Thursday, January 24, 2013

I cut a B*tch

Okay actually I cut some hair but that isn't a very interesting title.

I'm getting older.

We're all getting older Captain Obvious.

I don't mean in some sort of existential crisis way, I mean I yelled at some "kids" the other day to stop screwing around. It's like I don't even know me anymore.

Hey stop rambling about "the good old days" and get to the point.

(my inner voice is in a foul mood today)

No I'm not. You're just rambling because you know this isn't going to be a long post.

I'm not sure what you are talking about.

Side note: I am calling this rambling a blogabuster. You know like a filibuster but for blogging. Genius right?

Yeah right! Stop wasting space and post the picture!


Check out the new do!
 So I guess the point is I got a hair cut. Although that seems like a bit of an understatement. I got it all cut off.

I like it. Still not sure if I love it. I do love the part where even though I am OLD I still take chances. Plus it's only hair and it will grow back.

Change is good.

Based on the new hair cut and the concept that change is good I changed the name of the blog too.


It's my twitter "handle" (is that what the kids call it?), it's also my name on instagram, my email and my rapper name.

Okay that last one isn't true.

So what do you think, about the haircut, the blog, the debt ceiling? Or any other incendiary topic.

Are you done rambling?

Some people talk to themselves. I have a tendency to argue. Totally normal.

Keep telling yourself that.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Hospital Beds are Lumpy!

Now that I have your attention.

It's been a fun filled few days.

What started as a tummy bug and a missed day of school ended with a missing body part.

Got you sitting on the edge of your seat?

Worried that one of us is going to need to learn to eat with our toes? (PS if it was me, I totally could)

Concerned that there was some sort of Tug Boat accident?

Muhaha (that's how you type an evil laugh. Seriously. Say it a few times and rub your hands together. Or pet a Persian cat if you have one handy. An eye patch is always a nice touch.)

OK, alright. I'll stop dragging this out!


She is rocking that cap.

Not sure why that is a big deal since every thing I can find online (thank you Internet) says it's a useless body part anyway. Too bad we are never going to be able to sell her as "mint" or "all original parts". Small price to pay for yet another interesting story about the Douglas Family.

First a few things I would like to yell about in no particular order.

1) Thanks but I know you can't get an IV wet. She held her arm out of the shower. It's not like it was a large stall. Pretty sure her arm would have stayed dry no matter what.
Doesn't really look sick does she?

2) Call the guy! Call him after your second try. Not your third or I'm going to get all mama bear on you. You know the guy I'm talking about. The one they call when the regular nurse can't figure out where your veins are but insists on stabbing you over and over.

3) You don't validate parking? WTF hospital? Seriously not a cool move at all. What charging rates that would made a 5 star hotel blush isn't enough? You have to get another 10$ out of me?
Seriously she has appendicitis. I'm not kidding.

4) To the x-ray tech who got my Bruce Banner Gamma radiation remarks after he explained to me why they don't like to do CAT scans on kids unless they have to I say thank you! You are awesome. Although if Natalie did turn into the Hulk that would be pretty cool too.

5) Also I'm sorry to all the random people who encounter me on a regular basis and have to try and figure out if I'm serious or not.  (Shhhhh I'll give you a hint. I'm usually not) Yes you are about to operate of my sweet baby and sure most moms probably get nervous and teary eyed. I'm not normal so sorry about joking about ruining her ability to wear a bikini.

So I could write a play by play of what went down but Triple S already did that and although he wasn't there he is pretty accurate. No more or less than your typical history text book.

So happy Wednesday. Or is it Tuesday? It so hard to keep track of this crap!
this is AFTER surgery.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Reverse Alcoholism

If you have spent any time with me in a social setting you are probably aware that I don't drink. Like Ever.

Well except for a champagne toast. I will not be the reason you join the 50% of failed marriages!

49%? Whatever the statistic is up to now.

I don't have a problem with anyone else drinking. Enjoy yourself! Let loose. Hell black out for all I care. It's just not my cup of tea. Or glass of wine. Whatever.

These are the kinds of things that sober people do at parties .

I realize this is weird. I'm in my 30's. Shut up! I dont have to say my real age every time. Having never had a drink is not normal. Have you been paying attention? There really isn't anything normal about me.

There was a point in my "wacky" childhood when everyone else started sneaking a drink at parties. Going to China Town and getting a fake ID. Getting an older sibling to go to the liquor store for a ridiculous profit margin.

If I get really deep I can talk about life being out of control and not wanting to loose control of myself  but I'm not that deep and this isn't that Blog. Lets save introspection for twitter and instagram with fancy filters.

So since you are never going to see me intoxicated I can share this with you.

Three things make me crazy.

1 Over hydration. Too much water and I go LOCO!

2 Pain. When I am truly in pain I get a nice case of the giggles. (Think kidney stones or internal bleeding, both stories for another day)

3 Over tired. When I am sleepy everything is hysterical to me. Seriously I will even laugh at Carrot Top, and not in an ironic way.

Triple S and I were sitting on the couch catching up with Steven Colbert and John Stewart. His attention was split between the TV and his laptop.  After a while my attention was divided too.

Watching silly videos and and De-motivational posters. (It's an exciting life we lead.)

He made me watch this video:

Now to be fair this chick is funny or I wouldn't have bothered to include it but my reaction was a bit of an overreaction.

So to steal a phrase from Mr Stewart, there is your moment of zen. Enjoy.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

3rd Christmas

It's kind of like second breakfast only better.

As many of my faithful readers know (and some random people who stumble upon this insanity) Triple S was on the tugboat for Christmas. This is nothing new. He misses a lot of things being stuck on the boat.

Christmas Eve Anticipation

 Including the birth of our son, but that is a story for another day.

The cool part about this is sometimes we celebrate things multiple times.

Who doesn't like 2 birthdays? Or 2 Thanksgivings?

This year we got 3 Christmases.

The kids and I celebrated once on the 25th. Waking up to a full tree of presents that Santa had left.

They chose to not open anything till dad got home (insert proud mom moment). They did however open their stockings and a few presents that friends had sent. Then we were off to another friend's house for a lovely dinner.

and I though we DIDN'T go crazy this year

Second Christmas was celebrated when Triple S got off the boat and Grandma and Grandpa arrived from their crazy road trip from NH.

For some crazy reason they decided to take the interior route from New Hampshire to North Carolina instead of hugging the coast even though there was a nice snow storm in Pennsylvania. I don't judge. SHUT UP. I don't.

If you're Russian and reading this sorry, I tried altering a few maps but I guess I'm not very handy with photo shop.

There was presents and food and much rejoicing.

Yeah she has red eye, I was too lazy to fix it.

I was a crazy cooking machine for an entire week while MIL (mother in law) and FIL (father in law) were here. It's possible that I have some latent inferiority complex that makes me try and prove to them I am worthy of their son.


I'm funny.

Nope. It was just that I got a new apron, new Pyrex, and a new whisk. More proof that I'm not normal. Some of my other presents included a scale and sneakers. (all happily received) I know. WEIRD. Like you're really shocked.

So back to the point of this. I just got back from my neighbors house where we had Third Christmas. It's kind of like Three Kings day but with less religious overtones.

There was a giant spiral honey ham and lots and lots of side dishes. Because nothing says Third Christmas like ham.

You can't argue. How many of you celebrated Third Christmas this weekend?

my "mouthy" daughter

 The other day at Jiu Jitsu some dads commented on my daughter's "back talk". "If I'd have talked to my mother like t...