Parenting 101

This is not a political post!!

I repeat. This is NOT a political post.

Although since my 12 step plan to make you a better parent will help create better humans it could serve as a way to improve this country.

Just kidding. It isn't 12 steps. I would have totally quit at 6 maybe 7. Alright 3. I would have quit after 3.

That's why my parenting technique is only one step.  ONE STEP

Seriously, I've made this easy.

Are you ready for it? I need you to pay attention. This is important.

DON'T RAISE AN ASSHOLE!!

That is literally all I'm trying to do. 

Should one of them cure cancer or initiate peace in the middle east that would just be a bonus. 

All I'm really looking for is little humans who don't think the world owes them everything. 

Who don't try and find offence in every little thing. 

Who can have a conversation with someone who disagrees with them without using name calling and Hitler comparisons.

SIDE NOTE: Hitler actually killed MILLIONS of people. MILLIONS. He didn't raise or lower taxes or insult your favorite band. 

I just want kids who understand that the only way to get anything is through hard work. And here is the shitty part. Sometimes you work as hard as you can and you still lose. It sucks! But this is life.

I wants kids who won't cry when they lose and claim the system is rigged. (PS even if it is rigged, complaining about it is useless. On the other hand, doing something is an actual solution to something you find unfair.)

I need kids who will grow up and not come crying to me the first time their boss doesn't high five them for doing their job. There are no participation trophies in life.

So that's it folks. That's the whole 12 step program.


Try not to raise an asshole.


I figure if we all try this approach the world will be a much nicer place.

NINJA RESUME/CV?

So here's a thing.

I got a gold medal.

Not like an Olympic Gold medal, although I can see where you might be confused since we did just wrap up the Olympics.

Nope I wasn't in RIO, although if I was I probably still would have come home with a gold medal.

FYI there was a bunch of 40 + Olympians. Including a 42 year old lady from Great Britain that is running in her 5TH Olympics!!!!

Obviously we all know about my Ninja Resume.

Right now it is way move impressive than the regular one.

(I just got distracted by calling it a resume instead of a CV because I didn't know what CV stood for so of course I had to head over to google to look it up and now I'm thinking I want to call it my Ninja CV because that sounds cooler plus makes more sense. But that would take forever to update the links and the references and who has that kind of time? AND THIS IS WHY I NEVER GET ANYTHING DONE.)

Back on topic. I was talking about my GOLD (hell yeah all caps) medal.

You may remember back in April I got broken because when you are about to turn 40 you can convince yourself that anything and everything you do is a statement to the world about how you are not growing older. Certainly that you are not getting smarter.

Possibly both.

Well according to the Doctor who turned me into a cyborg, my wrist wouldn't be at full strength by the end of May when I had agreed to enter a BJJ (Brazilian Jui Jitsu) tournament. (please see above for REASONS)

Instead I was forced to sit on the sidelines while other people avoided armbars. Or attempted armbars. It was frustrating. On the one hand I was so very proud of the people who competed but on the other I was SITTING.

Something that I don't like doing anymore.

But time heals all wounds. Although I think that is talking about metaphysical stuff. Broken hearts and the like. It might be a bit too literal to talk about actual wounds.

Whatever, This is my blog and I can use metaphors however I like.

Yeah that's right. I'm the boss here!


Where was I going with this?

Oh Yeah! I remember. I won GOLD.

Actually my whole team did. Pretty awesome right.

First place overall as a team. Pretty impressive I think. That's why I train with these people.

That and because when you find people who will send you stuff like this you know you need to keep them around.

arachnophobia, not the movie

Super quick post.

There is a spider not of this earth on my gutter.


You know how Australia is always talking about all the the crazy shit that can kill you?

We laugh and breath deep. Resting easy in the knowledge that the list of murderous creatures in North America is short and most are pretty easy to avoid.

Don't want to get eaten by a shark?

Don't go in the ocean.

Don't want to get eaten by a bear?

Don't go in the woods.

Simple solutions to stay alive.

Sure every once and while someone posts a video of a moose trying to attack a car but mostly we have an agreement with our animal population. You stay out of our cities and we won't shoot you and mount your head on our walls.


Forget about bugs. We have maybe three or four that anyone has to worry about.

Three or Four.

Mostly it's just those asshole wasps. You know the ones that contribute nothing but will sting you for looking at them funny?

Yeah those guys are dicks!

Anyway.

Right now there is a prehistoric spider on the gutter of my house.

We will be employing a live and let live attitude as long as he agrees to stay at least ten feet from my porch. This isn't a binding agreement as he refuses to sign the documents I had drawn up but I think he gets that I'm serious. I was holding a flip flop during our negotiations and although I didn't say it out loud he knows what I will do with it if he forces my hand.

RANTING!

Behold! I am about to have my first old lady rant.

Sure I know I'm not really old. I wasn't fishing for compliments.

        Although I also won't stop you from giving them if that is the kind of mood you're in today.

I went to a wedding last month. My youngest brother got married. No blog post about that though because as far as fodder for my crazy it was barren. In other words it was a perfectly lovely wedding with lovely speeches and dancing and smiling, happy people.

There was a guy playing the drums along with the DJ. YES JUST DRUMS. But I was informed by younger people that this is common now. Being out of the wedding circuit I wasn't aware so I guess I will just have to take their word for it.

Jeez!!

That was a serious sidetrack. Although since I was mentioning about how I don't know what the cool kids are doing these day because I'm old it kind of fits with the overall theme right?

Whatever.

In getting ready for the wedding I was trying to figure out what my kids should wear. Obviously Triple S would be wearing a suit. It was a wedding for Pete's sake!!

We aren't SAVAGES!!

I got to talking about clothing and what is appropriate for what. Like job interviews or Broadway shows or Thanksgiving dinner. This all started because some 'kid' (he was probably in his 20's) was teaching a parkour class in jeans. WTF?

Apparently they were special jeans and he could still jump and flip in them, or whatever else you are supposed to do in parkour besides be insane.

But he was still 'interviewing ' for the coaching position. Hence the talk about interviews.

Now obviously this kid shouldn't be wearing a suit but shouldn't he look like he was ready to exercise?

Jeans, no matter what kind of special ones they are, just seemed weird.

Then I started talking about how when we go to a wedding Triple S won't take his jacket off until the groom does. It's protocol or some other such sign of respect.

Pause for me to look this up on the internet. 

Holy crap that was boring. So I couldn't really find anything beyond Yahoo Answers and that is like checking web MD. Everything ends with Cancer.

Either way Scott has always done this.

I know times change but I guess I just think certain things are important.

Then again people used to dress up to fly and the idea that not only would I be sausaged in a tiny seat with strangers but also forced to wear uncomfortable shoes with them is tantamount to waterboarding.

(I've never been waterboarded but I have flown on a FULL flight with a FUCKING chicken!!!)

I guess not all change is bad.

Old Lady rant OVER. Flip flops for everything!!!

I'm Fixed...

Notice I got rid of the question mark and added some ellipsis. (Yeah, I had to look up what that was called, at least I knew it had a name though right?)

So I just got back from my check up where I was cleared by my Doc to resume normal activity.

I think he was confused though because I resumed "normal" activity about 2 days after surgery (my preschoolers need me!) and started resuming MY activity a few days after that.

This is me exactly one week out from surgery back in Krav Maga.

Sure maybe it wasn't a great idea but going insane also wasn't the best option.

Besides. I was careful and as you can see from the picture I wore a brace.

Of course that brace didn't last for long and about a week after that I started back at cross-fit too.

And carrying children.


Don't freak out. I modified and scaled stuff down. I even listened to my body and didn't do stuff that made my wrist throb. That's almost like being a good patient.

ALMOST.

It's at this point that I can only imagine Triple S is cursing under his breath and wondering what the hell is wrong with me.  There are now 206 posts on this blog trying to figure that out and we don't have time to recap so lets just sum up by saying LOTS.

reason 207:

Yesterday I did a 1/2 Murph. 

If you're mumbling under your breath about how I drank the cross-fit cool-aid you're probably right but that doesn't mean you shouldn't know who this workout is named for.

I scaled the bejesus out of it but got it done.

I have a point and I swear I'm getting there. Really.

Today the Doc was impressed with my recovery. Apparently my range of motion is awesome for this point in my recovery. The only problem with all of that is it just reinforced that I can continue to be crazy person. 

PS I did listen and accept that I can't grapple this coming weekend. :-(


PPS I'm 40 now and as further proof I need help this is how I celebrated my birthday.

GIANT BOXING GLOVES!!!

I'm fixed?

Remember when I told you all about my FIRST broken bone? 

Well it's 'fixed' now. Or it's improved like bionic style.

This is the surgery, not mine but the same thing.

That isn't what this is about though.

Even if you've never had surgery I'm sure you still know about the no food or drink after midnight. It's the same rule as Gremlins. And since you are a huge fan of this blog you also know that I get HANGRY. Well if you mix that in with my lack of coffee it was a rough morning.

At some point while I was hanging out in my beautiful hospital gown some one walked by with the above mentioned drink of the gods. Broken wrist or not I was pretty sure I could take them.

This was when the anesthesiologist asked me about how much coffee I drink. I admit I got a little cagey because I was worried that they would cancel my surgery. I mean the nurse told me I wasn't even allowed to chew gum, crazy town!

She wasn't trying to trap me in a lie though. She was making sure I didn't have a caffeine headache from the lack of coffee.  I am one of those weirdos that LOVES coffee but can go days without drinking it and still not have a problem.

However if I did have a headache she was prepared to give me caffeine in my IV.

Yes, you read that right.  A COFFEE IV!!!!!!!

I have a bionic wrist and coffee IV is a real thing. Basically the world is full of rainbows and unicorns. Although this could be the drugs talking?

I'm broken

Remember last week when I told you all about some lunatic that ran 100 miles?

Of course you do.

That is the sort of thing that sticks with you, perhaps even haunts you.

Well today I ran the Spartan. Again. You might remember I did this 3 years ago.

I was ready for today. I'm in better shape, stronger and faster.

I'm also OLDER. 

shakes an angry fist at father time. MEN!

About two thirds of the way through I scaled a ten foot wall and on the way down I tumbled and.......Well I'll just let this picture explain.

Yup. that is a broken wrist.

So whatever, that happens. People do stupid things and get hurt all the time.

OTHER PEOPLE!! Not me. I'm invincible. 

OK maybe not invincible but while I was getting x rayed I had some time to think. I've never had an x ray. At least not one in all the years I've been old enough to remember.

That's crazy.  

NEVER had an x ray? That's just a shame because look how pretty my bones are.

SELFISH. Very selfish.  So you're welcome. I did this for you.

100 miles

This isn't a post about that Proclaimers song.

Not sure what is more upsetting. 1) that by typing that, the song is now stuck in my head or 2) that I knew the Proclaimers sang it without having to look it up? It's a toss up really.

Whatever.

Have you ever run?

Not from something or because you were late but for FUN? Weird right?

Apparently people do it all the time. 5ks, half marathons, full marathons. There is actually a race that is 100 miles long.

Yes you read that right. A nice jog that can take you 24 hours to complete. Doesn't that sound like FUN? Seriously FUN right?

Obviously I'm not going to be doing that.

This weekend though someone I know did.

I'll give you a second to wrap your brain around that. 24 hours of running.

So I signed up to get text notifications of their progress. Cool right? I thought so too but because that would be a lame blog post I've decided to juxtapose my day to their progress.

By the time I was brushing my teeth they had already run 12 and a half miles and while brushing my teeth was hard, It's possible they were working harder. Possible.

Almost 1000 am and I've already taught a bunch of small children how to be ninjas and don't forget where I brushed my teeth. Ate some breakfast and drank some coffee too.

Now it's my turn to exercise. Sure they have already run 25 miles but I'm going to run in a tiny circle for like ten whole minutes.

I needed a break after all that running so I took the kids to Dunkin Donuts. Remember I ran for ten minutes. Plus there was the ninja training and the teeth brushing. It's been a long day.

Pretty sure they have run farther than all the driving I've done so far today. Whatever. I ran for ten minutes.

Okay time for some pinterest level crafting. I took apart this dresser and refinished it.

Still running?  Yup Still running.

Pretty sure I'm being more productive.

Next project is a flower box. I carried those 4x6 pieces of arsenic treated wood with my bare hands after I cut them. Yeah. There was shoveling too and some other stuff but I don't remember.

50 miles? that's not possible right? Surely the little GPS tracker has been attached to a migrating deer or a CAR!!

Paint's dry. Luckily I had time for a quick trip to Lowes to get some shiny new hardware. Better get these attached so that I can get dinner started.

Children have been fed and are upstairs quietly. Time to chill. Morris Chesnut is uber charming on this show.

Does that say 62 miles? That's almost 3 back to back marathons.

It's at this point that I start texting a mutual friend about the insanity that is the fact that this person has been running since 6 am!!!!

Did you know I have a movie room? Yeah Triple S built it for me and obviously it is the only place to watch Transporter 3 with my children. It was hard staying awake but I made it.

Bed Time. I'm super tired. I've had a busy day.

So I shut off my text alerts because sleep is precious to me. Plus I was really tired thanks to my super busy day. It felt like I had run a metaphorical marathon and while that isn't as impressive as literally running 4 marathons it's still impressive.

When I woke up I saw that I had missed a few texts. I did have a great dream about marshmallow shoes though so.....

Basically our days were pretty equal as far as energy expenditures.



Seriously though 100 miles. 100 miles. I cannot even fathom this. Not even in the zombie apocalypse. Not even if after I finished RDJ was waiting for me to take me to my trailer for my starring role in Avengers:Infinity Wars. There is no scenario I can come up with that makes this a good idea.

To everyone who ran and actually finished you people are freaking superheroes.

I can't....

Sure we are never supposed to say we can't do something. That is the thing we repeat over and over again to each little special snowflake, but the reality is there are somethings we can't do.

Okay maybe shouldn't is a better word.

Yeah, lets go with shouldn't.

YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.

Why are we talking about this you might be thinking? A perfectly reasonable thing to think since as of right now I've given you no context or background and maybe you're starting to think I've finally snapped and sure that is possible but not likely right now.

Right now I'm talking about this because I got a massage today.

A very special treat I only indulge in about once a year.

As usually it was awesome but it got me thinking.

Masseur is NOT the job for me.

Not because I don't want to touch other people. Nope. Although I can admit that isn't that appealing. Instead it's because my hands are ALWAYS cold. Right now as I type this I am sitting on the couch in shorts and a t shirt. The window is open and there is a cool breeze. I am very comfortable. No need to pull the blanket off the back of the couch and get snuggly. I'm GTG (good to go).

BUT I can guarantee, despite all of that, my hands are like ice.

Normally this doesn't effect my day. Although I'm pretty sure Triple S would disagree as he is usually employed as my de facto hand warmer.

But that is because my job isn't to sooth people's tired muscles. No one wants COLD hands on them. It just wouldn't work.

So sure I guess I COULD be a masseur but I sure wouldn't be a good one.

40!!!!!!!!!!!

So I've skirted around the age thing here a bit. Not so much because I care but because I'm SUPPOSED to care.

It's one of those things women are not allowed to talk about.

The other is of course weight.

My kids have been obsessed with age for a long as I can remember. They know better than I do how old Triple S will turn this year and they sure as hell know how old I'm going to be.

SPOILER ALERT it's 40.

In case you didn't figure that out yet.

I'm a bicentennial baby. That's a thing you know. Before there were state quarters there were bicentennial quarters. 1976 In case you didn't want to do the math. The year the country turned 200. Luckily I'm not that old. Or unlucky? Not sure If I'd want to live that long.

Whatever. Back on topic.

40 is the new 30 or 20? I'm not sure. I'm also not sure why I'm supposed to freak out.  Sure there are more lines on my face than there were last year and me and hair color aren't just friends anymore. It's more of a codependent relationship. But .....

Wait where was I going with this?

Oh yeah. Who cares.

I have a great life. A husband who supports my craziness. Kids who have never had to be "scared straight" and not one but two jobs I love. Not to mention some of the greatest friends a grown woman could ask for.

That sounds a bit like I'm protesting too much plus there was a distinct lack of sarcasm. Maybe my age is maturing me?

Probably not though since I'm typing this in a Wolverine T-shirt.

Activity Specific Music

So cool news. I teach martial arts AGAIN. New twist. I actually get paid this time.  Crazy right? As if the preschool foolishness wasn't enough. Nope. Now it's play dough mornings and arm bar nights.

BEST LIFE EVER.

Okay done with that!

So along with this cool new thing I've been making playlists like its my job.

OH WAIT, IT IS!!! (so cool)

So obviously when you are trying to push yourself to work harder you need good music.

No ENYA.

That just isn't going to cut it.

One of my favorite motivational go to songs is THUNDERSTRUCK.

It makes you want to push harder. It makes me think I can run a little further, hit a little harder, jump a little higher. Basically be Superwoman.

It's also in a playlist that I like to listen to with the windows down while I drive fast.

That's it though.

When else would anyone listen to AC/DC?

Folding laundry?

Yoga?

Mowing the lawn?

Singing?

SIDE NOTE: These are all things I have playlists for. Seriously. I'm obsessed with music. 

So I guess my question is are there any other songs that are very activity specific? Song that only work for one thing?

bumper stickers

The other day I was having a conversation about road rage. A friend was telling me about an article he read that concluded if you had bumper stickers you were more likely to have road rage.  The reason was that by putting stickers on your car it became an extension of yourself, therefore any incident involving the car was a personal affront.

Made logical sense.

SIDE NOTE: Because today I am not being lazy here is the article.

For the record I do have a sticker on my car but I've never had road rage. I've had road frustration or road annoyance but never rage.

this is my sticker. BROWNCOAT!!

I'll pause for you to try and fit that into your world view. I know it's weird. Like finding out the pope likes hunting. Some how it doesn't seem right.


I agree about the sticker making your car more personal. It isn't as permanent as a tattoo but it certainly isn't easy to get off. That is why political bumper stickers confuse me.

Beyond that though is the people who put them on crooked.

You love this candidate SO MUCH you are going to drive around town announcing it to everyone else on the road but you can't be bothered to make sure the dam sticker is straight?

I find this unsettling.

So here is your PSA:

I don't care who you vote for or whether or not you want everyone to coexist (in a religious or sci fi way) or maybe you want to let everyone know Timmy loves soccer. Whatever.

Please, for the love of god, just take 2 extra seconds to make sure you are putting the sticker on straight.

This message has been approved by the committee to stop stupid. Our work is never over so we can never rest.