Doctor Who then you can understand that trying to explain it on the best of days makes you sound crazy but when you're excited it gets worse.

In my head I could hear myself getting ramped up but I couldn't seem to stop it. My crazy was spilling out for everyone to see.


Good news though. A few weeks have passed and no one seems to be giving me the side eye so I guess a little crazy is forgiven.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Raccoons and Monkeys

Remember when we cloned a sheep? (holy cow that was 1996!)

Dolly!

It was all Brave New World references and religious freak outs. People love a good slippery slope argument. To prove how scary this was we made movie after movie where we cloned people with horrible consequences.
How the hell did this guy pull off Batman?

We even pulled out some old stories that seemed relevant again. Can you say Island of Doctor Moreau? (I'm talking about the horrible remake with Marlon Brando, based on the other movie from 1977, based on the other movie from 1932, based on the book written in 1896)

Both of these movies came out the same year as Dolly.


Now if you are a conspiracy theorist you won't believe this next part so just pretend I'm a puppet for the man and keep reading.

Nothing happened. No animal people hybrids or nightmare diseases that brought about the long awaited zombie apocalypse. Nothing other than a few other medical experiments that we promptly forgot about.


I'll admit I never really cared although that had more to do with my age than any real apathy for the subject.

I care now though.

There are two movies in theaters right now that make the idea of animal experimentation seem either awesome or terrifying.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
I didn't see this movie. Why are they wearing face paint?


Guardians of the Galaxy
I assume if I get a Rocket I get a Groot too.


Both have talking, intelligent animals that make it much harder to pretend animals don't have souls.

They are making me think hard about cloning. On the one hand if it means monkey overlords and human subjugation I'm totally against it but on the other hand if Rocket can be my new best friend I might have to start writing my Congressman.

Food for thought people.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Can You Fake an Accent?

I remember a period of time where a few of my girlfriends and I would talk with a fake British accent for hours on end. We thought we were brilliant but I can only imagine it was truly annoying to all around us.

That isn't the point though. It didn't seem that hard. I'm sure to actual English people we sounded like idiots but hey, we were young, and stupid and we probably were idiots.

I bring up this trip down memory lane because I just watched an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie.

He's doing that again.    Making movies.    Since we didn't change the rules and he can't run for President he's back to "acting". Yeah there are quotes around that word because although I will watch True Lies every time it is on he is not winning an Oscar for his nuanced roles anytime soon.

Back on topic though. So the movie I watched was Sabotage.


Besides Arnold's awful hair. It's a pretty good 2 hours of people never running out of ammo and surviving ridiculous amounts of bodily trauma.

The part I find funny though is that because in the movie Arnold is a DEA agent we need to explain why he has an Austrian accent. I couldn't help but remember all the other movies with him that I had watched where they had to do the same thing.

Sidebar: As I type this The Presidio with Sean Connery comes to mind and how even though he was a Lt Colonel in the Army he had a Scottish accent. No one complained though because he beat a guy up with his left thumb. Right one's too strong for you.

Arnold isn't playing King Lear so who cares? 

No one, but right now there are so many actors on American TV speaking with American accents that are not American!


This is a movie list but you get my point.

Is he lazy? Does he just not care?

Maybe it's because if you lost the accent he wouldn't be Arnold anymore and there would be no more ridiculous Internet insanity like this.




I should not have laughed at this as hard as I did. I'm blaming it on my sleepiness. 

Thursday, July 24, 2014

My Son is an Inspiration

Not in the sense that he has done something that would make old ladies and moms smile with pride. Although he does do stuff like that sometimes.

Today though he was messing around on my phone and playing with all the sound clips I have downloaded on there as various alerts and ringers.

Included is of course the Rocky Theme.

Coming inside from the grocery store he kept playing it over and over and giggling. Then as we unpacked the last bag he paused the music and made this proclamation.

"I feel like I just accomplished something."



I had to agree. Theme music makes everything better.

Imagine scrubbing the casserole dish with this playing in the background? I bet you aren't even going to let it soak. You're going to think about Rocky hammering into that side of beef and before you know it the dish is going to be spotless.

What about while you are mowing the lawn? I bet that lawn will be done before you know it.

I'm going to see if this kind of psychological motivation works the next time I have something I really don't want to do like scrubbing the bathroom or folding the laundry.

I'm probably going to become immune to this song though so if you have any other suggestions let's hear them.



Monday, July 14, 2014

ORPHANS (yes this again)

TV and movies give orphans and single parented kids a very unrealistic view of death.

It used to be just soap operas that had people coming back from the dead. Or suddenly an identical cousin would show up but either way it was harder to kill a soap opera star than a vampire.

I say this because the kids and I just got back from How to Train Your Dragon 2.
This has nothing to do with this post but this part was super cute.

So if you haven't seen it I'm supposed to warn you about spoilers but based on what I just wrote and the fact that that is the first movie I mentioned you can kind of guess what happens.

So read on, all the other shows will be old enough that if you haven't seen them you can stop pretending you are going to.


Still here? Good.

As we left the theater I couldn't stop thinking about all the times this had happened off the top of my head. Alias, Castle, Grimm, 90210. I'm sure if I wanted too I could find more but I didn't. I'm being lazy plus this isn't really a post. Just a a quick ramble. So no details about how these shows brought back dead parents or why it was ridiculous.

Just a few honorable mentions though because the nerd in me can't resist.

On some shows it isn't parents it's people in general. No one is really dead.  EVER!!!

It just occurred to me that right now there are two shows on TV all about random people returning from the dead.

Thanks entertainment for messing with the permanence of death.



Monday, July 7, 2014

Binging (I checked. That's how you spell it.)

I want to add an 'e' so it doesn't look like I'm talking about BING. Cause I'm not.

This is not a post about poor eating habits either. Although I could do that.

I'm going to talk about Netflix.


It's summer so most regular TV is on a break. It's the perfect time to drown yourself in an entire TV series. I love Netflix. It is an amazing thing to be able to watch a movie whenever the hell you want.



Remember when I was a kid we had to wait until it came on TV and it would be "modified for content" or butchered for language and worse still it was cut so it  would fit on the screen. Remember I'm old and TV screens used to be a different size than movies.

It seems like this should have been fixed a lot sooner but alas we were forced to only see half the movie. Sometimes it wouldn't mater and others it would seems like the cinematography was a big fan of panning back and forth.




WOW. sorry but that was some serious rambling.

Back on topic. I love Netflix but I can't binge watch it. If I know a whole season is available I'll watch 2 or 3 episodes then I will want to cut to the end. This is especially bad if I know Netflix has the entire series.


I'm not saying I wont go back and watch the rest of the show at some point but I just want to cut to the chase.

Hmmm sexual tension between the two main characters on a show that ran for 6 seasons?

You know they aren't getting together till at least season 4 and then they will break up in season 5 and finally end up back together in season 6 to make the fans think everything ends with a happy note.

How about I just cut out all that drama and get to the good part?

Next episode? No thank you. I like to watch them out of order.

Maybe that's why I loved Firefly so much?

Hmm that's something to think about.

Something else to think about is the TIME SUCK that is pinterest I just spent 15 minutes looking for a simple poster of Firefly and instead pinned 4 movie quotes and 3 cross stitch patterns for Jayne's hat. Like I can cross stitch? 


Friday, July 4, 2014

Life is a Balancing Act

OMG she's about to get deep. Feelings might come out.


Sure you could infer that from the title but not to worry. This isn't that blog and I'm not that girl.

Perhaps you are aware of this but I have what some might refer to as a "fresh mouth". I've been called sassy, smart mouthed, sarcastic, frequently ridiculous and always flippant.

My first instinct is to make a joke and never to remain silent.

(This is so true that I once joked about my friend's father's passing less than a week later. Much to the horror of everyone else in the car.)

Each time before I open my mouth I weight the consequences. It might not seem like that but I really do. Sure sometimes I still make the wrong call and offend someone or hurt someone's feelings, but I did think about it.

Sometimes the consequences come back on me and I have to decide if I'm willing to pay them.

In high school I could pretty much mumble anything under my breath and remain untouched but then I decided to go to a military college with rules and regulations. Punishment for opening my mouth went from a stern lecture to push ups and extra work.

The good news was my arms were really strong. The bad news was that I really had to make sure opening my mouth was worth the punishment.

After that though I was on my own and the consequences pretty much went away. If you didn't like that fact that I was frequently, brutally, honest you could always choose to not be my friend.

The other night I was reminded again that there can be potentially painful consequences for calling someone out.  In Krav Maga I felt it was possible that the instructor might have been fudging his stop watch. His "10 seconds more." seemed a lot longer than they should have and not just because I was sucking wind.

Calling him out earned me and extra ten seconds of suckage but it was totally worth it.

Balancing acts require some give and take. I'll take an extra ten seconds of punishment every day if I get to speak my mind.


See how I brought that back around to the fact that today is the Fouth of July?

Freedom is an amazing thing. Make sure you are using yours wisely.


This photo is called irony. Just because you are free to do something doesn't mean you should.


Wednesday, June 25, 2014

TBT: the sequel

Remember when I told you I got a check from BMG when Mili Vanili turned out to be a fake?

Blame it on the Rain is still an awesome song but apparently someone else sang it. Whatever.(in order to find this link I just had to peruse YouTube and of course I listened to the whole song so yeah I stand by my earlier statement.)



Where am I going with this? Good question.

BuzzFeed had a list today that made me think of this. 

Remember in the back of your Teen magazine there was that little tear out? For a while it was ten cassettes for a penny and then in switched to ten albums for the price of one.

Of course then you were trapped in some album of the week nightmare and if you didn't pay attention some guy from BMG was going to come a knocking looking for his money regardless of whether you wanted the latest release from lil bow wow or not.

I'm old enough that the first time I got taken with this scam it was still cassettes.

Yeah I'm old. Get over it!

I was still trying to figure out how to be cool though so my albums were all classic rock even though I didn't know how to spell Lynyrd Skynyrd. Now despite having already lived through this mail order nightmare once I did fall for it again when I switched over to CD's.

Today's BuzzFeed's list made me smile although by my count I only had 5 of the 25 albums on it.

Which 5 you may ask?

I'm not telling. I've already said too much about my questionable taste in music.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

The Name Game

It's summertime. That wonderful, magical time that we look forward to all year right up until it happens then we complain how bored we are unless we have seven friends over every day.

Magical I tell you!
Don't look directly at it. That dangerous!

 We have some regularly scheduled stuff during the week, Krav Maga, gymnastics, music, the gym. Nothing that can't be moved around to indulge in some quality pool time though.

That is a good thing because we love the sun. By 'we' I mean 'I'. I love the sun so much! Give me a book and a beach towel and I am a happy girl.

My happy place!

Today though the kids were taking turns annoying each other. It's gotten to the point where I would rather they call each other not nice things because they are making me hate the names I chose for them and it wasn't an easy choice.

We put some effort into making sure neither of them had the same name as ten other kids or a confusing name with a weird spelling or something that rhymed with fart or butt-hole.

Kids are cruel and you need to think about the 9 year old jerks when you are naming your sweet baby. (I guess there are other more practical things to consider too but you have to have priorities.)

Colin was the result of a popularity contest. Triple S wanted Connor but according to the Social Security website it was more popular than Colin so I won out.

Natalie was another story entirely.  We had such a hard time picking with her. She was going to be Riley right up until the week before she was born. Then in a fit of insane pregnancy hormones I freaked out because I felt like there were Rileys every where. So I changed my mind. I say I because Triple S didn't say anything. If he thought I was insane he choose to remain silent and go with the flow.

Thank god we didn't have anything monogrammed. That would have been an expensive hormonal freak out.

So now if they could just stop whining at each other about everything I could remember how much I loved their names.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Sophomore Scream

Year 2 of teaching preschool is in the bag and I don't mean to brag but I did pretty good. I avoided the sophomore slump nicely.


Fact: My parents cheered the loudest at the graduation ceremony. (I didn't even have to pay them)

Opinion: My kids were the greatest. (although the other kids were pretty awesome too.)

Fact: Without my trusty side kick Robin I wouldn't be able to be so awesome.

Opinion: I'm pretty good at this. (At least I hope I am.)

So let the summer begin. It's time to get my tan on. (PS Remember sunblock is your friend!)

Before I let my brain cook in the Southern sun I want to remind you of a few things.


1. Glitter is like the sand of crafting. It gets everywhere and no matter how hard you try there is always a little more.

2. Hugs from small children are great. Even better are hugs that come with sweet words.

3. You can build up a tolerance to snot. Not something I wanted to learn.

4. I've never met a child that didn't like goldfish crackers.

5. Coloring with crayons is very calming.

6. Pretty band-aids are the cause of more injuries than old benches.

7. If you bring me a cup of coffee I can be swayed to do, or forgive, just about anything. Bubbly water also works.

So have a fun summer kids and if you remember only one thing from my class make sure it's that being yourself and being weird is better than normal everyday of the week.


Monday, May 26, 2014

Meat is tasty Murder

This weekend isn't about barbecues and long weekends.

It's about freedom and the people who selflessly provide it for you. The people who wait at home for someone who may or may not return. The people who get paid less than the fry guy at McDonald's to be away from their family for months, possibly years at a time.

But this isn't that blog so we are going to talk about food because no one comes here for political rants. Although I can try some if you want. I'm pretty good at ranting in general in case that wasn't obvious.

Seriously though, THANK A VETERAN!!



Now on to the stories about meat.

In an attempt to be healthier red meat is a rarity in this house but despite my earlier tirade we did attend two barbecues this weekend. Both included some super yummy food and burgers.

I love a good burger.

I don't mean some factory made meat patty. I'm talking hand formed, spiced to perfection beef.


This is the awesome part though.

There are a lot of subtle signs of friendship. Some of my favorite are the little things. Knowing how someone takes their coffee. Knowing their favorite movie. Favorite color.

The pinnacle of this weird info though is knowing how someone likes their burger.

Twice this weekend I was presented with burgers that were cooked to my version of perfection.

By the way, that is rare. I mean so rare that a skilled veterinarian could possibly resuscitate it.  I don't care about salmonella or e coli or food poisoning. I like to live dangerously and obviously the people I love most know this about me.

So thank you for my mooing burgers and for knowing me. You guys are the best.

Happy Memorial Day!!!