I walk with Danger!

This sounds like it's going to be be about a lifetime movie.

It's not.

It's going to be about situational awareness. Which now that I type it sounds really boring.

Trust me it's not boring.

It's awesome, like everything else on this blog. As awesome as New York City's Fourth of July Fireworks.

Crazy amazing!

Alright maybe I'm over hyping this?

I mean I don't want you getting all excited and then I just tell you some ridiculous story about socks or tire pressure. (those were both options BTW)

Lets start over.

This post is the perfect amount of awesome. Not too much and not too little. Are you ready now?

Last night I went to the gym for a late night class. When I walked inside my car was the last one in the farthest row in a crowded parking lot.

When class was over my little blue car sat all alone in a poorly lit corner. It was just like a scene in a movie. Where it suddenly feels like your car is a thousand miles away and there are wolves howling in the background and noises that you aren't sure are coming from in front of you or behind.

I wasn't paying attention but I'm still pretty sure that wasn't any dead bodies?

Wait, SHHHH, is that footsteps.

hahhahahah Just kidding. I'm not some normal girl.

I tucked my keys into my pocket and pulled out my cell phone, texting a friend about a possible lunch date. I didn't look over my shoulder or pay attention to my surroundings. I didn't look for suspicious vehicles. I didn't keep my keys in my hand ready to use as a weapon.

I probably should do all those things. You should, for sure.

When I finally got to my car I pulled out my keys unlocked it and got behind the wheel. For the first time since I had walked out of the building I thought about all the horrible possibilities. Of all the BAD things that could have happened.

So this post is really a public service announcement for all you normals out there who can't call on your crazy strength. (think beer muscles). Be careful in parking lots. Walk in pairs. Be aware of your suroundings.

Or forget all that and live on the edge. It's cool and I highly recommend it.

This is NOT a Political Post

I repeat! NOT a political post.

My kids are awesome.

I might have mentioned this before, and yes I realize I am slightly biased but that doesn't change their aweseomness.

You might have noticed earlier this month it was election day. Between the robo calls, nasty commercials, debates, recap, speeches, fundraisers, stumping (still not sure what that means), baby kissing, finger pointing, pundit screaming.....

Sorry. I got caught up for a moment.

So unless you live in a bomb shelter or the dark ages (no I don't mean you NY and NJ) you know election day is a big day for politicians.

I won't tell you how I voted or why because this is NOT a political post. I might have mentioned that already. I will talk about my kids now.

Between my preschoolers on Monday and my daughters kindergarten class on Tuesday I got to hear some colorful descriptions of the two gentlemen running for the white house.

Side note: Please remember even when you think your kids aren't paying attention they hear everything you say. I'm not kidding. EVERYTHING!

Triple S and I try and keep our angry discourse down to a minimum around tiny ears. Not because we are awesome parents or because we are smart and all knowing. Although that would be great.

Nope. We don't talk politics because, although we usually agree on most subjects, my language can get pretty colorful. Think sailors or truck drivers. Sometimes I even use sci-fi bad words and combine others to increase their potency. It's a problem.

Side note: This is also the reason I don't watch reality TV. Too much yelling at the TV. Stupidity brings out some serious rage in me. Singing shows being the only exception.

This is Photoshopped so no reason to call PETA please.

Back on topic. My kids had no real preconceived notions about who would be a better choice for the job so among their deciding criteria were looks (they're kids, don't judge them), experience, mistakes, and pet choices.

Needless to say the two of them had some heated debates.


In the end there were siblings divided. Only one woke up happy the next day.

Well until I announced it was toaster strudel for breakfast. Then everyone was smiles again.

So here's hoping if you woke up unhappy because of the results that something as simple as a frozen breakfast treat can still make you smile.

Plus this is AMERICA. You don't see anybody trying to sneak into Russia do you? Well unless it's to rescue their kidnapped daughter /wife/ x CIA partner and we all know that unless you have a number of high caliber, fully automatic weapons that is a no fun trip.

You can seriously find anything on the Internet. It's AWESOME. (I love that word.)

Reading is Fundamental

I think at this point everyone is aware that I am a lunatic. Seriously. I've given you enough proof.

Here's the coolest part about being crazy though.

Other crazy people.

I know a lot, of varying degrees of course. (you can't have a bunch of tens. That never ends well.)

Back on point.

This is the picture one of those awesomely crazy people posted on Instagram (yeah I have one of those accounts too.) Found in a nice little antique shop. (The aforementioned friend, April, LOVES her some vintage. )

I feel like the baby can see my soul.

80 cents and this little gem could have been on her night stand. I have to admit that I'm just a little disappointed that she didn't get it. They call that buyer's remorse.

Seriously, what does this baby know? Is it some sort of demon baby? Does it involve Milk and BGH?

This book is deep. On one level it has a half naked man holding a tiny baby. Two things genetically designed to drawn women in.

So sure you grab it and you start checking it out. You can't deny a million years of evolution ladies!

Staring at the cover I started thinking up a whole backstory. Kind of like a superhero but for a creepy romance novels. I imagine it sat in those "leave a book, take a book" bins you find at post offices and nursing homes. The ones filled with the worst paperbacks ever published.

It's cursed. It has to be cursed and if you are unlucky enough to bring it home then you too, are cursed.

You wake up on the 4th day (yeah, that is random.) and suddenly your house is buried under primary colored toys and you can't remember the last time you showered. Your clothes all have some dark colored stain on them and you can't form sentences without adding extra syllables to all the nouns.

Where is the shirtless man? You may wonder. Keep on wondering. This book offers no answers, only questions.  Questions that will haunt you all of your days.

Okay maybe that's a bit extreme but I think we can all agree this book is weird.


Side note:
If you want this book you can get it used from $.01, new in 1999 it was only $4.25. I wonder if there is a Kindle version?  (I just checked. There is.)

Curiosity and the Internet is a BAD COMBO!

I won't go into too many details but the truth about "the baby" involves a Navy Seal named Quinn Keelor and a beautiful stranger (are there any other kind?)

I have a sickness. I'm going to bed now before I buy the kindle version. Darn you Evolution!!!



OMG I just remembered that another friend asked me to be in her book club. This is totally going to be my first pick.

One (more) Weird Thing About Me

Not sure what the total number of crazy traits I've revealed on this blog is but I'm adding one more.

Is this thing on?

I sing in the car. Actually I sing anywhere I am alone or just with my kids. I do so loudly and as often as I can. If I'm watching the Voice I get excited when I can sing along.

I could totally get at least one chair to turn.

Now none of this is really weird. Lots of people love Karaoke and even more sing in the shower. The weird part is that I think I'm good. Not Adele or Aretha Franklin good. I'm not delusional. (stop laughing)

I'm totally good enough to sing in some local cover band. Or at least that's the crazy story I tell myself in my head when I'm BELTING out tunes.

Old and new. Today's play list in the car included Nina Simone, Melody Gardot , Bruno Mars and Maroon 5. There was some other stuff mixed in but those are my favs. The ones I really go to town on.

So if you are on my street and the windows of my house are open, there is a good chance you will hear some singing. If you think I'm awesome feel free to say something. If you don't, you have nothing to fear because although I will fearlessly give a speech in front of a thousand people or hold a giant snake or ride some crazy twisting upside down roller coaster, I don't sing in front of people (that aren't related to me).

Wait that's not true.

Shhh. This part is shameful and you all must pinky swear before I reveal it. I can trust you guys right?

In 8th grade I sang in the talent show.

What? That's not so bad you say.

Agreed.

Here comes the bad part, and remember you are sworn to secrecy.

I sang Wind Beneath My Wings.

Better Midler. I sang Better Midler in a room filled with 13 year olds and their parents.

Let me clarify. I sat on a stool in the middle of the stage wearing some hippie, flowing skirt and sang with my eyes closed.

You might be thinking that everyone was cruel. That they mocked me and that is why I don't sing in public anymore but you would be wrong. They were kind and generous. They said nothing but nice things.

Who knows why I stopped what could have been a very mediocre rise to a first round elimination from American Idol. It's one of Life's great mysteries and I will leave you to ponder it.

Until the next time I get introspective and post more of my crazy.

I Could Take Him

A statement I make on a regular basis. Probably more than once a day depending on how many people I encounter.

Seriously. It's a problem. I look around a room sometimes and I think about who is the first person I need to eliminate if a giant bar fight breaks out.

This is of course a little ridiculous as I spend most of my time either at the Preschool where I work or my kid's school. It's unlikely a massive, no holds barred, ladder and chairs match is going to break out.

Doesn't mean I don't think about it.

At this point I'm sure you are questioning my sanity. First, stop judging! Second, pretty sure I told you I was crazy up front.

None of that is the point.

Today some guys from a local Karate School came in and gave a lecture about anti bullying. They did a pretty good job but that still isn't the point.

I count take them.

I could totally take them.

I mean I would have had to leap over a bunch of under fours but I could totally take them.




That's not too crazy right?

Sweet. Thanks you guys. I'm feeling more normal already.




PS I just re read this before I posted it. I do that because I am an awful speller and my typing isn't much better. Plus I can't pull my usual and blame it on auto correct.

Not the point. I seem to be easily distracted today.

This post reads like a "how to" essay on surviving prison.

I should sign off now. Maybe I should take a quick web MD quiz to check my sanity level?


PPS I made this today.



Stupid Hobby Lobby! Stupid Internet!

AWESOME DR WHO

Chili Cook Off (Take 2)

All of my faithful and fantastic followers know that for some bizarro reason I entered a chili cook off a few weeks ago.

Then there was thunder and lighting and buckets and buckets of rain and it was cancelled.

So I did it again. 10 plus gallons of chilli cooked and ready to hand out.

Raw ingredients. This is before I make the "magic" happen. Oh yeah and sing it with me. Goya oh Boya!

 The event was supposed to run from 4-8.

I ran out of Chili at 6.

Half way through, and I was out!

My only saving grace was that I wasn't the first. I cleaned up my table and started to wander only to realize about half of the 40 competitors were out as well. 

Lots of people and me doing my best ymcA impression.

10 gallons seemed like a ridiculous amount of chili and it was gone (two spoonfuls at a time) in 2 hours!

I didn't win. In case you were wondering. (I call Bravo Sierra)

The police did.

I wanted to make some comment about the judges not wanting to make the people with guns angry but then I remembered that this is the South and everyone carries a gun.

There was also a peoples choice winner. Based on ticket counts I came in about 5th there which is pretty freaking awesome considering how many people were there and I had never done anything like this before. (well unless you count the two weeks before when it was rained out but I'm not so you shouldn't either.)

So this is it. My new life's mission is to win! I'm going to buy a trailer and spend every weekend perfecting my recipe. I'm going to dedicate every free moment to finding the perfect chili pepper. Never mind. I'm going to have to grow it. Keep them close so I can ensure their perfection. 

Wait, would I have time for this blog?

On second thought I'll probably just try again next year.

Special thank to MIL (Mother in Law) for the apron. Got a lot of compliments on it and a few laughs when I flipped it over.  (it had topless firefighters on it, cause MIL is just a little bit crazy too.)

Natalie is AWESOME.

Sometimes my daughter is so awesome it hurts.

She doesn't want some borderline creepy costume for Halloween. No fishnets or glitter or pink hair.

None of that for my princess.

Are you afraid?

She wants to be a scary werewolf.

I hope she never wants to be like the other girls. Different is so much more interesting.



Oh yeah and she draws Daleks on our chalk board.

Exterminate!

PS

in case anyone is wondering if I play favorites Colin is also awesome. He actually chose to read a book this morning on the car ride to school instead of playing his DS. (If you don't know what that is I'm very very jealous.)

A book people! Now mind you it was called Captain Underpants but he was still reading it!

best kids EVER.