Stop Judging me PHONE!!

So my phone has this built in app that tracks my activity. You can enter your weight and your food and water and basically it will tell you when to put the cookie down and walk around a bit.

It will even track your heart-rate and stress level.

At this point I know you are yelling at me that you aren't a Luddite and you are aware of all the cool things phones can do now. I know. Sorry. Just in case.

This isn't a tech lesson though.

This is the rant of a crazy person who talks to her phone.

You see it tells me when I'm on target to achieve my active minutes. The only problem being that I don't normally have my phone on me while I'm exercising so it inevitable yells at me about how lazy I'm being as I'm walking out of the gym dripping in sweat.

Take this morning. 30 minutes jogging on the god awful treadmill (at a pace a snail would sneer at) and just as I finish wiping up my puddle the dam thing tells me I need to pick up the pace if I'm going to hit my goal.

I didn't give the damn thing a goal nor did I ask it to silently judge me.

Piss off Phone.

Still Your Mind

So this isn't the first time I've talked about trying to be a fitter me.

Recently though, I've switched up some things. Including Yoga in my routine to try and balance the abuse I take at Krav Maga. Or trying to see how many dichotomys I can include. Who knows.

It's really hard to know why I do anything.

So back to Yoga. It's great. All Namaste and stretching.

I've always been a reasonably flexible person but Yoga is something else. There are always a few ladies who can totally human pretzel themselves but none of this is important.

What is important is Shavasana.

Yeah yeah yeah. I know we don't all speak Yogi.

It's the rest at the end of class and apparently the "hardest practice" in yoga. At least that is what the instructor always says.

FYI everything in Yoga is a "practice" kind of like medicine. 

The point it just to lay there and clear your mind.

The second part of that sentence is the hard part.

My inner monologue while I tried to "count my breaths" (that is how we are supposed to stay focused on nothing, if that's possible), is very disjointed.

I think most people probably have a hard time shutting down their to do list and the things that they are currently worrying about. Normal things like college funds and dry cleaning pick up.

Not me. Not that you are surprised by this.

So here is a peak inside my mind while I am trying to keep it still.



1   2   3   4 exhale

1   2   3   4 inhale

think about nothing. think about nothing.

Nothing

Nothing

Is this what it was like for the Ghostbusters?

 I'm feeling pretty sympathetic to Ray right now.

back to breathing stupid.

1   2   3   4 inhale

1   2   3   4 exhale

nothing nothing

be still, chill. veg out. Like Broccoli.

Can you imagine what it would have been like if he had thought about a unicorn?

breathing, counting, breathing, counting

relax

relax

My mind is blank

Blank Blank

Tabula Rasa

Latin is weird. Not as weird as Shakespeare but weird.

There is no Shakespeare stuff in my house. Maybe I should search pinterest for a project?

Dammit! 

1   2   3   4 inhale

1   2   3   4 exhale

I should totally write a blog about the fact that I can't stop thinking weird stuff while I am supposed to be meditating. Wait is meditating the same as Shavasana?  Because sometimes we do both and they are separate things? Although They feel the same except one is when I am sitting and one and when I am laying down.

1   2   3   4 inhale

1   2   3   4 exhale

Oh she's wringing the bell. We're done. toe wiggling time!!!



Would it be considered META that I am now writing a blog about how I was thinking about writing a blog and now you're reading that blog?

Either way. At no point did I think about my to do list or what I was going to cook for dinner or if I had left the porch light on that morning.

So good luck the next time you have to clear your mind. Hopefully the fate of the world won't rely on your ability to think about nothing.

Binging (I checked. That's how you spell it.)

I want to add an 'e' so it doesn't look like I'm talking about BING. Cause I'm not.

This is not a post about poor eating habits either. Although I could do that.

I'm going to talk about Netflix.


It's summer so most regular TV is on a break. It's the perfect time to drown yourself in an entire TV series. I love Netflix. It is an amazing thing to be able to watch a movie whenever the hell you want.

Remember when I was a kid we had to wait until it came on TV and it would be "modified for content" or butchered for language and worse still it was cut so it  would fit on the screen. Remember I'm old and TV screens used to be a different size than movies.

It seems like this should have been fixed a lot sooner but alas we were forced to only see half the movie. Sometimes it wouldn't mater and others it would seems like the cinematography was a big fan of panning back and forth.

WOW. sorry but that was some serious rambling.

Back on topic. I love Netflix but I can't binge watch it. If I know a whole season is available I'll watch 2 or 3 episodes then I will want to cut to the end. This is especially bad if I know Netflix has the entire series.

I'm not saying I wont go back and watch the rest of the show at some point but I just want to cut to the chase.

Hmmm sexual tension between the two main characters on a show that ran for 6 seasons?

You know they aren't getting together till at least season 4 and then they will break up in season 5 and finally end up back together in season 6 to make the fans think everything ends with a happy note.

How about I just cut out all that drama and get to the good part?

Next episode? No thank you. I like to watch them out of order.

Maybe that's why I loved Firefly so much?

Hmm that's something to think about.

Something else to think about is the TIME SUCK that is pinterest I just spent 15 minutes looking for a simple poster of Firefly and instead pinned 4 movie quotes and 3 cross stitch patterns for Jayne's hat. Like I can cross stitch? 

Fry Everything!

I try to eat healthy.

I even like it most of the time. Seriously, I'm a fan of spinach.

I've mentioned in the past though that despite my best intentions, nothing is as good as a brownie.

Today my wonderful family went the Balloon Festival.

It was a rainbow explosion.

It was fun. Although there was this really annoying thing where you had to wait in line to buy tickets before you had to wait in line to use the before mentioned tickets to buy food. But I'm not going to get into that right now because the assbackwardness of it will give me a headache.

The launching of the Balloons. Rudderless flying machines.

After enjoying some delicious grape leaves (see healthy by choice) we watched as all the balloons started to inflate themselves. Triple S had a few tickets left so we decided to indulge but since we only had 5 tickets and I wasn't about to wait in the ticket line again we had a limited selection for our indulgence.

We settled on FRIED BROWNIES. Yeah you read that right. Fried brownies.

That's disgusting! I would never eat that.

Well then you will be missing out on the closest thing to ambrosia us mere humans can have. Seriously I think I saw Apollo in line in front of me. Or it could have been Hermes.

Placing bets on who would launch next.

Based on this experience I'm going to take out my fryer and everything is going into it. Seriously. Everything. I'll let you know how my experiments go.

PS Please note that the nerd in my couldn't resist using Greek gods after eating Greek food. Yeah, I'm really that insane.

PPS it took 2 FULL HOURS to get out of the parking lot. I love you NC but you people seriously need to nut up and merge! Stop being so dam nice and get your car out there.

I love these ridiculous little monsters.

I'm my own worst enemy sometimes

When I get stressed I have two options. Since I'm me though, it isn't as easy as that.

Option one is I go to the gym and sweat.

Option two is brownies. Although really any chocolate will do.


Since I'm sitting home waiting for a phone call option one is out.....

Damn you sweet tooth!

Damn you straight to hell! 

I try not to self sabotage but sometimes I just really need a brownie!

How come salad doesn't taste like chocolate? Or kale chips? Or some other such healthy treat. And don't start in with your list of substitutes. Sure there is stuff that will curb my sweet tooth on a regular day but nothing tastes as good as a brownie. Nothing.

Yum?

I feel myself calming already.

I need to add to that list before my kids get to be teenagers or I'm going to be pulling a Sisyphus.