There is a spider not of this earth on my gutter.
You know how Australia is always talking about all the the crazy shit that can kill you?
We laugh and breath deep. Resting easy in the knowledge that the list of murderous creatures in North America is short and most are pretty easy to avoid.
Don't want to get eaten by a shark?
Don't go in the ocean.
Don't want to get eaten by a bear?
Don't go in the woods.
Simple solutions to stay alive.
Sure every once and while someone posts a video of a moose trying to attack a car but mostly we have an agreement with our animal population. You stay out of our cities and we won't shoot you and mount your head on our walls.
Forget about bugs. We have maybe three or four that anyone has to worry about.
Three or Four.
Mostly it's just those asshole wasps. You know the ones that contribute nothing but will sting you for looking at them funny?
Yeah those guys are dicks!
Anyway.
Right now there is a prehistoric spider on the gutter of my house.
We will be employing a live and let live attitude as long as he agrees to stay at least ten feet from my porch. This isn't a binding agreement as he refuses to sign the documents I had drawn up but I think he gets that I'm serious. I was holding a flip flop during our negotiations and although I didn't say it out loud he knows what I will do with it if he forces my hand.
That nope is absolutely planning to visit you in your sleep. Please tell me you know how to improvise a flame thrower.
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