Old life vs New life

I went to lunch the other day with my "gym rat" (this is what triple S calls them) friends after a great workout. We were sweaty and smelly and smiling.

Word on the street is I'm getting this on a t-shirt.

Part of me feels bad when I do this. I'm not pretty post workout. It might actually ruin some one's lunch.


Who am I kidding. I don't care if their meal is ruined. I'm selfish like that.


After a little while another group of smiling ladies came in. They were wearing suits and heels and although I didn't check I would guess they smelled much nicer than I did.

While my ladies talked about protein shakes and the "insanity challenge" I couldn't help but remember a time when my conversations revolved around process management and synergy.

I sat at a desk all day and counted the minutes till coffee break with my fellow cubicle dwellers. I don't want it to sound all bad. I liked my job. I was good at it. I liked the mental challenge. Sometimes I even liked the problems.

This photo is sucking the life out of me.

There is something very liberating about yelling at a trucker with less than family friendly language.

But that is all done now. I stay home. For the most part. I have a job but it is much less that 45+ hours a week and I don't get to yell at anyone anymore. I do get to put them in time-out though, not sure it that is the same or not?


 Where was I going with this?

Oh yeah. Old vs New.

I'm not going to say which is better and make feminists or home makers angry. I don't need that kind of grief.

It's just different.





F-IT! This life is much better.

Let the feminist rants commence.

Watch out Russia, Japan is catching up.

Remember when I got all excited that Russians were reading my blog?

Of course you do.

You study and read this blog with a religious fervor usually reserved for SAT prep or Jeopardy contestants.

Well those Crazy Cossacks better start clicking more often because Japan is hot on their tails.



1904 political cartoon, you can seriously find ANYTHING on the internet.



So ありがとう Japan.

and

Попробуйте больше Russia!

(all translations done with Bing. In case there was some doubt about my multi lingual skill level)

I'm not sure I was the right choice for the job.

So you guys are aware that I teach preschool these days. (Adding this to my resume makes it seem like I have a multiple personality disorder.)

Sometimes around town I run into some of the little kids under my expert tutelage.

This week I had three such encounters.

1) "Hey I just saw Miss Ronnie playing soccer and she knocked down someone."

Not necessarily a bad statement until you qualify it with more details. I was coaching my 8 year old son's team. Yes, that is right. I shoved an 8 year old to the ground. I don't care if your only 4 feet tall. I'm not going to loose.

2) "We saw you driving. Mom said you went fast." This woman is married to a race car driver.

I might have mentioned before that I'm an 'aggressive' driver. That I like to go fast. I don't speed as much any more because I have kids so instead I just treat every green light and stop sign like it's a drag race.

I think I should be relieved that there was no mention of my singing.  It's LOUD and I roll the windows down. I don't care about the ridiculous amount of pollen in the air right now.

3) At lunch yesterday after the gym I saw a familiar little girl. I smiled and waved and she ran SCREAMING over to her mom. Everyone stared and suddenly the mom peaked her head around the corner. Luckily she recognized me and the little girl calmed down enough so that we could understand what she was saying. "I saw my teacher."

This was all before the police were called and an amber alert was issued.

Teachers don't really talk about their kids or their jobs. It's kind of like Doctor/Patient privledge but with crayons, but I still think this is a weird week right?

Despite my weird obsession with Julie Andrews I am no Mary Poppins.

Did I mention I taught my students "Snitches get Stitches" last week?

How I spent my Spring Break

Lets start with a little multiple choice.

Is this:

A) The worlds most expensive popcorn kernel.
B) The reason we didn't see dinosaurs or go swimming.
C) The thing my daughter shoved in her ear.
D) All of the above.

If you picked D you would be correct.

What? Why would a five year old shove a corn kernel in her ear?  I have no idea.

What I do know is that sometime Monday night she found this item in the playroom and put it in her ear. Of course she didn't say anything till I got home from the gym Tuesday morning.

Natalie: Mom I have to whisper something to you.

Me: What Nan? (I lean in close. Not that I need to. Natalie doesn't whisper as much as she Drunk Whispers.)

Natalie: There's a nut in my ear.

Me: WHAT?

So I pull her into my bathroom and sure enough I can see something pushed in there. After a quick poke with tweezers I accept that this is beyond my skills and call the pediatrician. Of course they can only see me if I can get there in 15 minutes.

I've talked about my sweatyness before. It's not good. But I have no choice.We run out the door.

After two minutes the pediatrician agrees that  "that sucker is really in there" and we head home with a trip to the ENT scheduled for later. (Ear Nose and Throat, in case you have been lucky enough not to have had any use for a specialist.)

Now we are on doctor number 2 and attempt number 3 to get this thing out of her ear. Sadly this guy can't do it either and he even has a high tech ear vacuum. 

There is some brief discussion about "holding her down" while he just grabbed the dam thing.

SHHHHHHH
The majority of me wanted to say hell yeah! It would serve her right if it hurt. Plus our next step was a surgical center and anesthesia! In the end though, non evil mom won out and we left with a prescription for ear drops based on the guarantee that this thing would cause an infection (Natalie's FIRST).

In case you are keeping track. We have now visited 2 doctors. (40$ co pay x 2) and we are heading to the pharmacy for drugs. ($10 co pay).

So we wait another day and then wake up obscenely early and head to the surgical center. The same one that we went to in January. You might remember the Great Appendix adventure. 

We arrive an hour early as instructed and they take us back. Questions are asked and then re-asked. Vitals and checked and rechecked. No less that 6 nurses introduce themselves to us and check Natalie's ID bracelet.

Finally they wheel her back. I walk to the waiting room. Pour myself a cup of coffee and sit down. I pull out my book to relax and wait for news.

I read one page.

I got a cup of coffee and read ONE page and the doctor came out. 

When I walked back no more then 10 minutes after leaving this is what I was greeted with:

 The nurses commented that she was the first kid to wake up with a smile.

I might want to choke her if she wasn't so awesome.

This is how I wanted to spend my Spring break:

Mini Golf with all my Blondes.

this is not a real post.

What was that test you could take that would tell you what you were supposed to be when you grow up?

I think I was out that day. For some reason I thought boat college was a good idea.

I guess it kind of was. I did meet Triple S there and we do have two beautiful kids and we have been happily married for 13 years...

Sorry I got sidetracked for a minute.

The other day I was talking to a friend and they told me:

"That's the same thing my Therapist said."

That is at least the fourth time someone has said that to me.

You can look at this a few different ways.

Maybe I know a lot of crazies? TRUE

OR........

I think it says more about my poor career choice.

Strangers tell me the most intimate details of their lives. (in elevators, in line at the grocery store, at the gym, in the ladies room)

Plus I look good sitting in a chair with a pad of paper on my lap.

Also I'm super good at judging you. Seriously I'm doing it right now.

I'm going to see what the University of Phoenix can do for me.

Never mind. That's a lot of work and now that I think about it yelling at people to "SUCK IT UP" probably isn't part of the Hippocratic oath.

I'm alive! AROOOOOOO!

So I'm not dead and that's a good thing. I do however look like I was taken hostage. 

This is the start of the race. I'm the one in the pink in case you were wondering.

It wasn't raining. It wasn't too cold and I hadn't seen a single lady ab in sight. All and all a good start to the race. I was feeling reasonably confidant. After all I did show up and wasn't that half the battle? (it's possible I'm confusing GI Joe with my 'motivations' calender)

My first glimpse of "hell"

This was of course all before we hit the first obstacle. I'm not going to describe them all. No one needs a lame play by play. Plus it wasn't like I could take pictures of them. But.....


I lost my shoe!

Then I found my shoe so it was all good.

Then I got wet, that was okay.

Then I got really dirty.

Then there was barbed wire.

Then there was MUD.

We aren't talking pretty brown mud that you put in your garden. No Sir! This is Carolina red clay and it is slippery and heavy and it stains everything!

This is the "hose off" station. Yes a "hose off" station.

So I ran, climbed, carried, pulled, crawled, walked and did some burpies. When they day was done I had missed only 3 out of 17 obstacles and traveled 4+ miles.

It was hard!

But I didn't quit, hell I didn't even stop smiling. So I guess I am a bit of a sadomasochist because it was fun. 

And hell yeah I jumped the fire! AROOOOOO!!

(Spartan Battle Cry, or at least the Spartan Race Battle Cry)

fun fact: I weighed the bag of clothes I took off after the race. They were wet and covered in mud.

13 pounds! I was carrying around an extra 13 pounds.

Maybe I should have gone to the hose off station?


UPDATE:

If you want to see e crawling through the mud.....

If you are reading this I might already be dead.

The Spartan Race is tomorrow and I'm scared.

People keep telling me I'll do fine but I'm pretty sure they are lying. Their eyes keep darting to the left when they talk. I watch crime procedurals. That's a tell along with something called a micro-expression.

I also know bleach can't get rid of blood stains but I haven't tested that out.

Not the actual river but it could be.

New information of the "race" is that the first obstacle is a river which is swollen thanks to all the rain we've gotten in the last few weeks.

Did you know the average temp for March in NC is actually 57?

Not the 35 that is predicted!

There is a fire at the finish line. I figure by then I might be more inclined to hang out and warm up then to jump over it.



The only good part about the weather is I figure it might level the playing field a tiny bit. I am from up North. Once I went scuba diving in DECEMBER on CAPE COD! Certainly not one of my most brilliant ideas but I did it. Not to mention I owned a snow blower because I lived in a place that got enough snow to need one. So I'm cool with the cold. (pun intended)

Or these are all lies I keep telling myself so that I won't break down and cry.

The other good thing about the cold (still trying to convince myself it is a good thing that it wont be 60 and sunny) is the lack of exposed skin. Confused?

I don't want to be stuck running behind Lady Abs!  I seriously doubt these women are human. Certainly they have never polished off an entire sleeve of girl scout cookies.


They say I will "know when I'm at the finish". I'm not sure if that's true. You know one of the side effects of hypothermia is hallucinations so there's a good chance I might think I'm on the bridge of the Star Ship Enterprise.

So if you are reading this on Saturday, know that I lived a good life and that I'm going to a better place. (Probably another lie but it's getting harder to tell)