Sleeping (perhaps it's my superpower)

Did you know I'm am a hateful person?

No?

Hmmm. Triple S thinks so.

Okay, he doesn't think that all the time only when it's bedtime.

Hmmmmm, That could be the beginning of a completely different blog. I'd better clarify.

He thinks I've made a pact with the Devil because I can fall asleep in 30 seconds. Seriously. Doesn't matter what time it is or how tired I am,  I've always been able to pass out like I was shot with a horse tranquilizer. Although I've never tried it I'm convinced I could sleep standing up.

In addition to this fantastic quality I can also sleep through just about anything.

Time for an example.

Triple S is a volunteer at the local fire department and as such he has a pager. Not like one the cool kids had in the 90's. This thing is ridiculously loud and noisy.

For obvious reasons it must be loud. Think about the worst alarm clock you've ever had and magnify it by ten then throw in a howling monkey and one of those internet famous screaming goats and you will be some where close to the level of annoying this thing achieves.

Did I mention it vibrates? Of course it does because if the screaming banshee like noise isn't enough the fact that it can also shatter glass with it's vibration will make sure you know someone needs help.  It's like the bat signal but less cool and way more ear splitting.

Now imagine it going off at 2 am and the person you are sleeping next to getting out of bed, getting dressed and leaving your home.

Now imagine that you don't wake up.

Yep. Nothing. Not even a grunt of acknowledgement. In fact it's so bad that I've woken up in the morning and harassed Triple S about being lazy only for him to inform me that he was gone from 1am till 6am at a fire.

Yup. Didn't know that happened.

It's more complicated than that though.

The following is a list of things that have woken me up:

The dogs collar jangling

The kids using the bathroom (upstairs and at the other side of the house)

A kitchen timer going off in the garage

A car idling on the street

Small daughter falling out of bed

A dead battery on a smoke detector


You know the beep that goes off every minute? I'm sure your heard it. Our fire alarms are all hardwired with battery backups. Which is handy because it's not like you can't have a fire if there's no power.

But batteries die and of course this doesn't happen at 4 in the afternoon. It's always at 4 am. When everyone if snuggled tightly in bed. Dreaming about lollipops and rainbows.

So I was forced to wander around the house trying to pinpoint the sound. FYI I would make a really shitty DareDevil.  Seriously I'm thinking about getting my ears checked. Well not to see if they work; obviously they do. Wait is there a test to see how well your echolocation works? Is that a real thing?

Probably not and I'm way too lazy to google it right now.

Feel free to do your own Web MD search but try hard not to convince yourself you have cancer of the ear.

Conclusion: I got the dam thing off the ceiling and took out the battery but of course it was still beeping. I was going to smash it with a hammer because when I'm tired I tend to think like the Hulk but Triple S suggested I just put it in the garage. Please note above. Although he wouldn't have to hear it I was sure the dam thing would still sound as loud as the tell tale heart (YEAH NERDY BOOK REFERENCE). Luckily as I walked it out to the garage it stopped.

Here is the other thing that drives Triple S insane. After all this fun I crawled back into bed and was asleep in 30 seconds. Yup. Right back out like I hadn't just been wandering around the house in the middle of the night climbing ladders and cursing technology.

PS the battery was replaced the next morning and fire detector was put back on the ceiling. Serious side note. Fire detectors can only save your life if they are working and installed properly.

Wait!!! I just had a brilliant thought. Why isn't the battery in my fire alarm a rechargeable one that is continuously charged by the power? Seriously why isn't this a thing?

That's how your car works. It's also how my garage door opener works. See it's already a thing. Someone just needs to apply it to the fire alarm industry. Get on this smart people!

3 Hour Tour

So I've mentioned in the past that I went to Boat College.

Obviously there are so many day to day practical applications when this comes in handy. I'd list them right now but you non boat college graduates would get bored and nobody wants that.

It also leads to request to "captain" someone else's boat. There was talk of this exact thing on one of our girl's night out but as it so happened the weather didn't cooperate and we were forced to drive to the restaurant like common folk.

This time though, mother nature was on our side as I arrived at the dock. There was some conversation about the "finicky" nature of the boat. An explanation of the "tricks" to get it to start.

Sure enough it didn't turn over the first time. As I had never been on this boat before I trusted said owner to advise me on the throttle, clutch and gear shift.

Sadly she was misinformed and that didn't help the situation. Eventually we got it started and headed out to sea. Ok we headed out to Lake but that just doesn't sound as good.

There was talk of anchoring near "invisible island". So named by the children because as you approach it you can't distinguish it from the mainland until you are right on top of it.

The anchor proved uncooperative (are you sensing a theme?) and we instead decided to "beach" it. That of course proved to be an easy enough task and we were soon settled and enjoying swimming, jumping and rolling in the sand.

We chit chatted with the other people who had also "beached" themselves. Basically it was a lovely day on the lake.

That held true right up until we needed to leave.  Some of you smart people might be able to guess what happened. But for everybody else don't worry. I'm going to tell you. That is the point of this blog after all.

It wouldn't start.

GASP!

I know I was shocked too. Luckily one of the nice people offered to tow us home. (People are so nice here it's very weird.)

Plans were made about how we would get off the island. How they would attach to us. How he would direct them to our dock.

What is it they say about plans? No battle plan survives first contact with the enemy.

I guess in this case the enemy was the sea (or the lake, whatever.).

Side note. Right now I can't stop thinking about George from Seinfeld telling the story about pulling the golf ball out of the whale's blow hole.

"The sea was angry that day. Like an old man trying to send back soup at a deli."

Back on point. No sooner did we leave the shore than the dog jumped off and tried to swim back to land. Yup! Luckily there was a group of campers. They weren't any help but one of their counselors was. He grabbed the dog and swam her back to the boat where I pulled her aboard.

The piece de resistance was of course that as we approached the dock I dove into the water with the rope in my teeth to the cheers of all the children. Okay I didn't have the rope in my mouth but just picture it? It would have been epic right? Maybe with some kind of harpoon in my hand?

I have no idea what this diagram is for but it's awesome.

The kids didn't cheer but they were impressed.

At the end of the day no one was hurt, nothing was damaged(the boat had a dead battery), and everyone had a fun day so all in all a successful adventure.

Win Win Win.

Friendship is Blinding. Like the SUN

Tonight I got to go to dinner with some of my favorite people in the world and as is usually the case the cell phones came out to take photos.

We like to commemorate our outings with pictures. Regular ones and the super obnoxious selfie kind.

The birthday girl asked for final approval on any photos that might be posted and everyone else chimed in that they wanted the same privilege.

Now this isn't to say these ladies are vain. That is truly not the case but most people like some say so over what goes out into the world to represent themselves.  I chimed in that I didn't care. That everyone should be aware of this based on what I myself would post.

Then a wonderful thing happened. One of my amazing friends said she didn't think I had ever taken a bad photo.

Although we deal in sarcasms and jokes most of the time this was a sincere compliment. It is my opinion that this is much more a statement about our friendship than my extreme photogenicness.

As proof I offer up these fantastic photos of myself from this awesome evening.

because I'm classy I'm licking salsa off my phone here.

this is obviously my "see food" face

here I am imitating the gen Xers ( or gen Y? I really have no idea what they are called)

Are you supposed to look up or down when taking a selfie?

We are quick to judge everyone we meet on first glance. We have read countless studies about how attractive people have an easier life. How blondes have more fun or how dressing nicely gets you treated differently.

I'm sure all of this is true. I can think of numerous times someone has proven my preconceived notions wrong.

We say beauty is only skin deep but we should add a caveat. Beauty is only skin deep in friends.

Covered in sweat or dressed in our Sunday best. Smiling we are always beautiful.

a smile is better than any makeup.

Kryptonite/Hair

First before I start talking about  myself I have a question.

Is there another superhero besides Superman that has such a well known weakness?

Sure the Green Lantern has yellow stuff. (you know you totally knew that)

I really can't think of anything else off the top of my head.

Time Out while I search the Internet...........................

I'm back. Guess what? There is nothing else memorable. Although I will mention that I just learned the original Wonder Woman could be trapped if a MAN bound her hands. That is some serious sexist Bravo Sierra. Glad that is no longer the case.

Okay after that little nerd interlude let's get back to me.

Have I told you I have a "Kryptonite"?

Time Out again. Did you know Krypton is in spellcheck but Kryptonite isn't? WTF?

Back again. About my Kryptonite (seriously. how is this not in spellcheck?).

I'm going to tell you but only because I doubt there are any super villains that read this blog. They are much more into TUMBLR and VINE.

It's my hair.

You know that stuff that grows on top of my head? Yeah.

I HATE WHEN ANYONE TOUCHES IT!!

Is there something more yelly than bold caps? Maybe underlined too?

Seriously. I HATE IT!

Underlining was too much! I always go too far. Live and learn.

It was one of the multitude of benefits to having short hair: no one touches it. But now in some sort of sick sadomasochistic move I'm growing it out. Don't say I'm overreacting. Have you ever grown out short hair? It's like one bad middle school hair cut after another and now to add insult to injury people feel like they can touch it.

"Ohh it's curly." Like that fact that my hair has curls means you should touch it.

PS it doesn't. These are the same people who touch pregnant lady's bellies I bet.

Right now I still have enough patience to remain calm and not slap anyone but we are quickly approaching the day when I'll black out and when I finally come out of my Hulk like rage someone will be lying at my feet wondering why and I'll have to explain to a judge that it was a totally provoked attack.   "She touched my hair." Best. Defense. Ever.

I guess this is more of a public service announcement. Or maybe a warning...

If you've gotten away with it in the past. Count yourself lucky but remember one day the sleeping lion is going to wake up and you are going to pull back a bloody stump.

Gosh those are some serious mixed metaphors. What ever.

You get it right?

Hands off the hair!!

I love you Internet! Don't ever change. There is nothing you don't have!!!!

Getting Rid of Satellite Helped Me to be a Better Parent.

Just not the way you think.




A few months ago Triple S and I agreed we were paying WAY TO MUCH for satellite TV. This isn't to say we didn't like it. Because we certainly did, but the bill just kept getting larger and the number of shows we were watching was getting smaller and smaller.

So we cancelled and got a streaming box and a digital antenna. (unless there is a chance I'm going to get something free I'm not plugging any name brands!)

Yeah. Old school rabbit ears. (although they are hidden in the attic so no one knows.)

That way we could keep watching local channels and the fabulous b team news.

That is what Triple S and I call the local news. If you are from the New York tri state area and you have since moved to small market news location then you know what I'm talking about. It's like watching high school Shakespeare. Sure they may get all the lines right but it isn't the same.

When we finally severed the satellite link we started discovery new things. Well actually old things but they are new to us again.

Sunday morning The Monkees are on.  It actually holds up. It's still silly and fun and it makes you smile.

The best part though is Saturday's line up.

1966 Batman

1975 Wonder Woman

1966 Star Trek  

Better still is the fact that my kids are excited about watching these. When they found out Star Trek was on netflix they started a marathon.

As a parent you are supposed to share the world with your kids. Teach them about the important things and that is why I feel like I am totally winning as a parent.

You can teach your kids sharing and kindness. I'm sticking with nerd topics only.

Still Your Mind

So this isn't the first time I've talked about trying to be a fitter me.

Recently though, I've switched up some things. Including Yoga in my routine to try and balance the abuse I take at Krav Maga. Or trying to see how many dichotomys I can include. Who knows.

It's really hard to know why I do anything.

So back to Yoga. It's great. All Namaste and stretching.

I've always been a reasonably flexible person but Yoga is something else. There are always a few ladies who can totally human pretzel themselves but none of this is important.

What is important is Shavasana.

Yeah yeah yeah. I know we don't all speak Yogi.

It's the rest at the end of class and apparently the "hardest practice" in yoga. At least that is what the instructor always says.

FYI everything in Yoga is a "practice" kind of like medicine. 

The point it just to lay there and clear your mind.

The second part of that sentence is the hard part.

My inner monologue while I tried to "count my breaths" (that is how we are supposed to stay focused on nothing, if that's possible), is very disjointed.

I think most people probably have a hard time shutting down their to do list and the things that they are currently worrying about. Normal things like college funds and dry cleaning pick up.

Not me. Not that you are surprised by this.

So here is a peak inside my mind while I am trying to keep it still.



1   2   3   4 exhale

1   2   3   4 inhale

think about nothing. think about nothing.

Nothing

Nothing

Is this what it was like for the Ghostbusters?

 I'm feeling pretty sympathetic to Ray right now.

back to breathing stupid.

1   2   3   4 inhale

1   2   3   4 exhale

nothing nothing

be still, chill. veg out. Like Broccoli.

Can you imagine what it would have been like if he had thought about a unicorn?

breathing, counting, breathing, counting

relax

relax

My mind is blank

Blank Blank

Tabula Rasa

Latin is weird. Not as weird as Shakespeare but weird.

There is no Shakespeare stuff in my house. Maybe I should search pinterest for a project?

Dammit! 

1   2   3   4 inhale

1   2   3   4 exhale

I should totally write a blog about the fact that I can't stop thinking weird stuff while I am supposed to be meditating. Wait is meditating the same as Shavasana?  Because sometimes we do both and they are separate things? Although They feel the same except one is when I am sitting and one and when I am laying down.

1   2   3   4 inhale

1   2   3   4 exhale

Oh she's wringing the bell. We're done. toe wiggling time!!!



Would it be considered META that I am now writing a blog about how I was thinking about writing a blog and now you're reading that blog?

Either way. At no point did I think about my to do list or what I was going to cook for dinner or if I had left the porch light on that morning.

So good luck the next time you have to clear your mind. Hopefully the fate of the world won't rely on your ability to think about nothing.

Lillian Smith Jr (is not a real person)

For the last few weeks Triple S has been dealing with a back issue. I say that like it's a minor thing but sadly it wasn't.

12 years ago Triple S managed to land himself in the care of a back surgeon. If you are following at home he was still in his 20s! Yeah. It wasn't cool then and it isn't cool now.

But that isn't the point.

In the last few weeks we have seen doctor after doctor as we were passed up the ladder from GP to specialist to surgeon.

As we sat in the waiting room of the surgeon's office Triple S and I were discussing if the MD was a he or a she when we noticed a diploma on the wall. As is standard on diplomas the doctors name was written. (Aren't you glad I explained this part? Seriously? Just in case you have never seen or received a diploma of your own. Or you are an alien from another planet.)

The doctor was a "third".

It was at this point I told Triple S I was sure our doctor was a male.

He agreed of course because I'm always right or he was in a lot of pain or maybe it was the painkillers? It's hard to be sure but either way he said I was right.

Of course I'm right. No one has ever met a Sharon Mckenzie III. Or a Jennifer Stein Jr.

Sure you can say it's because women still usually take their husband's name so it wouldn't be a true "junior" but we know that isn't the real reason.

Actually I don't really know what the real reason is but it is surely one of those purely male things.



PS

So I wrote this about a week ago and then started reading The Imperial Cruise. It's a book about President Teddy Roosevelt and the lead up to WWII. In the book it talks about how he sends his daughter just to keep his name in the papers but unless you like WWII none of this matters.

What does matter is that her name is Alice Roosevelt. Like Alice Roosevelt the second. As in that is also her Mom's name? WTF Teddy! Way to prove me wrong from beyond the grave.

No one say anything to Triple S.