When I get stressed I have two options. Since I'm me though, it isn't as easy as that.
Option one is I go to the gym and sweat.
Option two is brownies. Although really any chocolate will do.
Since I'm sitting home waiting for a phone call option one is out.....
Damn you sweet tooth!
Damn you straight to hell!
I try not to self sabotage but sometimes I just really need a brownie!
How come salad doesn't taste like chocolate? Or kale chips? Or some other such healthy treat. And don't start in with your list of substitutes. Sure there is stuff that will curb my sweet tooth on a regular day but nothing tastes as good as a brownie. Nothing.
Yum?
I feel myself calming already.
I need to add to that list before my kids get to be teenagers or I'm going to be pulling a Sisyphus.
It's super fun and not stressful at all. Seriously! I swear. You can trust me.
"How do you play?" (I'll assume this is what you are thinking right now.)
Excellent question.
First step is to have a problem.
"Oh My God! I have one of those right now!" Of course you do. Who doesn't?
Next you dial the 800 number clearly found on your Credit Card/pop tarts box/instruction manual.
Punch 0 over and over again in the hopes that you will get a real person.
Realize that punching 0 disconnects you and then start all over with dialling the number (you can't use redial because of the gratuitous pressing of the number 0)
Actually listen to the robot voice prompts and press the numbers that best describe your problem.
Listen to ridiculous 70's hold music/company promotion/PSA about heart health.
"I love the Bee Gees and I eat Cheerios." See how much fun we are having already?
When a human answers the phone, repeat to them 5 times all of the information you were previously forced to try and enter via the numbers on your phone.
Explain your problem/missing piece/question.
"I'm sorry ma'am but without paper blah blah blah I just don't see how I can help you."
Now comes the really fun part!!!!
Start all over and hope the next person who answers the phone has a different answer.
"That's ridiculous! and fun." (Again I'm assuming this is what you are thinking.)
I couldn't agree more but I don't make the rules nor did I invent the game so I can't take all the credit for it's awesome powers of calming.
Basically all things that could have killed me. Or at the very least made me extremely tired. So when the idea of a girls weekend came up I jumped. Who doesn't want to spend the weekend with a bunch of awesome ladies eating and enjoying the view?
I imagined relaxing and movies and maybe a nice walk in the woods. Cake. I was sure there was going to be cake involved somehow.
What I got was 2 spit takes. How is it possible that these ladies are still shocked by anything I say?
A collaborative dinner. We turned cooking into a team sport like on Iron Chef.
And a 6 mile hike up a GOD DAMN MOUNTAIN!!
Seriously it was straight up. Stone steps placed into the side of the mountain! Plus I was carrying a backpack with water bottles and cell phones and a gun. Apparently there was a chance of running into a bear. This was only going to be possible if that bear was deaf or had been hand raised by humans and was looking for his adopted mother.
Still a chance. Plus it helped lend some credibility to my frequent yelling of:
"I'm loaded for bear."
There was also some other colorful language as it became clear my gentle walk through the woods wasn't going to be quite as gentle as I imagined.
All was forgiven though because there was cake, and steak, and chocolate covered strawberries, and bubbly water, and lots and lots of laughs.
Oh and I got to rewire the DVD player because that's just how I roll.
The ladies are talking about going away to the beach next summer. In my head I'm imaging chilling on the sand with a good book and a cold drink. I think the reality is more closely going to resemble swimming the English channel.
All things that make sense based on the crazy stuff I've written about.
This week however some typed doll tuxedo -ken into the google window and somehow ended up at this blog.
I just tried to recreate what they may have been looking for. I tried to get into their mind like I was some kind of Internet profiler. Tried to imagine what sort of person might need Ken to wear a Tuxedo.
I quickly stopped that though because it got really scary. Seriously, nightmare inducing.
The only thing scarier than the google search results are the google image search results.
What the hell am I looking at?
Just because you have photoshop doesn't mean you should use it.
I'm going to go watch cat videos on YouTube to cleanse my Internet pallate.
So I live in the South now. It's pretty great. And not just because I live here.
The people are friendly and kind. (Obviously not all of them, but certainly a large percentage.) We get to put our Christmas lights up in shorts, I don't have to worry about driving to work after shoveling 2 feet of snow and parking is ridiculously cheap.
But it's not all rainbows and unicorns.
There are a lot of poisonous snakes. Not compared to Australia, but more than there were in NJ. For the most part I'm not running into them in my yard though so it doesn't really affect my daily life. The red ants however are not cool! Not cool at all.
They build these ridiculous mounds of awful red clay and when I mow the lawn they get launched into the air where they will inevitable land on me and bite me.
Yeah that's right they bite. I'm no entomologist but for a bug about the size of a grain of rice they have very sharp mouths or stingers? and poison. Or venom, or some other sort of bug slime that makes you itch like a leper!
Since we have moved here I have become very well acquainted with their wrath.
None so much as the other day though.
While the kids and I were swimming we left our cooler bag in the shade by our towel. When it was time to leave I went to grab it only to realize the damn thing was swarming with those tiny evil red bastards. I attempted to swat them off first only to realize the futility of my action. So I gave up and tossed the entire bag into the pool. Of course I didn't do this fast enough to avoid the 5 bites from the vicious demons.
They itch sooo much!!!
Also I have no self control so I itch them until they bleed. It isn't pretty.
It did remind me of this one awesome episode of Macguyver where some South American town was overrun with these man eating ants. It was a like a SyFy movie of the week except at one point Macguyver made a boat out of some soda cans and an old sofa (I'm pretty sure that didn't happen but it was a long time ago so who knows. It's not like Macguyver couldn't make a boat out of soda cans and a sofa. He's Macguyver!)
Poor Charlie gets eaten by ants. That can't be a good way to go.
So I just checked if Macguyver was on Netflix and you'll be happy to know it is. I'm thinking about starting from Season 1 Episode 1 and reliving all the paperclip bomb defusing and explosions made out of household cleaners and yarn. (Was MacGuyver a bit of a pyro?)
Of course that is after I slather on another coat of anti itch cream so I don't itch my way down the the bone.
Sometimes I'm watching a movie and I think I could act. It can't be that hard right? I mean some of us spend a lot of our time 'acting' already.
That smile you offer the mom at the playground when she tells you about little Bobby winning the spelling bee and speaking french.
The concerned nod you offer the lady at the grocery store who tells you about her knee surgery even though you have no idea who she is and just because she is standing next to you doesn't mean you want her medical history.
The sad face you offer the lady at the gym when she tells you about her fish in pet heaven.
I'm sure you can come up with a thousand examples.
So good job Daniel Day Lewis for acting better than any other guy in 2012.
I would have crushed it as Lincoln and I'm not even a man.
I think this until Netflix suggests 'because I watched this I might like that'.
Given incredible power by an ancient Celtic Cross. Callan continues to fight evil... Now, joined by a team of weapons experts, Callan battles an unstoppable empire in Los Angeles.
Now I have a slight confession to make.
I love cheesy movies. Especially cheesy hero movies.
So sure it looks cheesy but that isn't necessary a bad thing.
I got through 5 minutes. That's it. Opening scene is some dad offering his kid advise about the awesome bling the men in their family pass down. Fastforward 20 years and some lunatic cop is slapping awake a hospitalized teen because she witnessed something epic.
That was it. It was painful. Like high school Shakespeare bad. I punched out and advised Netflix of my displeasure. Lets see what they suggest next?
PS Sharknado is on tonight. I missed it the first time but not tonight! TIVO is all set to record it and we are going to watch it as a family. I will train my children in the art of MST3K.
