Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Red Ants are Satan's Minions

So I live in the South now. It's pretty great. And not just because I live here.

The people are friendly and kind. (Obviously not all of them, but certainly a large percentage.) We get to put our Christmas lights up in shorts, I don't have to worry about driving to work after shoveling 2 feet of snow and parking is ridiculously cheap.

But it's not all rainbows and unicorns.

There are a lot of poisonous snakes. Not compared to Australia, but more than there were in NJ. For the most part I'm not running into them in my yard though so it doesn't really affect my daily life. The red ants however are not cool! Not cool at all.

They build these ridiculous mounds of awful red clay and when I mow the lawn they get launched into the air where they will inevitable land on me and bite me.

Yeah that's right they bite. I'm no entomologist but for a bug about the size of a grain of rice they have very sharp mouths or stingers? and poison. Or venom, or some other sort of bug slime that makes you itch like a leper!

Since we have moved here I have become very well acquainted with their wrath.

None so much as the other day though.

While the kids and I were swimming we left our cooler bag in the shade by our towel. When it was time to leave I went to grab it only to realize the damn thing was swarming with those tiny evil red bastards. I attempted to swat them off first only to realize the futility of my action. So I gave up and tossed the entire bag into the pool. Of course I didn't do this fast enough to avoid the 5 bites from the vicious demons.

They itch sooo much!!!

Also I have no self control so I itch them until they bleed. It isn't pretty.

It did remind me of this one awesome episode of Macguyver where some South American town was overrun with these man eating ants. It was a like a SyFy movie of the week except at one point Macguyver made a boat out of some soda cans and an old sofa (I'm pretty sure that didn't happen but it was a long time ago so who knows. It's not like Macguyver couldn't make a boat out of soda cans and a sofa. He's Macguyver!)

Poor Charlie gets eaten by ants. That can't be a good way to go.

So I just checked if Macguyver was on Netflix and you'll be happy to know it is. I'm thinking about starting from Season 1 Episode 1 and reliving all the paperclip bomb defusing and explosions made out of household cleaners and yarn. (Was MacGuyver a bit of a pyro?)

Of course that is after I slather on another coat of anti itch cream so I don't itch my way down the the bone.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Acting: How hard can it be.

Sometimes I'm watching a movie and I think I could act. It can't be that hard right? I mean some of us spend a lot of our time 'acting' already.

That smile you offer the mom at the playground when she tells you about little Bobby winning the spelling bee and speaking french.

The concerned nod you offer the lady at the grocery store who tells you about her knee surgery even though you have no idea who she is and just because she is standing next to you doesn't mean you want her medical history.

The sad face you offer the lady at the gym when she tells you about her fish in pet heaven.

I'm sure you can come up with a thousand examples.

So good job Daniel Day Lewis for acting better than any other guy in 2012.

I would have crushed it as Lincoln and I'm not even a man.

I think this until Netflix suggests 'because I watched this I might like that'.

Today it told me to watch Cross.
Given incredible power by an ancient Celtic Cross. Callan continues to fight evil... Now, joined by a team of weapons experts, Callan battles an unstoppable empire in Los Angeles.

Now I have a slight confession to make.

I love cheesy movies. Especially cheesy hero movies.

The Shadow? Yeah I've watched it more than once.

So sure it looks cheesy but that isn't necessary a bad thing.

I got through 5 minutes. That's it. Opening scene is some dad offering his kid advise about the awesome bling the men in their family pass down. Fastforward 20 years and some lunatic cop is slapping awake a hospitalized teen because she witnessed something epic.

That was it. It was painful. Like high school Shakespeare bad. I punched out and advised Netflix of my displeasure. Lets see what they suggest next?

PS Sharknado is on tonight. I missed it the first time but not tonight! TIVO is all set to record it and we are going to watch it as a family. I will train my children in the art of MST3K.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Really? I Mean Really?

What the hell did I just watch?

Did she really just say "I don't need to bring a dude with me."?

I was only half paying attention until that part. I didn't even realize it was only women in the commercial.

Apparently all men know how to negotiate a car price. Maybe that's what they are learning in Sex Ed when they separate the boys and the girls?

I'm not going to say I'm offended by this because that is ludicrous. (The emotion. Not the rapper.) I will say it is shady though. 

There is a shiny new car in my driveway right now that I managed to purchase without any male assistance, unless you count Triple S watching the kids so that I could talk to the sales person without being interrupted every five seconds.

I'm not nice to negotiate with. I know what I want and what I don't want and what I'm willing to pay for it. No amount of shiny nobs or butons can hide a crap engine.

Obviously I have some car related issues. (Like this, or this, and this.) So I guess I should just be glad I don't need a dude to come with me for any of them?

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Work Out Till You Drop

Did anyone see that news story about the guy whose kidneys shut down after two days of P90X?
Matt and his girlfriend (via College Spun, http://aka.ms/p90x-hard)
I like how concerned his girlfriend is.

How hard to you have to push yourself to make that happen?

I only wonder because I'm apparently not that insane. When I am working out and it feels like I am going to die I SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. It seems like that's common sense.

So this isn't a real post just a public service announcement.

Push yourself but not to the point of death because that isn't sexy, trust me.

Unless you're a necrophiliac but that's even grosser. (is grosser a word?)

So remember. Drop Dead Gorgeous is an expression, not something we should take literally.

my "mouthy" daughter

 The other day at Jiu Jitsu some dads commented on my daughter's "back talk". "If I'd have talked to my mother like t...