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Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Red Ants are Satan's Minions

So I live in the South now. It's pretty great. And not just because I live here.

The people are friendly and kind. (Obviously not all of them, but certainly a large percentage.) We get to put our Christmas lights up in shorts, I don't have to worry about driving to work after shoveling 2 feet of snow and parking is ridiculously cheap.

But it's not all rainbows and unicorns.


There are a lot of poisonous snakes. Not compared to Australia, but more than there were in NJ. For the most part I'm not running into them in my yard though so it doesn't really affect my daily life. The red ants however are not cool! Not cool at all.

They build these ridiculous mounds of awful red clay and when I mow the lawn they get launched into the air where they will inevitable land on me and bite me.

Yeah that's right they bite. I'm no entomologist but for a bug about the size of a grain of rice they have very sharp mouths or stingers? and poison. Or venom, or some other sort of bug slime that makes you itch like a leper!

Since we have moved here I have become very well acquainted with their wrath.

None so much as the other day though.

While the kids and I were swimming we left our cooler bag in the shade by our towel. When it was time to leave I went to grab it only to realize the damn thing was swarming with those tiny evil red bastards. I attempted to swat them off first only to realize the futility of my action. So I gave up and tossed the entire bag into the pool. Of course I didn't do this fast enough to avoid the 5 bites from the vicious demons.

They itch sooo much!!!

Also I have no self control so I itch them until they bleed. It isn't pretty.

It did remind me of this one awesome episode of Macguyver where some South American town was overrun with these man eating ants. It was a like a SyFy movie of the week except at one point Macguyver made a boat out of some soda cans and an old sofa (I'm pretty sure that didn't happen but it was a long time ago so who knows. It's not like Macguyver couldn't make a boat out of soda cans and a sofa. He's Macguyver!)

 
Poor Charlie gets eaten by ants. That can't be a good way to go.


So I just checked if Macguyver was on Netflix and you'll be happy to know it is. I'm thinking about starting from Season 1 Episode 1 and reliving all the paperclip bomb defusing and explosions made out of household cleaners and yarn. (Was MacGuyver a bit of a pyro?)

Of course that is after I slather on another coat of anti itch cream so I don't itch my way down the the bone.

1 comment:

  1. MacGyver is a Calgary Flames fan? The shame. The only way that is even close to being acceptable is if he was a fan of Lanny McDonald. That guy ROCKED the mustache!

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